Episode 83

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Trapped. Like a rat in a cage. Like a cat in a corner. Like an alligator out of water...in a garbage dump... on the outskirts of town...underneath a volcano about to erupt...at the foot of a floating city on Bespin. So there I was. Trapped. There was a certain level of de-ja-vu to the situation. Sort of like I was trapped, like a pickle in a pickle jar, full of jalapeno salsa. Trapped. Like a lyric in a rap song... on a Saturday night. So anyway, if you hadn’t gotten the point, I’m trapped in a coffin. Sealed like an elephant in a bar. Like a bear in a car. Like a pizza in the tsar of Russia. So anyway, I was sealed in this coffin. My mind was going in circles. Circles were going in my mind. Slowly, the circles turned into chocolate chip cookies. I ate them, and was nourished. My mind wandered. It crawled through my mind’s eye. It roamed down to my toes. The smell made it retreat back into my head. My prospects were grim. It was looking rather dim. Not to mention it was pitch dark in the coffin. Dark as a gorilla with its eyes gouged out. Dark as my thoughts in this little tomb. Then I paused and reflected on life, and pondered my situation within. Then I paused and reflected on death. I prefer life. But I was still trapped. Like a gnat in a mosquito net. Then I paused and reflected on mosquito nets, and realized, gnats are smaller than mosquitoes. Therefore, they can escape from mosquito nets. And that solved my dilemma. I got a running start and flung myself to the bottom of the coffin. I felt myself falling...falling...and when I landed, I was no longer trapped. The coffin shattered on the hardwood floor.
    Thus ends this week’s reflection, and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 79

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was. Where I was, I do not know. THERE, I was. Where was there? There was where. There was a hair in his glare. Where was the hair? In his glare, on a chair. He tripped on a stair and landed there. Yes, we had arrived on the moon. I was shocked. And appalled. No, just shocked. The moon didn’t make me sneeze. The moon was not made of cheese. Wheez. I was on the moon, I had sealed my doom. There had not been enough room in the space shuttle to the moon. Thus, not enough air to get there. My fellow astronaut had not...not arrived safe and sound. It was my fault, that was clear. I shouldn’t have drunk so much beer. Oh dear. All year oh dear. Would I now be stuck? Was that my present luck? Is that a duck? Yes, indeed it was. Then I paused and reflected on life, and contemplated getting a wife...for that poor duck. Then I realized, it was a plot. A plot of land. And I was home, in my own backyard.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 76

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith.

Today I went for a walk.
I colored with chalk.
All around the block.

I spotted a duck.
Wouldn’t you know my luck!
He got hit by a truck.

Next I kicked a ball.
Into the neighbors wall.
Alas, it did fall.

I got in trouble.
Amongst the rubble.
I paid double.

I continued walking.
And skipping.
Not to mention tripping.

Then I paused and reflected on life
And pondered why I didn’t have a wife
I realized, I’d end up with just strife.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 73

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go shopping. Not for groceries. Not for clothes. But for a new house. I wasn’t exactly looking for a new house, just a new basement for my house. First I had to find a seller. I found a seller who was selling cellars. They were extremely cheap. You just had to do the installation yourself. So here is my house:

And here is my cellar:

But you know me. I couldn’t just settle for a single cellar from the seller. I had to get two cellars, but I didn’t want to buy from this particular seller twice. So I got the second cellar from a second seller. Now this second seller was only selling small cellars. So I had to buy two from him:


Now with all these cellars I had lots of room to store my stuff. And of course whenever you get more stuff, you have to get stuff to protect your stuff. So I went to another seller who sold stuff to protect stuff. So he put armored plating around my cellars. Strong enough to withstand a nuclear explosion. Strong enough to keep out pesky little ants. And uncles:

And of course next I went to another seller to buy a tunnel. That way I have a quick way to get to my third cellar without having to go through my first two cellars:

Now that my cellars were complete I decided to have a party inviting all of my sellers over to see my cellars.

Now when my sellers came and saw me in my cellars, I think they thought I was extremely weird. And they all ran away screaming.

I just smiled and waved.

