Episode 76

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith.

Today I went for a walk.
I colored with chalk.
All around the block.

I spotted a duck.
Wouldn’t you know my luck!
He got hit by a truck.

Next I kicked a ball.
Into the neighbors wall.
Alas, it did fall.

I got in trouble.
Amongst the rubble.
I paid double.

I continued walking.
And skipping.
Not to mention tripping.

Then I paused and reflected on life
And pondered why I didn’t have a wife
I realized, I’d end up with just strife.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 75

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I witnessed a crime today. A little girl stole an ice cream cone from a little boy. I was shocked. And you guess it…appalled. I walked over. I slapped the little girl in the face. I was very ashamed when her mother came over and started yelling at me, explaining how the little boy had diabetes and couldn’t eat sugar. The little girl had saved his life. I was ashamed. Very, very ashamed. I was not a good man. According to the lady, I was a very bad, bad man. I think she was exaggerating a little bit. The president thinks I’m a very good man…called me in on another case. There was a murder. Two people were dead. So technically, there were two murders. I believe they call that….a double homicide. And I would know. Because I am a homicide detective. Or didn’t you know? Basically that means I’m a detective with homicidal tendencies…or that’s what psychiatrist tells me. The murder scene was thus. There were two dead people…one of them here, one of them there. There were two guns…one of them here, one of them there. There were two chalk outlines…one of them here, one of them…you guessed it….there. The pieces were all there. They were adding up. They were screaming, murder. Actually, those were the witnesses. The police there were saying it was a murder/suicide. The man shot the woman and then shot himself. Ah, but I knew what really had gone on…there was a third person in the equation. But that could not have been so, for the man was wearing a tie. No man would ever commit suicide while wearing a tie. Trust me. So I told the policemen there was another person…a real guilty person. I poked around a bit, found cigarette butts. Indeed, the two victims did not smell like smoke. My theory was proving true. I unrolled one of the cigarette butts and found a business card. He had rolled his own cigarettes. The cops went and picked him up. We had our murderer. I don’t think the president expected me to solve the case, but I did. I am, after all…Mr. Smith.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 74

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Lazy Sunday afternoon. Psh, I’m lazy all the time. And today was no exception. I started off my day by making a commitment. A commitment I would not leave my bed. Of course, this went over rather well while I was sleeping. For when one is asleep, one does not think of leaving one’s bed. And when two is awake, two does think of leaving two’s bed. The first flaw in my plan, I figured out, was normally, I get up out of bed. This cannot be accomplished without leaving the bed. The second thing I found out, my pantry is downstairs. Therefore breakfast could not be accomplished without leaving the bed. Then I paused and reflected on room service, and I thought, if only I were in a hotel, food could be delivered. Delivered…yes…pizza places deliver. My phone was within reach of my bed. So I picked up and dialed the local pizza shop. After placing my order for a large pizza with everything on it (even anchovies) I sat in my bed awaiting the delivery. While I was waiting, I attempted to change my clothes without leaving my bed. My dresser was across the room. But I was able to keep my feet on the bed, stretch out, and land my hands on the top of the dresser. I stayed there suspended, till I figured out how to open my drawers. I had to rest my forehead on the dresser and reach down with my arms. The next sight was a rather unusual one, trying to change in that position, but I succeeded. Then I realized my neighbors were looking in my window. Unfortunately I could not get over there to lower the blinds. Next thing was quite a chore. In fact it was my morning chores…making my bed. This was rather difficult. Finally, I was able to bounce a quarter on the bedsheets while balancing on the bedpost. Then the doorbell rang. Big problem. It was the pizza man, but still I could not get to my food. My food had to come to me! Fortunately I had an intercom system.

“Who’s there?” I growled.

“Pizza boy!”

