Episode 83

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Trapped. Like a rat in a cage. Like a cat in a corner. Like an alligator out of water...in a garbage dump... on the outskirts of town...underneath a volcano about to erupt...at the foot of a floating city on Bespin. So there I was. Trapped. There was a certain level of de-ja-vu to the situation. Sort of like I was trapped, like a pickle in a pickle jar, full of jalapeno salsa. Trapped. Like a lyric in a rap song... on a Saturday night. So anyway, if you hadn’t gotten the point, I’m trapped in a coffin. Sealed like an elephant in a bar. Like a bear in a car. Like a pizza in the tsar of Russia. So anyway, I was sealed in this coffin. My mind was going in circles. Circles were going in my mind. Slowly, the circles turned into chocolate chip cookies. I ate them, and was nourished. My mind wandered. It crawled through my mind’s eye. It roamed down to my toes. The smell made it retreat back into my head. My prospects were grim. It was looking rather dim. Not to mention it was pitch dark in the coffin. Dark as a gorilla with its eyes gouged out. Dark as my thoughts in this little tomb. Then I paused and reflected on life, and pondered my situation within. Then I paused and reflected on death. I prefer life. But I was still trapped. Like a gnat in a mosquito net. Then I paused and reflected on mosquito nets, and realized, gnats are smaller than mosquitoes. Therefore, they can escape from mosquito nets. And that solved my dilemma. I got a running start and flung myself to the bottom of the coffin. I felt myself falling...falling...and when I landed, I was no longer trapped. The coffin shattered on the hardwood floor.
    Thus ends this week’s reflection, and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 82

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. It is a new year. It is a new day. Every single day. Every day is not a new year every single day. If it was, I would be very, very old. It is time for a new year’s resolution. Or is it a new year’s revolution? Perhaps, it will even be a new year’s revival. Or a new year’s reveal. Or a new year’s pizza. Whatever the case, the new year shall be reasonable, I hope. For my new year’s resolution, I resolve to resolve to go to the renaissance fair. For my new year’s revival, I will be sure to write 2011 a lot. Kind of like 2011.....2011.....2011....Not like, 2577. But, 2011. For the new year’s reveal, I shall reveal a new clothing line...a Mr. Smith clothing line that shall be very big in Hollywood...a clothing line that is gonna make me famous! For the new year’s pizza, I resolve to eat it with all the toppings, even anchovies and catnip. And pickled participles (or should I say particles?) of peanut brittle. Anyway, the new year shall be reasonable. I’m sure it will be a fair year despite being an odd number. It shall be an interesting year despite my boring life. It will be yet another year that probably will not bring me a wife. This also may be a very short year for me, seeing as I am still in a coffin.
    Thus ends this week’s reflection, and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 81

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning when I woke up, my first thought was going back to sleep. In fact, I thought I still was asleep. For the room was dark. Very dark. Very, very dark. Very, very, very dark. Very, very, very, very dark! I tried to roll out of bed, and met resistance. If you say that like a French person, that sounds pretty awesome. Re-si-STONCE. Anyway. I met resistance when I rolled to my right, and when I rolled to my left. It was as if I were being boxed in. I sat up, and I hit my head. I was boxed in... I was IN a box. The inside was padded, as if someone had stapled a comforter to the inside. It was a coffin. Or so I feared. Suddenly I felt compelled to compose a dirge. Compelled to lament for the dead. I started thinking of all those who had passed before. Aunt Bertha. Uncle Eddie. Grandma Bartholomew. And of course, dear old mum. I had a strange feeling I was going to see them soon. Dun...Dun...DUN.  I decided to write a poem. And this is how it goes:

They all passed away
(Echo: away, away, away!)
They were no more
(Echo: more, more, more!)
I will soon be joining them
(Echo: them, them, them!)
I am sad.
(Echo: mad, mad, mad!)

Then I paused and reflected on mournful poems. And realized, I am a horrible poet. And I know it. Suddenly I had an incredible urge for Starbucks. That's kind of in like, Star Wars, where they have credits, but this is Star Trek, where they have star bucks. With this mournful thought, I sat alone. In the gloom. In my tomb.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 80

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was one step ahead of her. Or at least I was trying to be. It was rather hard though, seeing as I was on foot running backwards down the sidewalk, wearing handcuffs. And she was in a car. Driving forwards. Down the sidewalk. With an angry face. I begged her to reconsider. I said, por favor! Por favor favor favor favor! That's four favors by the way. As I stumbled, I was trying to pause and reflect on life and ponder my circumstances. But if I did, I would surely be run over. I could not explain the look of glee on her demented face. I had done hardly anything to annoy this woman. I had existed, I suppose. But then, so had she, and everyone else in the world. And now, let me tell you and everyone else in the world something. Let this be a lesson to all ye people. If ye boast, boast not in your own powers of weirdness. But rather, in something else...being...less weird....than you. And ye should not make bets about racing cars while running backwards in handcuffs.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 79

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was. Where I was, I do not know. THERE, I was. Where was there? There was where. There was a hair in his glare. Where was the hair? In his glare, on a chair. He tripped on a stair and landed there. Yes, we had arrived on the moon. I was shocked. And appalled. No, just shocked. The moon didn’t make me sneeze. The moon was not made of cheese. Wheez. I was on the moon, I had sealed my doom. There had not been enough room in the space shuttle to the moon. Thus, not enough air to get there. My fellow astronaut had not...not arrived safe and sound. It was my fault, that was clear. I shouldn’t have drunk so much beer. Oh dear. All year oh dear. Would I now be stuck? Was that my present luck? Is that a duck? Yes, indeed it was. Then I paused and reflected on life, and contemplated getting a wife...for that poor duck. Then I realized, it was a plot. A plot of land. And I was home, in my own backyard.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 78