Don’t try to come in MY cellar when a nuclear bomb gets dropped. Or when huge monster killer ants from a giant ant hill invade… (or uncles.)
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

[images copyright Mr. Smith 2010]

Episode 62

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. It has been a long while since I paused and reflected on anything. Or at least that I have shared with you. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t sat in the street and thought deep thoughts, or flown around the world, looked down on Texas and paused and reflected on how the state looks like a loser sign. This day started much like another. They all seem the same to me these days. I woke up. I rolled over and went back to sleep. Suddenly my eyes shot open! I was tired of sleeping, and dreaming of tired. This time when I rolled out of bed I did it with a spring in my step! I was launched up through the ceiling. I was stuck, with my head in the attic and my feet in the attic’s attic. I wiggled my body this way and that way, did you ever see a Lassie go this way or that? I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye as something zoomed past me in a blur of color. Then I felt a strange twitching in my stomach. I looked down and where my folds of fat were folding over the timbers, a small mouse nibbled to set me free. Slowly the mouse nibbled and slowly the timbers grip was loosened. I started to slip out of my crushing perch. Then with a mighty nibble of its small teeth, my friendly mouse bit through the last of the folds of skin. As if in slow motion I slid out of my fat suit and fell to the ground..
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 58

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. Flattened, as if by a tornado. And yet, there were no remains. It was as if it had vanished without a trace. It was a cold case. There I was the only survivor. I looked to my right; the Simpson’s house was still there. I looked to my left, that family guy’s house was still there. On the other side, the great American dad’s house was there. I looked behind my house; Chuck’s house was still there. Even that house, which was just called House, was still there. I pulled out my cell phone and called the E.R. “Call the justice league! I need some heroes!” They told me they weren’t quite in that genre of house hunting. I said, “come on, we can make a deal.” Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I had really missed watching TV when I was in Antarctica. Then up the street came the dog whisperer. As he came close, I said “Caesar, can you help me find my house?” He only replied “Shh! The dogs!” I was at a loss for words. He moved on down the street. Then a bus came rolling by. It was filled with the Sopranos. Then, from the other side of the street came that American Idol, Hannah Montana. Followed closely behind her was a marathon, it was the Amazing Race. When they passed me, I yelled out “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Then I realized, I was the Biggest Loser.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 56

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. I was walking through the snow, through the cold, through the dark, through the night. And then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered, why, why, WHY is the world round? Then I paused and reflected on the world and realized the world was just like a marble – its small, and its round. Yeah. Then I looked up on through the haze and I was startled with what I saw. It was a lone penguin standing…alone. There he was silhouetted against the striking color of the colorless snow. I was surprised to see another shape moving swiftly towards the silhouetted penguin. I gasped as I saw it was another penguin. The second penguin handed something to the first penguin, and then scurried off the way it had come. I had stumbled upon a real find – a drug exchange. Quickly I flopped down in the snow to avoid being seen by the penguin. Its beady yellow eyes seemed to stare at me through the softly fallen snow. To avoid being seen I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was horrified to see penguin feet right in front of my face. Suddenly something dropped in front of my face. I flinched. It was penguin doo! And it was toilet paper the other penguin had handed him!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 55

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica, shivering in the cold. Sleeping with the penguins. In the belly of a polar bear. It was rather dark, and it stunk too. Like a skunk. With an awful funk. So there I was in a polar bear. My dilemma - do I want to stay in the polar bear? So then I paused and reflected on life. If I wanted to get out, I could go two different ways. And if I wanted to stay, I might starve to death. Given the choice between the three of them, I decided going out the front door would be the best choice of survival. So I pulled out my Italian candles – dynamite (pronounced de-na-ME-tay) – but then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, it might be a bad idea to light my Italian candle. It was a matter of life or death. I mean, what did the poor polar bear do to deserve such a fate? Then I paused and realized…he ate me, and I proceeded. The snow turned crimson…like freshly fallen chopped meat. Then I paused and reflected on life and made a snow angel there in the snow.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 54

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had a mission. To save the world. Oh yeah. First, I needed a cigar. I was going deep under cover. I had to look like a gangster. The president was sending me to Antarctica. Apparently there was a mob wreaking havoc at an observation station deep in the wild wasteland. After I walked a while in the subway, I boarded the train and set off for Antarctica. As a secret agent I had access to one of the worlds little known marvels ––The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional, or, URSTUPID (if you believe this) for short. Within a few minutes I had arrived at my destination. I exited the URSTUPID and headed for the observation station. I was expecting to meet a bunch of thugs with machine guns (hence the cigar) but instead, I was confronted by a massive army – dare I say mob – of penguins. Rather disappointed, I paused, and reflected on life. Then I realized this was the mob the president had asked me to disperse. With a sigh, I snapped my fingers. Then I yelled “disperse ye rebels!” I was disappointed to see they did not heed my cry. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized that penguins probably didn’t speak English. So I shouted the same in French. Slowly, the penguins dispersed. My mission was almost complete. I had yet but one task to complete. The president had ordered me to control the station for a month. Like a good soldier, I do not question my orders.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 46