I explained to him how I was an invalid, who is unable to move from his bed, and my regular nurse was off duty and left me alone, and how I needed him to bring the pizza up to my room. He seemed reluctant to obey my wishes. Finally I had to resort to pretending to be having a heart attack. He rushed up the stairs, and fortunately, he remembered the pizza. Naturally he was slightly angered to find that I was not an invalid nor was I having a heart attack. But I did have a crisp fifty dollar bill for him, which he was pleased about. So I sent him on his way, and began to eat my breakfast. The day went on. Lunch came and went. I ate more pizza. I was beginning to get bored. I was beginning to get extremely bored. I was bored, I continued to be bored, I hit my head on the headboard…I found a board game under my bed. I became bored. The day went on. The shadows lengthened. Night was coming. I skipped supper. I was bored of pizza. Suddenly, it dawned on me…I couldn’t brush my teeth! My whole day was wasted when I got out of bed to brush my teeth.

                Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 73

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go shopping. Not for groceries. Not for clothes. But for a new house. I wasn’t exactly looking for a new house, just a new basement for my house. First I had to find a seller. I found a seller who was selling cellars. They were extremely cheap. You just had to do the installation yourself. So here is my house:

And here is my cellar:

But you know me. I couldn’t just settle for a single cellar from the seller. I had to get two cellars, but I didn’t want to buy from this particular seller twice. So I got the second cellar from a second seller. Now this second seller was only selling small cellars. So I had to buy two from him:


Now with all these cellars I had lots of room to store my stuff. And of course whenever you get more stuff, you have to get stuff to protect your stuff. So I went to another seller who sold stuff to protect stuff. So he put armored plating around my cellars. Strong enough to withstand a nuclear explosion. Strong enough to keep out pesky little ants. And uncles:

And of course next I went to another seller to buy a tunnel. That way I have a quick way to get to my third cellar without having to go through my first two cellars:

Now that my cellars were complete I decided to have a party inviting all of my sellers over to see my cellars.

Now when my sellers came and saw me in my cellars, I think they thought I was extremely weird. And they all ran away screaming.

I just smiled and waved.

Don’t try to come in MY cellar when a nuclear bomb gets dropped. Or when huge monster killer ants from a giant ant hill invade… (or uncles.)
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

[images copyright Mr. Smith 2010]

Episode 72

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning, I decided it was time for another trip. It was time to go to the beach. Then I paused and reflected on life and I pondered beaches. And which beach I should go to. There’s the beach...on the west coast. The beach...on the east coast. The beach...on the south coast (excluding Mexico of course). And the beach on the great lakes. The beach...in Africa. The beach...in England. The beach...on the Red Sea. The beach....on the Dead Sea. The beach...on the Sea Sea. Oh! CiCi’s pizza...on the beach. With MLT on rye, when the mutton’s nice and lean. (That’s mutton lettuce and tomato by the way.) The beach in Hawaii. The beach in Fiji! Yes, Fiji. That would be my destination. It has been a long time since I’ve seen her. Yes, I am referring to...the blond native. I hopped on a plane. An airplane. I even remembered to buy a ticket. My flight was rather uneventful. Made out with a couple stewardesses...stole a couple blankets...threw up my shrimp all over the lavatory. Dumb airplane food. But like I said, rather uneventful. I was slightly befuddled and bewildered to see Hurley on the plane. And Kate. And Jack. And Sayid. Some dude with his face all bloodied and bashed in, and his arm in a sling. And also Sun. The whole Lost cast was on board. Fear gripped my heart. My hand gripped my chest. Then, it happened. We crashed. Now I had been in many other plane crashes before. But this one was different. All the Losties vanished in a flash of light. Then, we crashed. We just kept crashing, as if we were stuck in a time warp. They were there one second. They were gone. We crashed. They were there again. They vanished. We crashed. They re-appeared. Poof, they were gone. We crashed. Disgusted I stood up, walked to the end of the room, pulled out the DVD, and blew the hair off of it.
    Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 71