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was back in Smithville Florida at the secret NASA training grounds. I still had to change pickle history forever. I needed to go to the moon and take with me horseradish on a bun and back again. That way people would forget the pickle craze sweeping the nation. First, I had to be accepted by NASA. I had to come up with an awesome astronaut name of course. I was thinking about Buzz AllSmith, but it was already taken by the famous Buzz AllSmith, so I decided to become Buzz AllSmith the second. With this name, and some awesome shades, I waltzed into the NASA main building. I walked up and said “Yo yo yo! You know who I am!”The guard immediately snapped to attention and said “Yes SIR! You are the famous Buzz AllSmith! How can I help you SIR?” Then I paused, and reflected on life, and on security guards, and broccoli. Specifically the piece of broccoli between his two front teeth. Then, after pausing for a moment, I proceeded to demand to be seated on the space shuttle. Pretty soon, I was ready for lift off. I was going to be on my way to the moon, and I would make horseradish on a sandwich be more famous than a pickle on a sandwich. Because you see, astronauts are awesome.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

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1.03.01

Episode 77

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The light bulb went out. I had gotten an un-idea. You know, the opposite of an idea. It occurred to me as I was sitting on a park bench in the middle of the drive, the passer-byers were actually passer-sellers. I enjoy sitting in the park. On that bench. Normally, I’m holding my wrench. I take much delight in loosening the bolts on the swing sets. And seeing the old guys trying to go for a swing, and landing on their bums. So far, twelve broken hips. It is rather mean is it not? So back to my un-idea. I would create a TV show. I would call it: the life and times of Mr. Smith: in the park, watching strangers break hips. First, I bought a camera. Not a dinky little hand held camera that takes just grainy old pictures – but a not-dinky, large camera that takes grainy new pictures in color. In Technicolor! After I bought the camera, I bought the camera crew. You didn’t really expect me to be the one filming it, did you? Then of course, I had to buy a couple actors. A couple of old geezers who needed hip replacements would do. So there I was, in the park. Filming. In the park. For my new TV show. Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith: in the park, watching strangers break hips. A few broken hips later, I had an amazing film… a film that would break hearts. And hips.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 76

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith.

Today I went for a walk.
I colored with chalk.
All around the block.

I spotted a duck.
Wouldn’t you know my luck!
He got hit by a truck.

Next I kicked a ball.
Into the neighbors wall.
Alas, it did fall.

I got in trouble.
Amongst the rubble.
I paid double.

I continued walking.
And skipping.
Not to mention tripping.

Then I paused and reflected on life
And pondered why I didn’t have a wife
I realized, I’d end up with just strife.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 75

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I witnessed a crime today. A little girl stole an ice cream cone from a little boy. I was shocked. And you guess it…appalled. I walked over. I slapped the little girl in the face. I was very ashamed when her mother came over and started yelling at me, explaining how the little boy had diabetes and couldn’t eat sugar. The little girl had saved his life. I was ashamed. Very, very ashamed. I was not a good man. According to the lady, I was a very bad, bad man. I think she was exaggerating a little bit. The president thinks I’m a very good man…called me in on another case. There was a murder. Two people were dead. So technically, there were two murders. I believe they call that….a double homicide. And I would know. Because I am a homicide detective. Or didn’t you know? Basically that means I’m a detective with homicidal tendencies…or that’s what psychiatrist tells me. The murder scene was thus. There were two dead people…one of them here, one of them there. There were two guns…one of them here, one of them there. There were two chalk outlines…one of them here, one of them…you guessed it….there. The pieces were all there. They were adding up. They were screaming, murder. Actually, those were the witnesses. The police there were saying it was a murder/suicide. The man shot the woman and then shot himself. Ah, but I knew what really had gone on…there was a third person in the equation. But that could not have been so, for the man was wearing a tie. No man would ever commit suicide while wearing a tie. Trust me. So I told the policemen there was another person…a real guilty person. I poked around a bit, found cigarette butts. Indeed, the two victims did not smell like smoke. My theory was proving true. I unrolled one of the cigarette butts and found a business card. He had rolled his own cigarettes. The cops went and picked him up. We had our murderer. I don’t think the president expected me to solve the case, but I did. I am, after all…Mr. Smith.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 74

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Lazy Sunday afternoon. Psh, I’m lazy all the time. And today was no exception. I started off my day by making a commitment. A commitment I would not leave my bed. Of course, this went over rather well while I was sleeping. For when one is asleep, one does not think of leaving one’s bed. And when two is awake, two does think of leaving two’s bed. The first flaw in my plan, I figured out, was normally, I get up out of bed. This cannot be accomplished without leaving the bed. The second thing I found out, my pantry is downstairs. Therefore breakfast could not be accomplished without leaving the bed. Then I paused and reflected on room service, and I thought, if only I were in a hotel, food could be delivered. Delivered…yes…pizza places deliver. My phone was within reach of my bed. So I picked up and dialed the local pizza shop. After placing my order for a large pizza with everything on it (even anchovies) I sat in my bed awaiting the delivery. While I was waiting, I attempted to change my clothes without leaving my bed. My dresser was across the room. But I was able to keep my feet on the bed, stretch out, and land my hands on the top of the dresser. I stayed there suspended, till I figured out how to open my drawers. I had to rest my forehead on the dresser and reach down with my arms. The next sight was a rather unusual one, trying to change in that position, but I succeeded. Then I realized my neighbors were looking in my window. Unfortunately I could not get over there to lower the blinds. Next thing was quite a chore. In fact it was my morning chores…making my bed. This was rather difficult. Finally, I was able to bounce a quarter on the bedsheets while balancing on the bedpost. Then the doorbell rang. Big problem. It was the pizza man, but still I could not get to my food. My food had to come to me! Fortunately I had an intercom system.

“Who’s there?” I growled.

“Pizza boy!”

I explained to him how I was an invalid, who is unable to move from his bed, and my regular nurse was off duty and left me alone, and how I needed him to bring the pizza up to my room. He seemed reluctant to obey my wishes. Finally I had to resort to pretending to be having a heart attack. He rushed up the stairs, and fortunately, he remembered the pizza. Naturally he was slightly angered to find that I was not an invalid nor was I having a heart attack. But I did have a crisp fifty dollar bill for him, which he was pleased about. So I sent him on his way, and began to eat my breakfast. The day went on. Lunch came and went. I ate more pizza. I was beginning to get bored. I was beginning to get extremely bored. I was bored, I continued to be bored, I hit my head on the headboard…I found a board game under my bed. I became bored. The day went on. The shadows lengthened. Night was coming. I skipped supper. I was bored of pizza. Suddenly, it dawned on me…I couldn’t brush my teeth! My whole day was wasted when I got out of bed to brush my teeth.

                Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 73

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go shopping. Not for groceries. Not for clothes. But for a new house. I wasn’t exactly looking for a new house, just a new basement for my house. First I had to find a seller. I found a seller who was selling cellars. They were extremely cheap. You just had to do the installation yourself. So here is my house:

And here is my cellar:

But you know me. I couldn’t just settle for a single cellar from the seller. I had to get two cellars, but I didn’t want to buy from this particular seller twice. So I got the second cellar from a second seller. Now this second seller was only selling small cellars. So I had to buy two from him:


Now with all these cellars I had lots of room to store my stuff. And of course whenever you get more stuff, you have to get stuff to protect your stuff. So I went to another seller who sold stuff to protect stuff. So he put armored plating around my cellars. Strong enough to withstand a nuclear explosion. Strong enough to keep out pesky little ants. And uncles:

And of course next I went to another seller to buy a tunnel. That way I have a quick way to get to my third cellar without having to go through my first two cellars:

Now that my cellars were complete I decided to have a party inviting all of my sellers over to see my cellars.

Now when my sellers came and saw me in my cellars, I think they thought I was extremely weird. And they all ran away screaming.

I just smiled and waved.

Don’t try to come in MY cellar when a nuclear bomb gets dropped. Or when huge monster killer ants from a giant ant hill invade… (or uncles.)
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

[images copyright Mr. Smith 2010]

Episode 72

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning, I decided it was time for another trip. It was time to go to the beach. Then I paused and reflected on life and I pondered beaches. And which beach I should go to. There’s the beach...on the west coast. The beach...on the east coast. The beach...on the south coast (excluding Mexico of course). And the beach on the great lakes. The beach...in Africa. The beach...in England. The beach...on the Red Sea. The beach....on the Dead Sea. The beach...on the Sea Sea. Oh! CiCi’s pizza...on the beach. With MLT on rye, when the mutton’s nice and lean. (That’s mutton lettuce and tomato by the way.) The beach in Hawaii. The beach in Fiji! Yes, Fiji. That would be my destination. It has been a long time since I’ve seen her. Yes, I am referring to...the blond native. I hopped on a plane. An airplane. I even remembered to buy a ticket. My flight was rather uneventful. Made out with a couple stewardesses...stole a couple blankets...threw up my shrimp all over the lavatory. Dumb airplane food. But like I said, rather uneventful. I was slightly befuddled and bewildered to see Hurley on the plane. And Kate. And Jack. And Sayid. Some dude with his face all bloodied and bashed in, and his arm in a sling. And also Sun. The whole Lost cast was on board. Fear gripped my heart. My hand gripped my chest. Then, it happened. We crashed. Now I had been in many other plane crashes before. But this one was different. All the Losties vanished in a flash of light. Then, we crashed. We just kept crashing, as if we were stuck in a time warp. They were there one second. They were gone. We crashed. They were there again. They vanished. We crashed. They re-appeared. Poof, they were gone. We crashed. Disgusted I stood up, walked to the end of the room, pulled out the DVD, and blew the hair off of it.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 71

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had done it. I finally did it. I was victorious. I conquered the mysterious space-time continuum. I created a machine that displaced the temporal disturbances. For you unscientific people, I created time travel. What does one do when they first build a time machine? I of course went back in time and gave myself the plans to the machine. That way I could create it in half the time. Then, instead of taking two years, it only took one, and i had the whole other year to stalk....I mean, date...Charlene. Next place I went was my wedding day. I was slightly surprised to see Kate there instead of Charlene. Blasphemy! Fortunately, my future is not set in stone. Most of my friends were there. Well I mean, two out of three came. That’s not bad considering. Four if you count pastor Bill. He’s sort of a friend. As long as I keep paying my tithe. Yesterday he started a fifty part sermon series on the giving of tithes and offerings. Did you know bananas taste funny when you mix them with chopped anchovies? Who’d have thunk it? Another curious thing about my time traveling machine, which I discovered, was that wherever I travel to, a copy of me was left there. I mean, can you imagine a wedding with two grooms? AWKWARD. I went back in time to the Civil War, many times over, and created an army. The south nearly won the war! If only I hadn’t stopped to pause and reflect on life in the middle of the battle field...all twenty thousand of me. I’ll never go back to Gettysburg again.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 70

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith.
I wanted to bake a cake. I am a rather good baker you know. I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar from one of my neighbors. Mr. Jones, of course, was already dead and I didn’t know the people who had moved into his house since. Little Timmy of course, wouldn’t have any, and if he did, it would be imaginary. Mr. McKnight on my other side would be the best guess. I waltzed over to his house. I strolled up to his front door. And bashed it in. I couldn’t understand why he yelled at me to get out. I didn’t even get any sugar. But that’s ok. I would substitute baking soda instead. My cake would turn out ok. I didn’t have any flour, but I had another white substance lying around the house I used instead. I am not at liberty to discuss what it was. I was also out of eggs, so I used another excellent thickener...goats milk. And I also added many other secret ingredients which I cannot discuss. When my cake was done, I realized I had stumbled across some dynamite. I decided to try it out. No, I didn’t do it in my house, I’m not that dumb. I did it in Mr. McKnight’s house. I then I paused and reflected on life, and the Bible verse “love thy neighbor as thyself. And I realized, I can be a cruel person. I felt sorrow for my sins. I repented, and was baptized. That was when Mr. McKnight threw me in the pool.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 69