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. As I walked into the restaurant, a fancy dressed gentleman came up to me and said something I could not understand. I asked him to repeat himself. Again, he spoke something in that nasally tone I could not understand. I made signs with my hands, trying to communicate, trying to tell him I wanted a pet lobster. Apparently he thought I was choking, because he called 911. While he was busy I slipped into the back. There I was facing a glass case, full of lovely lobsters. I wanted one. I needed one. I had to have a lobster! Looking around I searched for a way of retrieving a lobster. Finally in the corner I spotted a step ladder. I leaned it up against the case. I ascended on high. As I reached down, to grab a lobster, I leaned farther and farther, and suddenly there was a loud noise, and in rushed a paramedic team. They slammed into my ladder and sent me flying. The world shifted into slow motion. I felt myself falling to what appeared to be my doom. I fell head first into the tank. As I sank to the bottom, the lobsters attacked me and bit into my flesh. I wanted to scream, but when I opened my mouth, only water and lobster claws rushed in. Suddenly a human hand reached down and pulled me out of the water. I had been saved by the paramedics who had been called to save a choking man, whom they never found.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 45

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go to the pet store. I wanted to buy a pet. And I assumed the Pet Store was called the Pet Store because you buy pets there. Little did I know that the pet store I was going to was not your typical pet store. As I walked in the door a young lady walked up to me and asked “what have you got to sell?” Apparently this was the kind of pet store where you sell pets, not buy them. I didn’t have any pets on me, so I told her I’d come back later. I continued walking down the street in my search for a pet. I saw a goldfish swimming in a pool in a pothole in the road. The light shimmered as it glinted off the fish. Mesmerized, I stepped towards it. Suddenly a bus zoomed by. Its wheel hit the pothole and the fish was squashed flat. I shed a tear for that fish that day. Alas, it was not to be my pet. So I continued walking down the street. I passed by a fancy restaurant, I saw a display of many lovely looking lobsters. I decided to go see if I could buy a pet lobster.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 44

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I was especially hot. And I’m not talking about the weather. Okay, I guess I am. I decided to go to the pool. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered, what is “the pool”? Which pool is it? Should I go to my neighborhood pool? Go to my neighbor’s pool? Go to my pool in my dollhouse? I decided to go to the pool in my dollhouse. I know what you’re thinking. It is a little weird for a grown man to have a dollhouse. It was given to me by my dearly departed mother. Unfortunately, this pool was rather small. I stepped in one toe at a time. Then my big toe got stuck. Then I decided that I was still hot. So I went to my neighbor’s pool. I hopped over his fence and ran and dove down next to his bushes. I popped my head up and looked around. There was no one to be seen, so I jumped into the water. Unfortunately, there was no water to be seen. I forgot he was cleaning his pool. So there I was, stuck at the bottom of an empty pool. Let me give you his pool’s dimensions. Roughly 20 feet long, 15 feet wide and 20 feet deep. There is no shallow end. As I sat in the pool, I wondered, would I ever escape alive. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized I was not alone. I brought my rubber ducky!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 41

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I, Mr. Smith, battered and bruised, black and bloody, I…needed to go home. Home is where the hurt is. I mean…the heart. There I was in Alaska. I knew I needed to go home. Wait…I already covered that. I started walking south. After I had been walking for what seemed like minutes (because it was) I bumped into something white and soft. It was the rear end of a polar bear! The camera zoomed out and I saw a humongous heard of polar bears blocking my path! And I pondered, why do polar bears travel in herds? In fact, I don’t think they do. Then I paused and reflected on life and how much these polar bears resembled sheep. I decided to brave the sheep and walk through. On the other side was portal to Kansas, otherwise known as a tornado. I took one step, then two, then three, then five. I skipped over four because there was some sheep doo. After I had waded through the sea of sheep, I looked back on the herd, I realized it was very small. Suddenly my hair stood on end and I was sucked up into the portal. The land around me went dark. When I opened my eyes again, I was back home, in Kansas. I looked down at my little dog and said, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Alaska anymore!” Then I realized, I didn’t have a dog. And its name wasn’t Toto. In front of me, I saw my house – nothing like the sweet smell of home. Then I gagged, and realized there was nothing sweet about it. The septic tank had exploded.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 40