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had done it. I finally did it. I was victorious. I conquered the mysterious space-time continuum. I created a machine that displaced the temporal disturbances. For you unscientific people, I created time travel. What does one do when they first build a time machine? I of course went back in time and gave myself the plans to the machine. That way I could create it in half the time. Then, instead of taking two years, it only took one, and i had the whole other year to stalk....I mean, date...Charlene. Next place I went was my wedding day. I was slightly surprised to see Kate there instead of Charlene. Blasphemy! Fortunately, my future is not set in stone. Most of my friends were there. Well I mean, two out of three came. That’s not bad considering. Four if you count pastor Bill. He’s sort of a friend. As long as I keep paying my tithe. Yesterday he started a fifty part sermon series on the giving of tithes and offerings. Did you know bananas taste funny when you mix them with chopped anchovies? Who’d have thunk it? Another curious thing about my time traveling machine, which I discovered, was that wherever I travel to, a copy of me was left there. I mean, can you imagine a wedding with two grooms? AWKWARD. I went back in time to the Civil War, many times over, and created an army. The south nearly won the war! If only I hadn’t stopped to pause and reflect on life in the middle of the battle field...all twenty thousand of me. I’ll never go back to Gettysburg again.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 70

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith.
I wanted to bake a cake. I am a rather good baker you know. I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar from one of my neighbors. Mr. Jones, of course, was already dead and I didn’t know the people who had moved into his house since. Little Timmy of course, wouldn’t have any, and if he did, it would be imaginary. Mr. McKnight on my other side would be the best guess. I waltzed over to his house. I strolled up to his front door. And bashed it in. I couldn’t understand why he yelled at me to get out. I didn’t even get any sugar. But that’s ok. I would substitute baking soda instead. My cake would turn out ok. I didn’t have any flour, but I had another white substance lying around the house I used instead. I am not at liberty to discuss what it was. I was also out of eggs, so I used another excellent thickener...goats milk. And I also added many other secret ingredients which I cannot discuss. When my cake was done, I realized I had stumbled across some dynamite. I decided to try it out. No, I didn’t do it in my house, I’m not that dumb. I did it in Mr. McKnight’s house. I then I paused and reflected on life, and the Bible verse “love thy neighbor as thyself. And I realized, I can be a cruel person. I felt sorrow for my sins. I repented, and was baptized. That was when Mr. McKnight threw me in the pool.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 69

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided to go for a walk. I had not done this in a while. Perhaps too long. My legs were weak and flabby. I could hardly see my toes over my belly. Too much mayonnaise. Today I decided to take my music with me on my walk. I constantly see people with ipods and mp3 players and walkman radios and various other instruments. I decided to bring my boom box with me. Just held it up to one ear and started walking. I was blasting Beethoven at the top of its.... volume level. Suddenly I heard a voice. “Beethoven?” I asked.
“No dumb-dumb.” Replied a female voice. It was Beethoven’s wife. I paused and reflected on life. I had my suspicions that Beethoven’s wife was already dead. Thus this woman could not be she. I did not voice my opinion. Instead I simply said “hello.” When I opened my eyes, I saw quite a sight. The most hippiest hippie I’d ever seen. Man, she was hip. She was tight. She was LEGIT. FLOWER POWER!! I had met a genuine hippie. I was pleased. I hadn’t met a genuine hippie since mi papa left. He was a Mexican hippie. Now I’m not talking about my birth father, of course, I’ll never tell you anything about him. I’m not part Mexican just so you know. I don’t want you picturing some little Hispanic person with a little goatee. I am a Caucasian person with a big goatee. Gosh, get it right!
Thus ends this week’s reflection and then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 68

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I got a girlfriend. Surprised? She was too. I think of her when I see her. I think of her when I’m taking pictures of her. I think of her when I’m in a blimp up above looking down upon her. I love you Charlene. We went on a date the other night. To the roller derby. I don’t think she knew we were on a date. How come my girlfriends never like to acknowledge me? Such a poor soul am I. Though I’m really rich. Did I ever tell you I made the America’s best lists. No not America’s most wanted. America’s most wealthy! I own Bill Gates. I own Bill Gate’s dog. I own Bill Gate’s company. I own Bill Gate’s stocks. And his stockings. And his wife’s knitting needles. Then I paused and reflected on life and the merits of knitting one’s socks. I came to the conclusion it could be quite handy, if you knew how to knit. Perhaps I should take a class someday. Charlene could take it with me. Personally I love the smell of freshly knit socks. The sound of the needles clinking together. I used to watch dear old mum do that. Back in the good old days before she passed away...God rest her soul. Alas, God did not save the queen of Smithville. I think I need a snack. Perhaps some carrots dipped in mayonnaise.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 67