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided to go for a walk. I had not done this in a while. Perhaps too long. My legs were weak and flabby. I could hardly see my toes over my belly. Too much mayonnaise. Today I decided to take my music with me on my walk. I constantly see people with ipods and mp3 players and walkman radios and various other instruments. I decided to bring my boom box with me. Just held it up to one ear and started walking. I was blasting Beethoven at the top of its.... volume level. Suddenly I heard a voice. “Beethoven?” I asked.
“No dumb-dumb.” Replied a female voice. It was Beethoven’s wife. I paused and reflected on life. I had my suspicions that Beethoven’s wife was already dead. Thus this woman could not be she. I did not voice my opinion. Instead I simply said “hello.” When I opened my eyes, I saw quite a sight. The most hippiest hippie I’d ever seen. Man, she was hip. She was tight. She was LEGIT. FLOWER POWER!! I had met a genuine hippie. I was pleased. I hadn’t met a genuine hippie since mi papa left. He was a Mexican hippie. Now I’m not talking about my birth father, of course, I’ll never tell you anything about him. I’m not part Mexican just so you know. I don’t want you picturing some little Hispanic person with a little goatee. I am a Caucasian person with a big goatee. Gosh, get it right!
Thus ends this week’s reflection and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 68

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I got a girlfriend. Surprised? She was too. I think of her when I see her. I think of her when I’m taking pictures of her. I think of her when I’m in a blimp up above looking down upon her. I love you Charlene. We went on a date the other night. To the roller derby. I don’t think she knew we were on a date. How come my girlfriends never like to acknowledge me? Such a poor soul am I. Though I’m really rich. Did I ever tell you I made the America’s best lists. No not America’s most wanted. America’s most wealthy! I own Bill Gates. I own Bill Gate’s dog. I own Bill Gate’s company. I own Bill Gate’s stocks. And his stockings. And his wife’s knitting needles. Then I paused and reflected on life and the merits of knitting one’s socks. I came to the conclusion it could be quite handy, if you knew how to knit. Perhaps I should take a class someday. Charlene could take it with me. Personally I love the smell of freshly knit socks. The sound of the needles clinking together. I used to watch dear old mum do that. Back in the good old days before she passed away...God rest her soul. Alas, God did not save the queen of Smithville. I think I need a snack. Perhaps some carrots dipped in mayonnaise.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 67

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This reflection is from my reflection on the Lost island. I awoke to the sound of raining coconuts...and mangoes...and papayas...and dogs? Or actually it was just one dog. It was a yellow lab. This made me pauses and reflect the merits of traveling with animals...and traveling with children. Seeing as the two are very similar. Suddenly I was astonished to see the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. The long locks of curly hair...and then he turned around. I’m only interested in large women....not large men. The person walked up to me and was like “Dude...dude.” So I was like, “Dude.” And he was like, “Ok, dude.” And then I paused and reflected on life and tried to understand what had just transpired between us. He motioned and was like, “Dude.” And I was like, “Cool.” Together we walked towards their encampment on the beach. My new friend was a man of few words. Until he stepped on a sea urchin. I learned many words that day I had never heard before. They were Korean. The survivors of the plan crash took me in like a son...or an elderly grandfather. I lived with them happily for many days. Till they discovered I was not on their flight manifest. Me and some other dude named Ethan. He didn’t last long. Neither did I...but long enough to make out with Kate ;) Thus ends this Lost reflection.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 66

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I fixed the hole. Yes, THAT hole you moron. But for some reason I felt...Lost. I felt like I was living in two different worlds. Here I was at home, and yet I was having random flashes as if I were on a random island in the middle of nowhere. On this island I lived a second life. I had flashed sideways...and tripped. My face was buried in the sand. I pushed myself upright and was blinded by the...blinding sun. I saw a smoky blob moving across the horizon. It made strange growling noises and the trees shook and it exploded out of the ground. I was terrified. Then I saw it. I saw IT which stilled my heart. It that made my heart skip a beat. It which made my perspiration flow freely from my brow. It...was a plan crash. I had failed on my mission. I had not saved flight 815 from Sydney to L.A. Horror gripped my heart. Pain told my hand to stop gripping. I stood in utter bewilderment and disbelief as the terrible sight of the crash and plane swept me off my feet. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man walking across the beach. I was rather surprised, considering the plan had yet to finish crashing. But I paid him no mind. I hastened toward the crash sight. What I saw bewildered and befuddled me. It was confusion, mass case. I decided to come back the next day. Thus began my bewildered existence on this peculiar island...apart from my regular existence. I had truly created a reflection.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 65

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The president called me again. There was a tear in the space-time continuum. This looks like a job for…Mr. SMITH! The tear was residing over Australia in the approximate vicinity and time of September 23, 2003. My journey had begun. My job was clear. Repair the hole! Not that hole, you idiot! I hopped on the URSTUPID and did some quick travelin’. Pretty soon, I was in Australia, mate. There, I met the king of Persia. That dude is awesome. First thing I knew, he started playing some screamo music…on his harpsichord. It really pulled on my heart strings. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and the merits of screamo music, and realized…there were none. A typical realization for a genius such as I. Now I’m not a registered genius mind you…but I did score pretty high on my genius test scores. Anywho….(make that with four o’s…or, four and a half…). Anywhooooc? Where was I? Persia? No. I was Lost. I was Lost. I said that twice…no matter. I realized…I had to get Back to the Future. I had repaired the hole…not that hole you idiot! I repaired IT. Unfortunately, I was too late to catch flight 815 before it flew through the rip in space-time continuum. Poor Lost souls (emphasis on the Lost.) If I never shave, can it stay as scruff forever? Have you ever noticed that Jack’s scruff NEVER grows out? And that he always breathes REALLY hard? I’m sensing a connection between breathing and hair growth. I think I should start breathing on my chest…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 64