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was, freezing my proverbial tail off. My whole life flashed before my eyes. Was this the end of Mr. Smith? I paused and reflected on life as I stared at rafters in the cold damp barn. And I wondered, do pigeons live in Alaska? And I saw on the rafters, a rare white Alaskan pigeon, known for its large amounts of excrement. It was as if I saw into the future – something wet and slimy was on my face. In slow motion I saw bird poop coming down from the rafters. I twisted to the side and rolled over into a pile of eggs. My vision had come true. Something slimy was indeed on my face. And the pigeon said “In yo face!” And I paused and reflected on the merits of talking to pigeons. I realized, pigeons don’t talk. Suddenly a middle aged woman jumped from the rafters and landed in front of me. She said “howdy, partner!” She stuck out her hand; “put it there, partner!”
“Are you a cowboy?” I asked.
“After failing to win the vice-president election, I decided to become an Alaskan cow-girl and herd polar bears.”
Then I paused and reflected on the merits of herding polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating cows. Then I said, “I’m hungry ma’am. Do you have any slop around here?” She said “What’s that on your face?” And I said “Yo’ mama!” Then I paused, and reflected on the merits of yo’ mama jokes and realized, I was entirely out of line. Next thing I knew I was lying on my back in the cold snow. I paused and reflected on the merits of black eyes. And I realized, there are no merits. There may be a Boy Scout badge, though. Why, why had I insulted her mama? Polar bear might have actually tasted good.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 35

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My hospital room was rather drab and dull. All my nurses were pregnant. Even the male ones. They were seahorses. My doctor told me I was hallucinating. He was pregnant too. They admitted me to a psych ward. After a few days of sitting around, asking as many questions as I could, I finally settled on my mode of escape – the garbage truck. I sealed myself in a plastic bag, put a banana peel on my head, and sat in a pile of trash. At the garbage dump, I found an old used car. It started up with no problem. But it didn’t go anywhere. So using some spit, wires, and some peanut brittle, I rigged together a makeshift go-cart. I was driving at high speeds on the dirt path. Driving towards California again. No one could stop me. No pregnant nurse. No crazed doctor. Not even the garbage man, who raised an eyebrow and said “Another one!?” Once I got onto the highway, I headed towards Utah. Upon reaching the Grand Canyon, I looked in vain for Paul Bunyan and his big Blue Ox. And his big metal axe which carved the great Grand Canyon. I rented an Indian guide by the name of Jose and he led me down the center of the canyon. We followed it into Arizona. After travelling for days without a shower, I finally checked into a hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I bought a nice pair of clothes and threw the dirty psycho garments away. I paid Jose with a lottery ticket I bought. I found out later that he won a million dollars.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 34

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lost in the Rockies. I was stumbling along what seemed to be a path. Then I ran into a tree. Apparently it wasn’t a path. I paused and reflected on the bump on my forehead. And then I stood and wondered, should I go around the right side of the tree or the left side? Quickly I took a glance around the right side. Then on the left. My observations confirmed my suspicion – I would have to climb over the tree. It’s more fun that way. I shimmied up the tree and not a moment too soon. Snakes were snapping furiously at my heels. There I was stuck in a tree, swarms of snakes slithered around the slimy soil as I spat my saliva at the sappy sand. “Why did it have to be snakes?” I exclaimed. I started to climb higher. I spent the night in the tree. I only fell out once. Fortunately, I was not bitten by any snakes when I landed on the cold hard ground. When morning came the sun, piercing through the trees, startled the snakes, and they fled the scene. I started walking again through the woods. To deal with my boredom, I decided to turn left at every third tree. I think I started going in circles. Finally after what seemed like days, in fact it was. I stumbled across something that seemed slightly similar to a road. It was. Then something stumbled across me. It was a truck. When I awoke, I was in an ambulance and I was headed back to civilization.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 31

