Episode 65

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The president called me again. There was a tear in the space-time continuum. This looks like a job for…Mr. SMITH! The tear was residing over Australia in the approximate vicinity and time of September 23, 2003. My journey had begun. My job was clear. Repair the hole! Not that hole, you idiot! I hopped on the URSTUPID and did some quick travelin’. Pretty soon, I was in Australia, mate. There, I met the king of Persia. That dude is awesome. First thing I knew, he started playing some screamo music…on his harpsichord. It really pulled on my heart strings. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and the merits of screamo music, and realized…there were none. A typical realization for a genius such as I. Now I’m not a registered genius mind you…but I did score pretty high on my genius test scores. Anywho….(make that with four o’s…or, four and a half…). Anywhooooc? Where was I? Persia? No. I was Lost. I was Lost. I said that twice…no matter. I realized…I had to get Back to the Future. I had repaired the hole…not that hole you idiot! I repaired IT. Unfortunately, I was too late to catch flight 815 before it flew through the rip in space-time continuum. Poor Lost souls (emphasis on the Lost.) If I never shave, can it stay as scruff forever? Have you ever noticed that Jack’s scruff NEVER grows out? And that he always breathes REALLY hard? I’m sensing a connection between breathing and hair growth. I think I should start breathing on my chest…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 54

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had a mission. To save the world. Oh yeah. First, I needed a cigar. I was going deep under cover. I had to look like a gangster. The president was sending me to Antarctica. Apparently there was a mob wreaking havoc at an observation station deep in the wild wasteland. After I walked a while in the subway, I boarded the train and set off for Antarctica. As a secret agent I had access to one of the worlds little known marvels ––The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional, or, URSTUPID (if you believe this) for short. Within a few minutes I had arrived at my destination. I exited the URSTUPID and headed for the observation station. I was expecting to meet a bunch of thugs with machine guns (hence the cigar) but instead, I was confronted by a massive army – dare I say mob – of penguins. Rather disappointed, I paused, and reflected on life. Then I realized this was the mob the president had asked me to disperse. With a sigh, I snapped my fingers. Then I yelled “disperse ye rebels!” I was disappointed to see they did not heed my cry. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized that penguins probably didn’t speak English. So I shouted the same in French. Slowly, the penguins dispersed. My mission was almost complete. I had yet but one task to complete. The president had ordered me to control the station for a month. Like a good soldier, I do not question my orders.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.