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had arrived in Smithville Florida. I put on my mustache and big nose disguise. First I surveyed the area. I had to look for a way into NASA’s secret testing facilities. I looked to my right, I looked to my left. I looked down the middle and *oomph* you take a bite! I was chewing tobacco. I was trying to look like a hick farmer from Kansas. I saw the Royal colors come down the road. It was the Queen, God save her. Her motorcade was coming down the road towards me. I put on my best British accent and spat out my tobacco. I said “ahoy there, mateys! I’m beholdin’ to ya to bring me into the inner courts for me buckos have let me down.” The motorcade stopped. I was guessing my English accent was working. One of the guards turned to me and said “What are you talking about, chap?”
“Uhh…” I stammered. “I wish to speak to the queen.”
Suddenly, God Save the Queen started playing, and her royal highness herself popped her head out of her limousine. “What’s all this rot??” She exclaimed. Bewildered by her sudden appearance, I immediately forgot my intentions. “Hurry up laddie…I’ve got to go to the loo!”
“The who?”
“The loo! Get out of my bloody way!”
The motorcade swiftly commenced on its way in a puff of smoke. Then I heard it. That unholy noise. Someone BROKE WIND.
“What was that?”
One of the guards solemnly turned to me and said in a perfect British accent, “The Queen broke wind, God save her.”
Thus ends this week’s reflections...and all that rot. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 63

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. It was time for a trip again. I paused and reflected on life and pondered places to visit. After a while of pondering I decided I would like to go to the moon. It would be very succulent to stand on a huge ball of cheese. But it can be very expensive to go to the moon. I would have to hitch a ride with someone else. Preferably where they are paying. I paused and pondered the meaning of life, and pickles. Why, why I ask do people eat pickles on sandwiches, Instead of sandwiches on pickles? Then it came to me, NASA. They were responsible for many things. They were responsible for tooth paste tubes, and cats that don’t lick themselves. They were responsible for the pickle on sandwich craze sweeping the nation. After all it was the famous astronaut Buzz AllSmith who took pickles to the moon and back on a bun. It was he who ate said sandwich with a slice of moon cheese in all the commercials, selling the sliced pickle idea even more. I had to have a talk with these crazy people who seamed to think that pickles should only be a condiment. I was heading to NASA headquarters in Smithville Florida. My goal: change pickle history forever, and catch a shuttle ride to the moon while I was at it. Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 62

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. It has been a long while since I paused and reflected on anything. Or at least that I have shared with you. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t sat in the street and thought deep thoughts, or flown around the world, looked down on Texas and paused and reflected on how the state looks like a loser sign. This day started much like another. They all seem the same to me these days. I woke up. I rolled over and went back to sleep. Suddenly my eyes shot open! I was tired of sleeping, and dreaming of tired. This time when I rolled out of bed I did it with a spring in my step! I was launched up through the ceiling. I was stuck, with my head in the attic and my feet in the attic’s attic. I wiggled my body this way and that way, did you ever see a Lassie go this way or that? I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye as something zoomed past me in a blur of color. Then I felt a strange twitching in my stomach. I looked down and where my folds of fat were folding over the timbers, a small mouse nibbled to set me free. Slowly the mouse nibbled and slowly the timbers grip was loosened. I started to slip out of my crushing perch. Then with a mighty nibble of its small teeth, my friendly mouse bit through the last of the folds of skin. As if in slow motion I slid out of my fat suit and fell to the ground..
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 61

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I woke up in the morning. I was almost surprised – I normally don’t wake up in the morning. I sleep till noon. But today, for some reason, I was awake bright and early. Then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered why, why, WHY does the sun have to shine in my bedroom? Then I realized, it didn’t have to! I could make it not. I could order the sun not to shine in my window, but the sun has a mind of its own, and tends not to listen to me when I yell at it. I could nail plywood over my window, but then I wouldn’t be able to see the snow falling in the evenings. Or the moonlight striking the tulips. Or the dew that turns to ice and frosts up the window panes. I would miss all those things. The only thing I would not miss, is the sun waking me up in the morning. Now if it was a daughter, I might not mind as much. So I decided I should get up, and get out. It was time to get going. Then I paused and reflected on cold floors, and then I combed my hair while looking at my reflection, and realized, marble was not a very good thing to have under your bed. Marbles also can cause problems. It’s very easy to slip and break a hip.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 60

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Christmastime is here. I woke this morning to the sound of bells. Christmas bells. Sleigh bells. I realized they were coming from somewhere up on the roof. I flopped out of bed and rolled to the window. It was ajar. I twisted the lid on the jar. Lets see how does that go, righty-tighty lefty-loosey? I stuck my head out the window. I stuck my torso out the window. Turning, I stretched my gaze towards the roof. Suddenly, a blob of snow slid down the roof and hit me in the face. And I paused and reflected on life and realized, snow is very cold. I lost my grip…on reality. And I drifted, I drifted for what seemed like years. I was spiraling, I was twisting. I was doing “the dance”. In this alternate dimension, the snow spiraled around me in colorful twists that looked like a mixture of black and white photographs and billions of nerds floating not down, but up. This vortex of color…(and lack of color)…spun me up and suddenly I wasn’t falling, I was floating. For a second I blacked out. And when I awoke two seconds later, I was laying on an ocean of floating cotton balls with crushed lilac petals. I touched my hair, ran my fingers through the silky streams, and I realized this was definitely a dream. Because I had hair. I let go and embraced the dream. Suddenly above me I saw a bright red blob quickly falling towards me. Suddenly terror built in me when I realized the blob was a very large fat Santa Claus and he was about to land on me. I made an awesome ninja move, springing on my hands, landing a ways back on my face. There was a splat as Santa landed. I thought he landed, but instead he pushed through the ocean of cotton balls and disappeared into the clouds beneath him. Suddenly I realized I had failed. I was destined to save Christmas. The Smith who saved Christmas. With a lunge I flung myself through the hole that Santa had left in the cotton balls. Now I was falling. But I had to reach Santa before it was too late. Terror again grasped at my heart. As I saw Santa about to be impaled on the rows of houses below, I realized I had failed. At that moment I woke up, and for a second, I had not failed. I had not, not saved Christmas. But only for a moment, because then I hit the floor. As I lay there, snowflakes drifted through the window and landed softly on my face.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 59

