Episode 21

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I work at Subway. At least I used to. The boss got a little bit angry. I tried to make a foot long, but it was a foot short instead, which means there was nothing there. It wasn’t my fault the boss ordered a foot long at that particular time of the day. At least he still got chips and a coke. Then I paused and reflected on life. And chips; buffalo chips. And who would eat buffalo chips? Maybe buffalos. And then I paused and reflected on buffalos. They sure are hairy things. Just like Aragorn’s kilt. Unfortunately, my boss fired me. I was standing a little too close to the stove, apparently. My shirttail caught on fire. When I realized it was a light, I ran out the door and grabbed for a bud light. Pouring it all over my seat, I sat down to eat. When I burst into flames, a whole bunch of dames stopped and stared. One of them grabbed a fire extinguisher and said “here!” and I said, “Where?” Needless to say, they really fired me then. Alas, I have no job. My mother would not be proud of me. And then I paused, and reflected on life. And decided, I didn’t really need a job. And I began to sob.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 19

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lying in peril, awaiting my doom – on the slopes of Mount Doom. Orcs all around me, trying to slay me. Aragorn on one side, Mace Windu on t’other. Up above a blue heron was flying to my rescue. On a cart with six wheels came Mario and Luigi – two Italian boys – and they smashed orcs left and right with their brand new Lego toys. But then I realized I was not helpless. I had my “orcs-away spray”. I pulled it out and started spraying. Like a skunk, it stunk, with an awful funk. And then came Michael Jordan, and he made a slam dunk. As I sprayed my spray on the head of an orc, it spun around and popped like a cork. I felt like a dork. The orcs were falling, they all started bawling. Suddenly I felt pity – pity, stayed my hand. And I yelled to my allies – stop! Stop! But it was too late – the orcs were all kilt around Aragorn’s waist. * The orcs were all dead. I sat on my head. I mourned their defeat. I don’t know why they were trying to kill me. I don’t know why I mourned them, that is. But then, with all those blood-thirsty men, strange cartoon characters and various birds, something was bound to happen. They would all turn on themselves, I knew it. Then in a heavenly chorus descended Chuck Norris. Then the Enterprise came out of the sky and squashed him flat. I was so happy; I hit his flat body with a bat. Then Aragorn charged at Mace Windu. And the blue heron dropped bombs on Mario and Luigi. Luigi whipped up a batch of spaghetti and launched meatballs into the sky. Again I yelled “Stop!” Again they did not listen. So I decided to employ my super power of the imagination shut-off button. And in a flash they all disappeared, leaving nothing but Gandalf’s beard.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. Then my mirror image disappeared.

*This means the orcs were all “killed” and then their skins were turned into an Scottish kilt, and Aragorn was wearing it.

Episode 18

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Yesterday I was walking down a mountain side. But this was not just any old mountain side. This was Mount Doom. I said MOUNT DOOM. But, I didn’t not know what mountain it was, until after this small story has ended. Anyway, I was walking down the mountain and I saw two short people with furry feet and big bushy heads. Thinking it was my two best friends, Matthew and Josh, I called out “George and Harry!” They didn’t turn around. So I called out “Matthew and Josh!” In a rare moment of insight, I called out “Frodo and Sam!” The fat one turned around and said “look, Mr. Frodo! It’s a weirdo running down the mountain side with lava behind him!” At that I turned around and nearly died from fright. In fact I nearly died from lava. I hastened down the mountain side at a tremendous clip. In front of me, Frodo and Sam collapsed on a rock jutting out. I tried to reach them but I was swept away by a pool of lava. By a river of lava. Lucky I was wearing my duck-tape suit, which lava cannot penetrate. The last thing I saw before my head struck a rock was an eagle soaring out of the sky and picking up Frodo and Sam. Something unusual in movies, it faded to white. Sometime later, I woke with a fright. It was very warm. It was out of the norm. I felt reborn. And I saw Aragorn. He walked towards me, battling Orcs left and right. They fell off his sword, cut clean in two. Mountains of orcs piled up all over the place. Then suddenly, I saw Mace. Windu, that is. He was coming from the other direction. His light saber glaring and a siren was blaring. And then, up above, I saw a blue heron. “Look out below!” Was the cry from the sky. White pellets came raining, smashing orcs on high. (It rhymes with sky.) Who would reach me first? Who would save me? Find out next time on…
The life and times of Mr. Smith.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 9

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I watched the Lord of the Rings last night: back to back to back. No I think you misunderstand me…I watched the trilogy back to back to back. That’s nine movies. My brain feels quite warped. I feel much better. After the recent loss of my dear mother, watching movies is the only meaning in life. Then I paused, and reflected. How Gollum could survive being so skinny. He must be more like a stupid fat hobbit. As I was thinking these thoughts, I suddenly looked down and saw my feet again. The music swells in joyful harmony. And as the music swelled, so did the smell. And I decided I must wash my feet. But then I was pondering on the merits of cleaning one’s feet. After all, they will only get dirty again. I decided it was about time I went down town again. Ah the city. The hustle and bustle of the city. No, that is cliché. The bustle and the hustle. And then the bustle and the hustle of the quarterback, as the quarterback hustles toward the end zone. I believe I have gotten off the topic. Back to the city. I must get back…to the future. The past is such a drag. So is the present. When is my birthday?
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.