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This reflection is from my reflection on the Lost island. I awoke to the sound of raining coconuts...and mangoes...and papayas...and dogs? Or actually it was just one dog. It was a yellow lab. This made me pauses and reflect the merits of traveling with animals...and traveling with children. Seeing as the two are very similar. Suddenly I was astonished to see the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. The long locks of curly hair...and then he turned around. I’m only interested in large women....not large men. The person walked up to me and was like “Dude...dude.” So I was like, “Dude.” And he was like, “Ok, dude.” And then I paused and reflected on life and tried to understand what had just transpired between us. He motioned and was like, “Dude.” And I was like, “Cool.” Together we walked towards their encampment on the beach. My new friend was a man of few words. Until he stepped on a sea urchin. I learned many words that day I had never heard before. They were Korean. The survivors of the plan crash took me in like a son...or an elderly grandfather. I lived with them happily for many days. Till they discovered I was not on their flight manifest. Me and some other dude named Ethan. He didn’t last long. Neither did I...but long enough to make out with Kate ;) Thus ends this Lost reflection.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 66

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I fixed the hole. Yes, THAT hole you moron. But for some reason I felt...Lost. I felt like I was living in two different worlds. Here I was at home, and yet I was having random flashes as if I were on a random island in the middle of nowhere. On this island I lived a second life. I had flashed sideways...and tripped. My face was buried in the sand. I pushed myself upright and was blinded by the...blinding sun. I saw a smoky blob moving across the horizon. It made strange growling noises and the trees shook and it exploded out of the ground. I was terrified. Then I saw it. I saw IT which stilled my heart. It that made my heart skip a beat. It which made my perspiration flow freely from my brow. It...was a plan crash. I had failed on my mission. I had not saved flight 815 from Sydney to L.A. Horror gripped my heart. Pain told my hand to stop gripping. I stood in utter bewilderment and disbelief as the terrible sight of the crash and plane swept me off my feet. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man walking across the beach. I was rather surprised, considering the plan had yet to finish crashing. But I paid him no mind. I hastened toward the crash sight. What I saw bewildered and befuddled me. It was confusion, mass case. I decided to come back the next day. Thus began my bewildered existence on this peculiar island...apart from my regular existence. I had truly created a reflection.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 65

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The president called me again. There was a tear in the space-time continuum. This looks like a job for…Mr. SMITH! The tear was residing over Australia in the approximate vicinity and time of September 23, 2003. My journey had begun. My job was clear. Repair the hole! Not that hole, you idiot! I hopped on the URSTUPID and did some quick travelin’. Pretty soon, I was in Australia, mate. There, I met the king of Persia. That dude is awesome. First thing I knew, he started playing some screamo music…on his harpsichord. It really pulled on my heart strings. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and the merits of screamo music, and realized…there were none. A typical realization for a genius such as I. Now I’m not a registered genius mind you…but I did score pretty high on my genius test scores. Anywho….(make that with four o’s…or, four and a half…). Anywhooooc? Where was I? Persia? No. I was Lost. I was Lost. I said that twice…no matter. I realized…I had to get Back to the Future. I had repaired the hole…not that hole you idiot! I repaired IT. Unfortunately, I was too late to catch flight 815 before it flew through the rip in space-time continuum. Poor Lost souls (emphasis on the Lost.) If I never shave, can it stay as scruff forever? Have you ever noticed that Jack’s scruff NEVER grows out? And that he always breathes REALLY hard? I’m sensing a connection between breathing and hair growth. I think I should start breathing on my chest…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.