Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 51

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I returned home from Africa, I spent the night in my tree house. Fortunately I did not get motion sickness from being up too high. I’ve been in other tree houses but there’s something different about my tree house; it doesn’t make me sick. The next morning I decided to go for a walk. On top of my fence. I walked completely around my yard…before I fell into my neighbor’s pool. This is not the empty pool, this is the one on the other side, Mr. McKnight’s pool. I floated on my back for a while - fat floats you know - before Mr. McKnight came out and saw me. Let’s just say he’s not a happy man. As soon as I saw him I turned over and pretended to be floating dead. The water muffled his cursing. He fished me out with his net. He expressed some glee at seeing it was me. I pretended to be dead for a little while, right up until he phoned all his friends and put me in a coffin. I sat up and looked around, but his back was turned, so I decided to play along a little bit longer. I’ve always wanted to attend my own funeral. The last funeral I’ve been to was my mother’s – God rest her soul. When the guests started to arrive, I was pleased not to see a dry eye. But I think they were laughing, not crying. This time when I sat up, I stood up. Then I promptly fell out of my coffin. The room was silent. And then I heard a voice from the tomb, “I might still be able to get my money back for the beer.” Mr. McKnight worries too much about finances. The crowds left. And I went home. Alone. And I had a party! A living party. I borrowed my neighbor’s pool. It was little Timmy’s from across the street, one of those one foot deep, round blow up pools.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 50

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Africa. Somewhere in Africa. It’s hot here. I’m hot here. At least the natives think I’m hot…for a 52 year old balding white guy from America. I think its supposed to be a compliment. I was staying in a grass hut made of…grass. They had lots of interesting types of food, too. Like chicken-soup, made with goat. And pork broth, made with chicken. Every evening, the whole tribe gathered around the camp-fire and danced and sang songs, and sprinkled powder over me. It was some type of honorary new-comers thing. They kept on feeding me lots and lots of food. Lots of cornbread made of rice. Huge hunks of wild boar, made of domesticated pigs. I stuffed my face every night, and they continued to sprinkle white powder on me. One day they brought out a huge black pot, big enough to fit Elvis in it. As they danced around the pot, they poured water in it. Then they showed me a cool hut, in which there were several strikingly beautiful females who gave me a massage. After that, they invited me to come sit in an honorary place – above the great big black pot full of boiling hot water. I could tell it was reserved for very important people only. Then as I sat in my throne, I enjoyed watching a game of ball, played by the young children. I couldn’t quite grasp the purpose of this game, but it seemed they were aiming for this little round target, down to my right, which was connected to the bottom of my chair. One of the boys hit the target. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the boiling pot. Then I realized it was just a fun way of getting me into a Jacuzzi! Then, because the vents apparently weren’t working, they took two large wooden spoons and spun me around. I could have sat there for hours. In fact I did. It was very nice and warm. I couldn’t quite understand the looks on the faces of the natives, when I stood up and got out of the pot. Had they never seen a duct tape suit before? I had been wearing it underneath my clothes, which had boiled off. The natives all dropped on their hands and knees and started singing something in some strange language I couldn’t understand. As I walked towards the edge of the village, I raised my arms and said in a loud voice, “Thank you for the food and the Jacuzzi!” They all shuddered and ran. I never understand strange natives, except for the blond-haired one. In Fiji.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 45

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go to the pet store. I wanted to buy a pet. And I assumed the Pet Store was called the Pet Store because you buy pets there. Little did I know that the pet store I was going to was not your typical pet store. As I walked in the door a young lady walked up to me and asked “what have you got to sell?” Apparently this was the kind of pet store where you sell pets, not buy them. I didn’t have any pets on me, so I told her I’d come back later. I continued walking down the street in my search for a pet. I saw a goldfish swimming in a pool in a pothole in the road. The light shimmered as it glinted off the fish. Mesmerized, I stepped towards it. Suddenly a bus zoomed by. Its wheel hit the pothole and the fish was squashed flat. I shed a tear for that fish that day. Alas, it was not to be my pet. So I continued walking down the street. I passed by a fancy restaurant, I saw a display of many lovely looking lobsters. I decided to go see if I could buy a pet lobster.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 44

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I was especially hot. And I’m not talking about the weather. Okay, I guess I am. I decided to go to the pool. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered, what is “the pool”? Which pool is it? Should I go to my neighborhood pool? Go to my neighbor’s pool? Go to my pool in my dollhouse? I decided to go to the pool in my dollhouse. I know what you’re thinking. It is a little weird for a grown man to have a dollhouse. It was given to me by my dearly departed mother. Unfortunately, this pool was rather small. I stepped in one toe at a time. Then my big toe got stuck. Then I decided that I was still hot. So I went to my neighbor’s pool. I hopped over his fence and ran and dove down next to his bushes. I popped my head up and looked around. There was no one to be seen, so I jumped into the water. Unfortunately, there was no water to be seen. I forgot he was cleaning his pool. So there I was, stuck at the bottom of an empty pool. Let me give you his pool’s dimensions. Roughly 20 feet long, 15 feet wide and 20 feet deep. There is no shallow end. As I sat in the pool, I wondered, would I ever escape alive. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized I was not alone. I brought my rubber ducky!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.