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was at an abandoned farm house in the middle of Kansas. Or was it abandoned? The door had not opened. So I walked around to a window. I peered through the dim glass. My nose left a small smudge on it. I stepped back and kicked in the glass .My foot hurt. A lot. I heard a scream. And I ran into the house. There was an old lady, sitting next to the fireplace in a rocking chair, screaming her head off. I asked her what was wrong, but she just kept screaming. I tried to calm her down by patting her on the head. She screamed she wished she was dead. Finally I gave up and sat down. Surprisingly she stopped screaming. I asked her what was wrong, and she sobbed “I thought you were trying to rob me!” I explained how I was a traveler just looking for a place to spend the night. She said I could sleep in the barn. I apologized for the broken window. She said I could fix it in the morning. I stumbled out into the dark night. I followed a rope that was strung between the house and the barn. I laid down on what looked like a small bed. I think it was a feeding trough. In the morning, I woke to the smell of farm life. The old lady was standing around tossing chicken feed to the cows. I asked her what she was doing. She just stared at me. And I thought I was weird. She invited me in for breakfast. We had some fried chicken, boiled in elephant gizzards (whatever that is.) I nailed plywood over her broken window and gave her enough money to pay for a new one. After apologizing profusely, she told me to just leave. I got in my car, and I went far.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 30

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was travelling on the road in a car that can go far. In a jeep, beep beep beep. I was travelling down the interstate, in a state of boredom, in the state of Kansas. As I drove I counted cows, first on the right, then on the left. I stopped when I reached 10,000. And I paused and reflected on life, and realized, that is a lot of cows. After a while I noticed the cow’s routines were changing. Instead of just standing on four legs and chewing their cud, they were standing on two legs and spitting out mud. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and realized, these cows were actually farmers chewing tobacco. It was getting dark now. The sun was sinking behind the slimy horizon. It was slimy because of the spitting farmers. I decided I needed to stop for the night. So I started looking for a place to stay, when I spotted a barn full of hay. I asked if the chickens wanted to play. They said “no way!” So I continued to drive for a while. After a mile, I spotted a pile. Of hay bales. As I rounded the corner, I realized there was a farm house behind the bales. I drove off the parkway and parked on the driveway. I hopped out of my car and walked up to the house. After knocking on the door I awaited an answer. None was forthcoming. I shouted “Is anybody home?” And all I heard was a small “no!” I started to tremble. My knees shook and clashed. My teeth started to gnash. I reached for the door handle. Slowly I turned it. The door…didn’t open. And a ghost didn’t pop out at me. I was disappointed.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 26

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I drank so much water I felt like I had drunk a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I drank so much fish I grew gills. But then I paused and reflected on life and realized, there were no liver or fish in the water I had consumed. I knew then and there I had to get home. And I knew that home was home, on the range. Where the deer and the antel…never mind. I pulled out my superman watch, pushed a button, and waited. Soon I saw the incredible guy himself, flying towards me. He landed and a huge shockwave of sand sprayed around me. I said: “Thanks for getting here so fast, [name removed for privacy purposes.].” He replied: “Shh!My name’s Superman."
“Will you give a guy a ride?” I asked.
He said, “Sure, hop on my back!”
Away we zoomed up into the sky. Way, way high. We landed at home, next to the dome, on a bed of foam. I pulled out my comb, and I ran it through my hair. And he asked if I’d share. I said, “Of course, big bear.” And he said “Why are you talking like this?” And I said, “Because it’s fun.” He said, "I’d like some rum.” And away he flew. I stepped of the foam, and into some doo. My adventure had ended. I sure had some fun. But you know, next time I imagine a story like this, I’ll leave it at flying with Superman, and forget the whole Egypt bit.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 22

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The other day I was walking down the street, when I paused and realized, I often start my days by walking down the street. Sometimes I wake up, walking down the street. My friendly psychiatrist, Mr. Brown, said I probably sleepwalk. I said, I probably don’t. He didn’t say anything, so I continued talking. He still didn’t say anything, so I stopped talking. I left him after that. What good is a person who doesn’t talk? Back to where I was walking – I was walking down the street. The street was where I was walking. Yes, the street. And then I reached the corner of the street, and the garden gate. As I reached the garden gate, I spotted a cute little puppy, squatting over a bush. And I paused and reflected on life, and puppies, and bushes. I bent down and kissed the little puppy right on his dear little nose. Suddenly - to my great horror – I realized I had fulfilled the old adage. “Never kiss by the garden gate/Love is blind/But the neighbors ain’t.” I stood up, quick as a flash, kicked the dog into the bush and whistled down the street. I glanced from window to window, expecting to see a face. And there, there was a face. It didn’t belong to Mace. It definitely wasn’t Chase. (Daniels, that is.) Then I remembered something. Most of my neighbors were blind. In mind and soul. Plus they couldn’t see out of their eyes. Then I paused, and corrected my grammar and said “they don’t got good eyes.” Then I paused and reflected on life. And I lamented the poor dog I had kicked. I went back to that bush, but I couldn’t find the dog, only a lump of yellow smog.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.