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. The president had sent me to Antarctica because he wanted to surprise me with an early Christmas present. It was so thoughtful of him. He’d bought me and Olympic sized pool. But he had to move my house to make room for it. He’s such a nice guy, the president. So of course, when he asked if he could use it, I told him he could. They had airlifted my house to Mexico. It was for my next mission. Observe how the poor people live. It’s amazing how many poor people you can fit in my big house. There wasn’t even enough room for me anymore. Did I mention how the president is such a nice guy? And I like the president, but I didn’t feel Mexico was for me. So I called my buddy superman, and he airlifted my house straight back to Kansas. Of course, I still wanted to be able to use the pool, so I asked him to plop it down on Mr. Jones’s old house. Have I mentioned how superman is a real swell guy too? Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, if I left out all the anti-freeze, I would have had one awesome ice rink during the winter.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 58

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. Flattened, as if by a tornado. And yet, there were no remains. It was as if it had vanished without a trace. It was a cold case. There I was the only survivor. I looked to my right; the Simpson’s house was still there. I looked to my left, that family guy’s house was still there. On the other side, the great American dad’s house was there. I looked behind my house; Chuck’s house was still there. Even that house, which was just called House, was still there. I pulled out my cell phone and called the E.R. “Call the justice league! I need some heroes!” They told me they weren’t quite in that genre of house hunting. I said, “come on, we can make a deal.” Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I had really missed watching TV when I was in Antarctica. Then up the street came the dog whisperer. As he came close, I said “Caesar, can you help me find my house?” He only replied “Shh! The dogs!” I was at a loss for words. He moved on down the street. Then a bus came rolling by. It was filled with the Sopranos. Then, from the other side of the street came that American Idol, Hannah Montana. Followed closely behind her was a marathon, it was the Amazing Race. When they passed me, I yelled out “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Then I realized, I was the Biggest Loser.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 56

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. I was walking through the snow, through the cold, through the dark, through the night. And then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered, why, why, WHY is the world round? Then I paused and reflected on the world and realized the world was just like a marble – its small, and its round. Yeah. Then I looked up on through the haze and I was startled with what I saw. It was a lone penguin standing…alone. There he was silhouetted against the striking color of the colorless snow. I was surprised to see another shape moving swiftly towards the silhouetted penguin. I gasped as I saw it was another penguin. The second penguin handed something to the first penguin, and then scurried off the way it had come. I had stumbled upon a real find – a drug exchange. Quickly I flopped down in the snow to avoid being seen by the penguin. Its beady yellow eyes seemed to stare at me through the softly fallen snow. To avoid being seen I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was horrified to see penguin feet right in front of my face. Suddenly something dropped in front of my face. I flinched. It was penguin doo! And it was toilet paper the other penguin had handed him!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 55

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica, shivering in the cold. Sleeping with the penguins. In the belly of a polar bear. It was rather dark, and it stunk too. Like a skunk. With an awful funk. So there I was in a polar bear. My dilemma - do I want to stay in the polar bear? So then I paused and reflected on life. If I wanted to get out, I could go two different ways. And if I wanted to stay, I might starve to death. Given the choice between the three of them, I decided going out the front door would be the best choice of survival. So I pulled out my Italian candles – dynamite (pronounced de-na-ME-tay) – but then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, it might be a bad idea to light my Italian candle. It was a matter of life or death. I mean, what did the poor polar bear do to deserve such a fate? Then I paused and realized…he ate me, and I proceeded. The snow turned crimson…like freshly fallen chopped meat. Then I paused and reflected on life and made a snow angel there in the snow.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 54

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had a mission. To save the world. Oh yeah. First, I needed a cigar. I was going deep under cover. I had to look like a gangster. The president was sending me to Antarctica. Apparently there was a mob wreaking havoc at an observation station deep in the wild wasteland. After I walked a while in the subway, I boarded the train and set off for Antarctica. As a secret agent I had access to one of the worlds little known marvels ––The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional, or, URSTUPID (if you believe this) for short. Within a few minutes I had arrived at my destination. I exited the URSTUPID and headed for the observation station. I was expecting to meet a bunch of thugs with machine guns (hence the cigar) but instead, I was confronted by a massive army – dare I say mob – of penguins. Rather disappointed, I paused, and reflected on life. Then I realized this was the mob the president had asked me to disperse. With a sigh, I snapped my fingers. Then I yelled “disperse ye rebels!” I was disappointed to see they did not heed my cry. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized that penguins probably didn’t speak English. So I shouted the same in French. Slowly, the penguins dispersed. My mission was almost complete. I had yet but one task to complete. The president had ordered me to control the station for a month. Like a good soldier, I do not question my orders.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 53

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today, I got a phone call. I rushed into the kitchen and picked up the phone. I heard a dial tone. Again, I heard the phone ring. It was coming from somewhere upstairs. Then I remembered the red phone. It had been a long time since I had gotten a call on the red phone. The last time I had spoken on the red phone, the president had asked me to stop sending him yo’ mama jokes by email. Yes, that’s right. My red phone connects me directly with the president of the United States of America. I rummaged through my closet, searching for the red phone. Finally I found it. I flipped it open. “Go,” I said. “Yes, this is Smith….okay…okay. Got it.” I hung up the phone. I had been ordered on my first mission in a long time. Quickly I ran to the nearest phone booth and closed the door. When I emerged I was dressed in my secret agent man costume. I stared walking down the street. You know, that cool walk that looks like it’s in slow motion on TV. I slammed into a light post. Pulling down my shades, I looked around to see if anyone had seen my escapade. Then I looked around for my escape. I spotted a man hole thirty feet away. Quickly I ran with my hands to my sides. I made a duck, and a roll, and fell in the hole. In the hole, it was completely dark. Until I took off my shades. Then I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Quickly it approached. I heard a roar. It sounded like a tornado. As the light drew near, I realized it was the subway. I flung myself to the side. Then I paused and reflected on life, and realized, I had barely escaped death. Then I paused and reflected on death, and realized, it is a gateway to the unknown. I took a step into the gateway. Thus ends the life of Mr. Smith…okay, not really. I didn’t step into the train. I waited till it had passed. I’m not that anxious to die.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 52

