Episode 81

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning when I woke up, my first thought was going back to sleep. In fact, I thought I still was asleep. For the room was dark. Very dark. Very, very dark. Very, very, very dark. Very, very, very, very dark! I tried to roll out of bed, and met resistance. If you say that like a French person, that sounds pretty awesome. Re-si-STONCE. Anyway. I met resistance when I rolled to my right, and when I rolled to my left. It was as if I were being boxed in. I sat up, and I hit my head. I was boxed in... I was IN a box. The inside was padded, as if someone had stapled a comforter to the inside. It was a coffin. Or so I feared. Suddenly I felt compelled to compose a dirge. Compelled to lament for the dead. I started thinking of all those who had passed before. Aunt Bertha. Uncle Eddie. Grandma Bartholomew. And of course, dear old mum. I had a strange feeling I was going to see them soon. Dun...Dun...DUN.  I decided to write a poem. And this is how it goes:

They all passed away
(Echo: away, away, away!)
They were no more
(Echo: more, more, more!)
I will soon be joining them
(Echo: them, them, them!)
I am sad.
(Echo: mad, mad, mad!)

Then I paused and reflected on mournful poems. And realized, I am a horrible poet. And I know it. Suddenly I had an incredible urge for Starbucks. That's kind of in like, Star Wars, where they have credits, but this is Star Trek, where they have star bucks. With this mournful thought, I sat alone. In the gloom. In my tomb.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 42

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Space…the final frontier. It has been a long time since I have been there. In fact I had never been there. This should change, thus sayeth the Lord. Mr. Smith, that is. After unpacking from my extensive trip, I set about to building a rocket. I went down to my basement, tinkered around with a few things, and finally, after about a month, finished it. A rocket. Unfortunately, it was only the scale model. Then I paused and realized, if it took me a month to make a model at a scale 1 to 100, it would take me a hundred months to create the real thing. So I decided, if I couldn’t go to space, I would send the next best thing – a picture of me. I carried my model rocket into my backyard. I stood it on its point. Then I looked at it and realized, there was definitely something wrong. I put it on its side. I placed the picture of myself in the capsule. I lit the fuse. I stepped back. The rocket exploded. I stepped even further back. I landed on my rear end, in the siding of my neighbor’s house. After I finally worked my way loose, I decided I would need a bigger rocket. So I made another one, at a scale of 1 to 101. After a month and a day of work, it was completed. I looked around in my photo albums for a better one of myself. I decided to send the one of me dressed as Elvis into space. I took my rocket out into my backyard, but I didn’t really have one anymore, it was just a crater. So I decided to launch it in my neighbor’s backyard. This time I placed the rocket with its point facing up. I lit a match. It lit the fuse. The fuse burned down. The rocket burned up. When I awoke, I saw its smoke trail leading up into the sky. It was a success. Or so I thought, until I heard on the radio, about a jumbo jet being hit by a rocket piloted by Elvis.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 19

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lying in peril, awaiting my doom – on the slopes of Mount Doom. Orcs all around me, trying to slay me. Aragorn on one side, Mace Windu on t’other. Up above a blue heron was flying to my rescue. On a cart with six wheels came Mario and Luigi – two Italian boys – and they smashed orcs left and right with their brand new Lego toys. But then I realized I was not helpless. I had my “orcs-away spray”. I pulled it out and started spraying. Like a skunk, it stunk, with an awful funk. And then came Michael Jordan, and he made a slam dunk. As I sprayed my spray on the head of an orc, it spun around and popped like a cork. I felt like a dork. The orcs were falling, they all started bawling. Suddenly I felt pity – pity, stayed my hand. And I yelled to my allies – stop! Stop! But it was too late – the orcs were all kilt around Aragorn’s waist. * The orcs were all dead. I sat on my head. I mourned their defeat. I don’t know why they were trying to kill me. I don’t know why I mourned them, that is. But then, with all those blood-thirsty men, strange cartoon characters and various birds, something was bound to happen. They would all turn on themselves, I knew it. Then in a heavenly chorus descended Chuck Norris. Then the Enterprise came out of the sky and squashed him flat. I was so happy; I hit his flat body with a bat. Then Aragorn charged at Mace Windu. And the blue heron dropped bombs on Mario and Luigi. Luigi whipped up a batch of spaghetti and launched meatballs into the sky. Again I yelled “Stop!” Again they did not listen. So I decided to employ my super power of the imagination shut-off button. And in a flash they all disappeared, leaving nothing but Gandalf’s beard.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. Then my mirror image disappeared.

*This means the orcs were all “killed” and then their skins were turned into an Scottish kilt, and Aragorn was wearing it.

Episode 4

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Star date 5267. Captain’s log, Captain Smith recording. Today I was watching my favorite series on TV, Star Trek. Suddenly I felt compelled to be beamed up. I whipped out my communicator (my wallet) and spoke to it: Beam me up, Scotty. A strange thing happened. Nothing. Except for, all my money fell out. My dog chewed up my money. I decided to go see how my neighbor’s cat was doing. And suddenly I realized, I’d forgotten to let it back in. I, Mr. Smith, felt compelled to see the world. To travel to strange places, and seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no bum has gone before. Then suddenly I realized, there are bums everywhere. I decided to just stick with going places where I have never gone before. Ah, life. Doesn’t it make you reflect? Life is so simple.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.