Episode 83

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Trapped. Like a rat in a cage. Like a cat in a corner. Like an alligator out of water...in a garbage dump... on the outskirts of town...underneath a volcano about to erupt...at the foot of a floating city on Bespin. So there I was. Trapped. There was a certain level of de-ja-vu to the situation. Sort of like I was trapped, like a pickle in a pickle jar, full of jalapeno salsa. Trapped. Like a lyric in a rap song... on a Saturday night. So anyway, if you hadn’t gotten the point, I’m trapped in a coffin. Sealed like an elephant in a bar. Like a bear in a car. Like a pizza in the tsar of Russia. So anyway, I was sealed in this coffin. My mind was going in circles. Circles were going in my mind. Slowly, the circles turned into chocolate chip cookies. I ate them, and was nourished. My mind wandered. It crawled through my mind’s eye. It roamed down to my toes. The smell made it retreat back into my head. My prospects were grim. It was looking rather dim. Not to mention it was pitch dark in the coffin. Dark as a gorilla with its eyes gouged out. Dark as my thoughts in this little tomb. Then I paused and reflected on life, and pondered my situation within. Then I paused and reflected on death. I prefer life. But I was still trapped. Like a gnat in a mosquito net. Then I paused and reflected on mosquito nets, and realized, gnats are smaller than mosquitoes. Therefore, they can escape from mosquito nets. And that solved my dilemma. I got a running start and flung myself to the bottom of the coffin. I felt myself falling...falling...and when I landed, I was no longer trapped. The coffin shattered on the hardwood floor.
    Thus ends this week’s reflection, and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 75

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I witnessed a crime today. A little girl stole an ice cream cone from a little boy. I was shocked. And you guess it…appalled. I walked over. I slapped the little girl in the face. I was very ashamed when her mother came over and started yelling at me, explaining how the little boy had diabetes and couldn’t eat sugar. The little girl had saved his life. I was ashamed. Very, very ashamed. I was not a good man. According to the lady, I was a very bad, bad man. I think she was exaggerating a little bit. The president thinks I’m a very good man…called me in on another case. There was a murder. Two people were dead. So technically, there were two murders. I believe they call that….a double homicide. And I would know. Because I am a homicide detective. Or didn’t you know? Basically that means I’m a detective with homicidal tendencies…or that’s what psychiatrist tells me. The murder scene was thus. There were two dead people…one of them here, one of them there. There were two guns…one of them here, one of them there. There were two chalk outlines…one of them here, one of them…you guessed it….there. The pieces were all there. They were adding up. They were screaming, murder. Actually, those were the witnesses. The police there were saying it was a murder/suicide. The man shot the woman and then shot himself. Ah, but I knew what really had gone on…there was a third person in the equation. But that could not have been so, for the man was wearing a tie. No man would ever commit suicide while wearing a tie. Trust me. So I told the policemen there was another person…a real guilty person. I poked around a bit, found cigarette butts. Indeed, the two victims did not smell like smoke. My theory was proving true. I unrolled one of the cigarette butts and found a business card. He had rolled his own cigarettes. The cops went and picked him up. We had our murderer. I don’t think the president expected me to solve the case, but I did. I am, after all…Mr. Smith.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 56

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. I was walking through the snow, through the cold, through the dark, through the night. And then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered, why, why, WHY is the world round? Then I paused and reflected on the world and realized the world was just like a marble – its small, and its round. Yeah. Then I looked up on through the haze and I was startled with what I saw. It was a lone penguin standing…alone. There he was silhouetted against the striking color of the colorless snow. I was surprised to see another shape moving swiftly towards the silhouetted penguin. I gasped as I saw it was another penguin. The second penguin handed something to the first penguin, and then scurried off the way it had come. I had stumbled upon a real find – a drug exchange. Quickly I flopped down in the snow to avoid being seen by the penguin. Its beady yellow eyes seemed to stare at me through the softly fallen snow. To avoid being seen I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was horrified to see penguin feet right in front of my face. Suddenly something dropped in front of my face. I flinched. It was penguin doo! And it was toilet paper the other penguin had handed him!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 55

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica, shivering in the cold. Sleeping with the penguins. In the belly of a polar bear. It was rather dark, and it stunk too. Like a skunk. With an awful funk. So there I was in a polar bear. My dilemma - do I want to stay in the polar bear? So then I paused and reflected on life. If I wanted to get out, I could go two different ways. And if I wanted to stay, I might starve to death. Given the choice between the three of them, I decided going out the front door would be the best choice of survival. So I pulled out my Italian candles – dynamite (pronounced de-na-ME-tay) – but then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, it might be a bad idea to light my Italian candle. It was a matter of life or death. I mean, what did the poor polar bear do to deserve such a fate? Then I paused and realized…he ate me, and I proceeded. The snow turned crimson…like freshly fallen chopped meat. Then I paused and reflected on life and made a snow angel there in the snow.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 54

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had a mission. To save the world. Oh yeah. First, I needed a cigar. I was going deep under cover. I had to look like a gangster. The president was sending me to Antarctica. Apparently there was a mob wreaking havoc at an observation station deep in the wild wasteland. After I walked a while in the subway, I boarded the train and set off for Antarctica. As a secret agent I had access to one of the worlds little known marvels ––The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional, or, URSTUPID (if you believe this) for short. Within a few minutes I had arrived at my destination. I exited the URSTUPID and headed for the observation station. I was expecting to meet a bunch of thugs with machine guns (hence the cigar) but instead, I was confronted by a massive army – dare I say mob – of penguins. Rather disappointed, I paused, and reflected on life. Then I realized this was the mob the president had asked me to disperse. With a sigh, I snapped my fingers. Then I yelled “disperse ye rebels!” I was disappointed to see they did not heed my cry. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized that penguins probably didn’t speak English. So I shouted the same in French. Slowly, the penguins dispersed. My mission was almost complete. I had yet but one task to complete. The president had ordered me to control the station for a month. Like a good soldier, I do not question my orders.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 53

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today, I got a phone call. I rushed into the kitchen and picked up the phone. I heard a dial tone. Again, I heard the phone ring. It was coming from somewhere upstairs. Then I remembered the red phone. It had been a long time since I had gotten a call on the red phone. The last time I had spoken on the red phone, the president had asked me to stop sending him yo’ mama jokes by email. Yes, that’s right. My red phone connects me directly with the president of the United States of America. I rummaged through my closet, searching for the red phone. Finally I found it. I flipped it open. “Go,” I said. “Yes, this is Smith….okay…okay. Got it.” I hung up the phone. I had been ordered on my first mission in a long time. Quickly I ran to the nearest phone booth and closed the door. When I emerged I was dressed in my secret agent man costume. I stared walking down the street. You know, that cool walk that looks like it’s in slow motion on TV. I slammed into a light post. Pulling down my shades, I looked around to see if anyone had seen my escapade. Then I looked around for my escape. I spotted a man hole thirty feet away. Quickly I ran with my hands to my sides. I made a duck, and a roll, and fell in the hole. In the hole, it was completely dark. Until I took off my shades. Then I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Quickly it approached. I heard a roar. It sounded like a tornado. As the light drew near, I realized it was the subway. I flung myself to the side. Then I paused and reflected on life, and realized, I had barely escaped death. Then I paused and reflected on death, and realized, it is a gateway to the unknown. I took a step into the gateway. Thus ends the life of Mr. Smith…okay, not really. I didn’t step into the train. I waited till it had passed. I’m not that anxious to die.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.