Episode 64

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had arrived in Smithville Florida. I put on my mustache and big nose disguise. First I surveyed the area. I had to look for a way into NASA’s secret testing facilities. I looked to my right, I looked to my left. I looked down the middle and *oomph* you take a bite! I was chewing tobacco. I was trying to look like a hick farmer from Kansas. I saw the Royal colors come down the road. It was the Queen, God save her. Her motorcade was coming down the road towards me. I put on my best British accent and spat out my tobacco. I said “ahoy there, mateys! I’m beholdin’ to ya to bring me into the inner courts for me buckos have let me down.” The motorcade stopped. I was guessing my English accent was working. One of the guards turned to me and said “What are you talking about, chap?”
“Uhh…” I stammered. “I wish to speak to the queen.”
Suddenly, God Save the Queen started playing, and her royal highness herself popped her head out of her limousine. “What’s all this rot??” She exclaimed. Bewildered by her sudden appearance, I immediately forgot my intentions. “Hurry up laddie…I’ve got to go to the loo!”
“The who?”
“The loo! Get out of my bloody way!”
The motorcade swiftly commenced on its way in a puff of smoke. Then I heard it. That unholy noise. Someone BROKE WIND.
“What was that?”
One of the guards solemnly turned to me and said in a perfect British accent, “The Queen broke wind, God save her.”
Thus ends this week’s reflections...and all that rot. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 23

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The time has come. Mr. Smith must leave. He must leave his house. He must leave his country. He must go…to Egypt.
It has been demanded by a poll on a website. The critics have spoken. Mr. Smith’s fans have decided. Mr. Smith will go to Egypt.
I hopped on a plane in the middle of a plain (which had a runway on it fortunately.) I was headed to Egypt. The plane reached its cruising altitude of some really big number which I didn’t wish to think about because I am terrified of heights. Suddenly a crackly voice came over the speaker. It was the pilot. It said, “This is your pilot talking! The captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign, so please, unfasten your seatbelts. We are about to encounter a giant floating Sphinx.” I looked out my window and saw to my horror the Sphinx hanging upside down from the sand. The Sand? We were upside down, I was upside down, the Sphinx was upside down, the plane was upside down! My dinner was upside down. I reached for my parachute and decided to smash out the window. But then I decided to use my head. It hurt a lot. I ran towards the emergency exit. I tripped on an old lady’s luggage strap that was sticking out in the aisle. They shouldn’t allow luggage straps on planes. I crawled towards the exit, but soon the other passengers were upon me. I was trampled as they ran towards the exit. Soon I was alone on the plane, and the Sphinx was about to get a new nose.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.