Episode 60

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Christmastime is here. I woke this morning to the sound of bells. Christmas bells. Sleigh bells. I realized they were coming from somewhere up on the roof. I flopped out of bed and rolled to the window. It was ajar. I twisted the lid on the jar. Lets see how does that go, righty-tighty lefty-loosey? I stuck my head out the window. I stuck my torso out the window. Turning, I stretched my gaze towards the roof. Suddenly, a blob of snow slid down the roof and hit me in the face. And I paused and reflected on life and realized, snow is very cold. I lost my grip…on reality. And I drifted, I drifted for what seemed like years. I was spiraling, I was twisting. I was doing “the dance”. In this alternate dimension, the snow spiraled around me in colorful twists that looked like a mixture of black and white photographs and billions of nerds floating not down, but up. This vortex of color…(and lack of color)…spun me up and suddenly I wasn’t falling, I was floating. For a second I blacked out. And when I awoke two seconds later, I was laying on an ocean of floating cotton balls with crushed lilac petals. I touched my hair, ran my fingers through the silky streams, and I realized this was definitely a dream. Because I had hair. I let go and embraced the dream. Suddenly above me I saw a bright red blob quickly falling towards me. Suddenly terror built in me when I realized the blob was a very large fat Santa Claus and he was about to land on me. I made an awesome ninja move, springing on my hands, landing a ways back on my face. There was a splat as Santa landed. I thought he landed, but instead he pushed through the ocean of cotton balls and disappeared into the clouds beneath him. Suddenly I realized I had failed. I was destined to save Christmas. The Smith who saved Christmas. With a lunge I flung myself through the hole that Santa had left in the cotton balls. Now I was falling. But I had to reach Santa before it was too late. Terror again grasped at my heart. As I saw Santa about to be impaled on the rows of houses below, I realized I had failed. At that moment I woke up, and for a second, I had not failed. I had not, not saved Christmas. But only for a moment, because then I hit the floor. As I lay there, snowflakes drifted through the window and landed softly on my face.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 59

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. The president had sent me to Antarctica because he wanted to surprise me with an early Christmas present. It was so thoughtful of him. He’d bought me and Olympic sized pool. But he had to move my house to make room for it. He’s such a nice guy, the president. So of course, when he asked if he could use it, I told him he could. They had airlifted my house to Mexico. It was for my next mission. Observe how the poor people live. It’s amazing how many poor people you can fit in my big house. There wasn’t even enough room for me anymore. Did I mention how the president is such a nice guy? And I like the president, but I didn’t feel Mexico was for me. So I called my buddy superman, and he airlifted my house straight back to Kansas. Of course, I still wanted to be able to use the pool, so I asked him to plop it down on Mr. Jones’s old house. Have I mentioned how superman is a real swell guy too? Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, if I left out all the anti-freeze, I would have had one awesome ice rink during the winter.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 58

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. Flattened, as if by a tornado. And yet, there were no remains. It was as if it had vanished without a trace. It was a cold case. There I was the only survivor. I looked to my right; the Simpson’s house was still there. I looked to my left, that family guy’s house was still there. On the other side, the great American dad’s house was there. I looked behind my house; Chuck’s house was still there. Even that house, which was just called House, was still there. I pulled out my cell phone and called the E.R. “Call the justice league! I need some heroes!” They told me they weren’t quite in that genre of house hunting. I said, “come on, we can make a deal.” Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I had really missed watching TV when I was in Antarctica. Then up the street came the dog whisperer. As he came close, I said “Caesar, can you help me find my house?” He only replied “Shh! The dogs!” I was at a loss for words. He moved on down the street. Then a bus came rolling by. It was filled with the Sopranos. Then, from the other side of the street came that American Idol, Hannah Montana. Followed closely behind her was a marathon, it was the Amazing Race. When they passed me, I yelled out “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Then I realized, I was the Biggest Loser.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 56

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. I was walking through the snow, through the cold, through the dark, through the night. And then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered, why, why, WHY is the world round? Then I paused and reflected on the world and realized the world was just like a marble – its small, and its round. Yeah. Then I looked up on through the haze and I was startled with what I saw. It was a lone penguin standing…alone. There he was silhouetted against the striking color of the colorless snow. I was surprised to see another shape moving swiftly towards the silhouetted penguin. I gasped as I saw it was another penguin. The second penguin handed something to the first penguin, and then scurried off the way it had come. I had stumbled upon a real find – a drug exchange. Quickly I flopped down in the snow to avoid being seen by the penguin. Its beady yellow eyes seemed to stare at me through the softly fallen snow. To avoid being seen I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was horrified to see penguin feet right in front of my face. Suddenly something dropped in front of my face. I flinched. It was penguin doo! And it was toilet paper the other penguin had handed him!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 55

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica, shivering in the cold. Sleeping with the penguins. In the belly of a polar bear. It was rather dark, and it stunk too. Like a skunk. With an awful funk. So there I was in a polar bear. My dilemma - do I want to stay in the polar bear? So then I paused and reflected on life. If I wanted to get out, I could go two different ways. And if I wanted to stay, I might starve to death. Given the choice between the three of them, I decided going out the front door would be the best choice of survival. So I pulled out my Italian candles – dynamite (pronounced de-na-ME-tay) – but then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, it might be a bad idea to light my Italian candle. It was a matter of life or death. I mean, what did the poor polar bear do to deserve such a fate? Then I paused and realized…he ate me, and I proceeded. The snow turned crimson…like freshly fallen chopped meat. Then I paused and reflected on life and made a snow angel there in the snow.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 54