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided I had gone too long without a job. Ever since my factory exploded, I had been living off my dearly departed mother’s endless wealth. When thinking of where I wanted to work, I first thought of my interests. Of course, food came to mind. And I thought of my favorite restaurants. Chick-fil-A…I could eat there 7 times a day. I went into my closest Chick-fil-A and asked for an application for employment. A girl who appeared to be 13, with no chin, brought me an application. I asked for a pen. She didn’t have one on her, so she called over to the other side of the room, “Ben, can I have a pen!” Then, out of the back, came a tall…handsome…masculine…distinguished looking gentleman. It was Jason, the manager I had talked to last time I had been there. He said “oh, we’re hiring! Don’t bother filling out that application - you’re hired!”
“Thank you.” I said. “How much does this job pay?”
“How much are you willing to work for?” He responded.
“100 dollars an hour?”
“You’re fired.”
Sadly, I turned to leave. I was trying to make him feel pity for me. It didn’t work. I left the restaurant feeling dejected. I had forgotten to eat any food again. As I was walking out the door, I bumped into a tall, graceful, youthful girl, who doesn’t spill pasta all over the counter. “Pardon me, ma’am,” I said. “Allow me to get the door for you.” I tried to pull it in, but it would not budge. I pulled with all my strength. The young lady said “Push!” I knew right then and there that I had made a fool out of myself.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 51

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I returned home from Africa, I spent the night in my tree house. Fortunately I did not get motion sickness from being up too high. I’ve been in other tree houses but there’s something different about my tree house; it doesn’t make me sick. The next morning I decided to go for a walk. On top of my fence. I walked completely around my yard…before I fell into my neighbor’s pool. This is not the empty pool, this is the one on the other side, Mr. McKnight’s pool. I floated on my back for a while - fat floats you know - before Mr. McKnight came out and saw me. Let’s just say he’s not a happy man. As soon as I saw him I turned over and pretended to be floating dead. The water muffled his cursing. He fished me out with his net. He expressed some glee at seeing it was me. I pretended to be dead for a little while, right up until he phoned all his friends and put me in a coffin. I sat up and looked around, but his back was turned, so I decided to play along a little bit longer. I’ve always wanted to attend my own funeral. The last funeral I’ve been to was my mother’s – God rest her soul. When the guests started to arrive, I was pleased not to see a dry eye. But I think they were laughing, not crying. This time when I sat up, I stood up. Then I promptly fell out of my coffin. The room was silent. And then I heard a voice from the tomb, “I might still be able to get my money back for the beer.” Mr. McKnight worries too much about finances. The crowds left. And I went home. Alone. And I had a party! A living party. I borrowed my neighbor’s pool. It was little Timmy’s from across the street, one of those one foot deep, round blow up pools.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 50

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Africa. Somewhere in Africa. It’s hot here. I’m hot here. At least the natives think I’m hot…for a 52 year old balding white guy from America. I think its supposed to be a compliment. I was staying in a grass hut made of…grass. They had lots of interesting types of food, too. Like chicken-soup, made with goat. And pork broth, made with chicken. Every evening, the whole tribe gathered around the camp-fire and danced and sang songs, and sprinkled powder over me. It was some type of honorary new-comers thing. They kept on feeding me lots and lots of food. Lots of cornbread made of rice. Huge hunks of wild boar, made of domesticated pigs. I stuffed my face every night, and they continued to sprinkle white powder on me. One day they brought out a huge black pot, big enough to fit Elvis in it. As they danced around the pot, they poured water in it. Then they showed me a cool hut, in which there were several strikingly beautiful females who gave me a massage. After that, they invited me to come sit in an honorary place – above the great big black pot full of boiling hot water. I could tell it was reserved for very important people only. Then as I sat in my throne, I enjoyed watching a game of ball, played by the young children. I couldn’t quite grasp the purpose of this game, but it seemed they were aiming for this little round target, down to my right, which was connected to the bottom of my chair. One of the boys hit the target. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the boiling pot. Then I realized it was just a fun way of getting me into a Jacuzzi! Then, because the vents apparently weren’t working, they took two large wooden spoons and spun me around. I could have sat there for hours. In fact I did. It was very nice and warm. I couldn’t quite understand the looks on the faces of the natives, when I stood up and got out of the pot. Had they never seen a duct tape suit before? I had been wearing it underneath my clothes, which had boiled off. The natives all dropped on their hands and knees and started singing something in some strange language I couldn’t understand. As I walked towards the edge of the village, I raised my arms and said in a loud voice, “Thank you for the food and the Jacuzzi!” They all shuddered and ran. I never understand strange natives, except for the blond-haired one. In Fiji.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 49

Reflections of the life and times of Mr. Smith. I got a call from a friend of mine in Africa. Surprised I could hear him? You shouldn’t be. He has a very loud voice. I decided to change my normal ways and bought a ticket. Then I hopped on a plane. Normally I leave out that ticket buying part. Unfortunately, my plane crashed. I paused and reflected on life and realized, this seems to happen to me a lot. It must be something with me and plane rides. But then after all, a famous person once said, “What’s life without a plane crash?” Don’t ask me who said it; he must not be as famous as I thought. As is common with plane crashes, I survived. And fortunately, we crashed right in front of the runway in Africa, so I only had a little ways to walk. My friend had a car waiting for me, and I was driven to his house. But on the way, I was driven to insanity. The driver wouldn’t stop singing with the radio. I think he thought he was Elvis or something, he kept singing about a hunk of love. When I arrived at my friend’s house, I asked him why he called me. He said “Mr. Smith, I need your help. I need to decide, should I eat banana or mango with my lunch today?” I paused and reflected on banana and mango, and realized, I had flown half way across the world to answer this question. So I said “You should eat both.” He said thanks. But he didn’t offer me any. I guess I should have had him leave one of the choices for me.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 48

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Its game day. Someone gave me tickets to a Cardinals game. Not just any old game, it’s the game that’s today. Who are they playing? Who cares it’s the Cardinals!

