Episode 81

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning when I woke up, my first thought was going back to sleep. In fact, I thought I still was asleep. For the room was dark. Very dark. Very, very dark. Very, very, very dark. Very, very, very, very dark! I tried to roll out of bed, and met resistance. If you say that like a French person, that sounds pretty awesome. Re-si-STONCE. Anyway. I met resistance when I rolled to my right, and when I rolled to my left. It was as if I were being boxed in. I sat up, and I hit my head. I was boxed in... I was IN a box. The inside was padded, as if someone had stapled a comforter to the inside. It was a coffin. Or so I feared. Suddenly I felt compelled to compose a dirge. Compelled to lament for the dead. I started thinking of all those who had passed before. Aunt Bertha. Uncle Eddie. Grandma Bartholomew. And of course, dear old mum. I had a strange feeling I was going to see them soon. Dun...Dun...DUN.  I decided to write a poem. And this is how it goes:

They all passed away
(Echo: away, away, away!)
They were no more
(Echo: more, more, more!)
I will soon be joining them
(Echo: them, them, them!)
I am sad.
(Echo: mad, mad, mad!)

Then I paused and reflected on mournful poems. And realized, I am a horrible poet. And I know it. Suddenly I had an incredible urge for Starbucks. That's kind of in like, Star Wars, where they have credits, but this is Star Trek, where they have star bucks. With this mournful thought, I sat alone. In the gloom. In my tomb.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 68

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I got a girlfriend. Surprised? She was too. I think of her when I see her. I think of her when I’m taking pictures of her. I think of her when I’m in a blimp up above looking down upon her. I love you Charlene. We went on a date the other night. To the roller derby. I don’t think she knew we were on a date. How come my girlfriends never like to acknowledge me? Such a poor soul am I. Though I’m really rich. Did I ever tell you I made the America’s best lists. No not America’s most wanted. America’s most wealthy! I own Bill Gates. I own Bill Gate’s dog. I own Bill Gate’s company. I own Bill Gate’s stocks. And his stockings. And his wife’s knitting needles. Then I paused and reflected on life and the merits of knitting one’s socks. I came to the conclusion it could be quite handy, if you knew how to knit. Perhaps I should take a class someday. Charlene could take it with me. Personally I love the smell of freshly knit socks. The sound of the needles clinking together. I used to watch dear old mum do that. Back in the good old days before she passed away...God rest her soul. Alas, God did not save the queen of Smithville. I think I need a snack. Perhaps some carrots dipped in mayonnaise.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 51

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I returned home from Africa, I spent the night in my tree house. Fortunately I did not get motion sickness from being up too high. I’ve been in other tree houses but there’s something different about my tree house; it doesn’t make me sick. The next morning I decided to go for a walk. On top of my fence. I walked completely around my yard…before I fell into my neighbor’s pool. This is not the empty pool, this is the one on the other side, Mr. McKnight’s pool. I floated on my back for a while - fat floats you know - before Mr. McKnight came out and saw me. Let’s just say he’s not a happy man. As soon as I saw him I turned over and pretended to be floating dead. The water muffled his cursing. He fished me out with his net. He expressed some glee at seeing it was me. I pretended to be dead for a little while, right up until he phoned all his friends and put me in a coffin. I sat up and looked around, but his back was turned, so I decided to play along a little bit longer. I’ve always wanted to attend my own funeral. The last funeral I’ve been to was my mother’s – God rest her soul. When the guests started to arrive, I was pleased not to see a dry eye. But I think they were laughing, not crying. This time when I sat up, I stood up. Then I promptly fell out of my coffin. The room was silent. And then I heard a voice from the tomb, “I might still be able to get my money back for the beer.” Mr. McKnight worries too much about finances. The crowds left. And I went home. Alone. And I had a party! A living party. I borrowed my neighbor’s pool. It was little Timmy’s from across the street, one of those one foot deep, round blow up pools.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 20

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided I was hungry. That meant I needed to get something to eat. I was hungry for some nuggets and a large sweet tea. So I went to Chick-fil-a. And then I pondered on sewing machines, and why they make that horrible noise. Why can’t they just be quiet? It reminds me of my dear mother. It makes me miss her so. Chick-fil-a and sewing machines go so hand in hand together. She would sew my clothes with a mouth full of crunchy waffle fries. Tiny pieces of breaded nuggets would fall on my clothes. I wondered why they always smelled like Chick-fil-a. But hey…I got all day. It’s time to play. Oh by the way, I love Chick-fil-a. Oh, and you too mom. Have you ever played guitar hero? The best song there is is “Chick-fil-a” by Tim Hawkins. (Look it up on YouTube.) It’s too bad I work at Subway.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 15

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I went for a walk on top of my fence. I didn’t fall off once. I fell off twice. My dear mother would be proud of me (God rest her soul.) One of those times I fell off my neighbor’s pool. Which is rather disgusting since it hasn’t been cleaned since he died. And his cat takes frequent swims in it. And of course I do too, at midnight. I love seeing the moon reflect off the water right before I jump in. And it made me pause and reflect on life…on the moon. And I then imagined what kind of strange little green aliens live on the moon and why I am not one of them. For I am defiantly not humankind, and am not mankind, and am not monkeykind…but I am not alienkind either. What am I? I am a reflection. A reflection of stupidity, for I am swimming in this slime, this gunk. I quickly got out of the pool and got in the sand box, and played sand monster for the rest of the day. I had lots of fun.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 8

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I went to the super market. They had an aisle for fruits, an aisle for vegetables, an aisle for meats, and an aisle for DVDs. I would have to say the latter is my favorite. I bought an interesting movie today. It was called Mr. Smith. It was actually quite dull. As I was sitting at my dinner table, wondering where the food would come from, I recalled a special person. Not unlike that native on the beach. This special person’s name was Mrs. Smith…God rest her soul. I remember when she used to have a meal for me when I came home. She would do my laundry, generally pick up around the house. How I miss her. I loved you Mum. My mother was very good at putting the food on the table for me. She worked very hard every day…driving to Chick-Fil-A to buy some food. I ought to go to Chick-Fil-A. Nuggets eaten. Waffle potato fries thrown on the floor. Ah, the days when I was young. I remember them like yesterday. In fact, it was yesterday. I must get ready for the funeral now. I hope I remember where it is.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.