I hopped in my car and I went far.
I slipped on a soap bar.
I got a sandwich, grilled. Char,
that is. On the way to the game, I picked up a dame.
I don’t know her name. I’m kinda lame.
When I got there, I took my chair.
A ball went fair. I couldn’t see for the glare.
The runner came home.
We weren’t under a dome.
I saw a man playing a trombone.
He wasn’t alone.
The Cardinals had scored.
But then rain poured.
In a delay I got bored.
I prayed to the Lord,
please let the Cardinals win!
I was poked by a pin.
That was a sin.
The game started again.
The Cardinals kept on winning.
Someone kept on sinning.
It was just the beginning
of the ninth inning.
Pujols hit it hard.
It went out of the yard.
It landed in the lap of a bard,
eating a can of lard.
The game was at an end.
I drove round the bend.
I was left to fend
for myself, because it’s the end.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 47

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I do my own designing. I designed my house, I design my clothes, I even designed my own boat once. Just the other day I decided to design my own tree house. Whenever you start designing a tree house, you have to start with the basics. The most important of these is the tree. So I read up on the internet on the strongest types of trees and decided that pine was the way to go. So I went to the store and bought some pine and planted it in my backyard.

That’s when I discovered, trees take a long time to grow. So I decided to go with a tree that was already grown. Unfortunately, my backyard has no trees. But my neighbor’s does. It sits right next to my fence. Sometimes the leaves fall into my backyard, which makes me rather angry, because it’s never enough to make a good leaf pile, just enough to tease you. So, that night, I snuck outside and moved my fence to the other side of the tree, thus extending my yard.So, with the most important piece in place, I commenced to designing my tree house. This is my tree house:

Unfortunately, I made a few minor math errors, and it ended up looking like this:

Oh well. If people complain, I can always move my fence back and say it’s on my neighbor’s property.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

[images copyright Mr. Smith 2009]

750ad7ec-642a-4d3b-9ebc-119b19300586

1.03.01

Episode 46

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. As I walked into the restaurant, a fancy dressed gentleman came up to me and said something I could not understand. I asked him to repeat himself. Again, he spoke something in that nasally tone I could not understand. I made signs with my hands, trying to communicate, trying to tell him I wanted a pet lobster. Apparently he thought I was choking, because he called 911. While he was busy I slipped into the back. There I was facing a glass case, full of lovely lobsters. I wanted one. I needed one. I had to have a lobster! Looking around I searched for a way of retrieving a lobster. Finally in the corner I spotted a step ladder. I leaned it up against the case. I ascended on high. As I reached down, to grab a lobster, I leaned farther and farther, and suddenly there was a loud noise, and in rushed a paramedic team. They slammed into my ladder and sent me flying. The world shifted into slow motion. I felt myself falling to what appeared to be my doom. I fell head first into the tank. As I sank to the bottom, the lobsters attacked me and bit into my flesh. I wanted to scream, but when I opened my mouth, only water and lobster claws rushed in. Suddenly a human hand reached down and pulled me out of the water. I had been saved by the paramedics who had been called to save a choking man, whom they never found.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 45

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go to the pet store. I wanted to buy a pet. And I assumed the Pet Store was called the Pet Store because you buy pets there. Little did I know that the pet store I was going to was not your typical pet store. As I walked in the door a young lady walked up to me and asked “what have you got to sell?” Apparently this was the kind of pet store where you sell pets, not buy them. I didn’t have any pets on me, so I told her I’d come back later. I continued walking down the street in my search for a pet. I saw a goldfish swimming in a pool in a pothole in the road. The light shimmered as it glinted off the fish. Mesmerized, I stepped towards it. Suddenly a bus zoomed by. Its wheel hit the pothole and the fish was squashed flat. I shed a tear for that fish that day. Alas, it was not to be my pet. So I continued walking down the street. I passed by a fancy restaurant, I saw a display of many lovely looking lobsters. I decided to go see if I could buy a pet lobster.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 44

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I was especially hot. And I’m not talking about the weather. Okay, I guess I am. I decided to go to the pool. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered, what is “the pool”? Which pool is it? Should I go to my neighborhood pool? Go to my neighbor’s pool? Go to my pool in my dollhouse? I decided to go to the pool in my dollhouse. I know what you’re thinking. It is a little weird for a grown man to have a dollhouse. It was given to me by my dearly departed mother. Unfortunately, this pool was rather small. I stepped in one toe at a time. Then my big toe got stuck. Then I decided that I was still hot. So I went to my neighbor’s pool. I hopped over his fence and ran and dove down next to his bushes. I popped my head up and looked around. There was no one to be seen, so I jumped into the water. Unfortunately, there was no water to be seen. I forgot he was cleaning his pool. So there I was, stuck at the bottom of an empty pool. Let me give you his pool’s dimensions. Roughly 20 feet long, 15 feet wide and 20 feet deep. There is no shallow end. As I sat in the pool, I wondered, would I ever escape alive. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized I was not alone. I brought my rubber ducky!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 43

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to clean my attic. The first step to cleaning the attic, is to get in the attic. This is rather difficult for my attic, being as the attic is disconnected from the house. I know this sounds strange, but there is literally a floor between us. You might call it, the attic’s attic. First, I had to find a ladder. I borrowed my neighbor’s. I don’t think he knew, but that’s okay. When I finally got the ladder into the house, I situated it under the trap door that leads to the first attic’s attic. I know this sounds strange, because it is.
This is my house:

These are my attics:

This is me, getting from my second floor through the tunnel that lead's to the attic's attic:

This is me in the attic's attic. Now I can go through the trap door into the regular attic.

So you see, it is very hard to move anything from the attic, because you have to go through the attic's attic, into the tunnel, and into the house. And it is very hard to move anything from the house into the attic, because you have to go through the tunnel, into the attic's attic, and into the attic. I never cleaned my attic. I got too tired of crawling through tunnels. Whoever designed this house was an idiot. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, I did my own designing. Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeard.

[images copyright Mr.Smith 2009]