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I had a mission. To save the world. Oh yeah. First, I needed a cigar. I was going deep under cover. I had to look like a gangster. The president was sending me to Antarctica. Apparently there was a mob wreaking havoc at an observation station deep in the wild wasteland. After I walked a while in the subway, I boarded the train and set off for Antarctica. As a secret agent I had access to one of the worlds little known marvels ––The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional, or, URSTUPID (if you believe this) for short. Within a few minutes I had arrived at my destination. I exited the URSTUPID and headed for the observation station. I was expecting to meet a bunch of thugs with machine guns (hence the cigar) but instead, I was confronted by a massive army – dare I say mob – of penguins. Rather disappointed, I paused, and reflected on life. Then I realized this was the mob the president had asked me to disperse. With a sigh, I snapped my fingers. Then I yelled “disperse ye rebels!” I was disappointed to see they did not heed my cry. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized that penguins probably didn’t speak English. So I shouted the same in French. Slowly, the penguins dispersed. My mission was almost complete. I had yet but one task to complete. The president had ordered me to control the station for a month. Like a good soldier, I do not question my orders.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 53

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today, I got a phone call. I rushed into the kitchen and picked up the phone. I heard a dial tone. Again, I heard the phone ring. It was coming from somewhere upstairs. Then I remembered the red phone. It had been a long time since I had gotten a call on the red phone. The last time I had spoken on the red phone, the president had asked me to stop sending him yo’ mama jokes by email. Yes, that’s right. My red phone connects me directly with the president of the United States of America. I rummaged through my closet, searching for the red phone. Finally I found it. I flipped it open. “Go,” I said. “Yes, this is Smith….okay…okay. Got it.” I hung up the phone. I had been ordered on my first mission in a long time. Quickly I ran to the nearest phone booth and closed the door. When I emerged I was dressed in my secret agent man costume. I stared walking down the street. You know, that cool walk that looks like it’s in slow motion on TV. I slammed into a light post. Pulling down my shades, I looked around to see if anyone had seen my escapade. Then I looked around for my escape. I spotted a man hole thirty feet away. Quickly I ran with my hands to my sides. I made a duck, and a roll, and fell in the hole. In the hole, it was completely dark. Until I took off my shades. Then I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Quickly it approached. I heard a roar. It sounded like a tornado. As the light drew near, I realized it was the subway. I flung myself to the side. Then I paused and reflected on life, and realized, I had barely escaped death. Then I paused and reflected on death, and realized, it is a gateway to the unknown. I took a step into the gateway. Thus ends the life of Mr. Smith…okay, not really. I didn’t step into the train. I waited till it had passed. I’m not that anxious to die.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 52

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided I had gone too long without a job. Ever since my factory exploded, I had been living off my dearly departed mother’s endless wealth. When thinking of where I wanted to work, I first thought of my interests. Of course, food came to mind. And I thought of my favorite restaurants. Chick-fil-A…I could eat there 7 times a day. I went into my closest Chick-fil-A and asked for an application for employment. A girl who appeared to be 13, with no chin, brought me an application. I asked for a pen. She didn’t have one on her, so she called over to the other side of the room, “Ben, can I have a pen!” Then, out of the back, came a tall…handsome…masculine…distinguished looking gentleman. It was Jason, the manager I had talked to last time I had been there. He said “oh, we’re hiring! Don’t bother filling out that application - you’re hired!”
“Thank you.” I said. “How much does this job pay?”
“How much are you willing to work for?” He responded.
“100 dollars an hour?”
“You’re fired.”
Sadly, I turned to leave. I was trying to make him feel pity for me. It didn’t work. I left the restaurant feeling dejected. I had forgotten to eat any food again. As I was walking out the door, I bumped into a tall, graceful, youthful girl, who doesn’t spill pasta all over the counter. “Pardon me, ma’am,” I said. “Allow me to get the door for you.” I tried to pull it in, but it would not budge. I pulled with all my strength. The young lady said “Push!” I knew right then and there that I had made a fool out of myself.
Thus ends this week’s reflection. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 51

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I returned home from Africa, I spent the night in my tree house. Fortunately I did not get motion sickness from being up too high. I’ve been in other tree houses but there’s something different about my tree house; it doesn’t make me sick. The next morning I decided to go for a walk. On top of my fence. I walked completely around my yard…before I fell into my neighbor’s pool. This is not the empty pool, this is the one on the other side, Mr. McKnight’s pool. I floated on my back for a while - fat floats you know - before Mr. McKnight came out and saw me. Let’s just say he’s not a happy man. As soon as I saw him I turned over and pretended to be floating dead. The water muffled his cursing. He fished me out with his net. He expressed some glee at seeing it was me. I pretended to be dead for a little while, right up until he phoned all his friends and put me in a coffin. I sat up and looked around, but his back was turned, so I decided to play along a little bit longer. I’ve always wanted to attend my own funeral. The last funeral I’ve been to was my mother’s – God rest her soul. When the guests started to arrive, I was pleased not to see a dry eye. But I think they were laughing, not crying. This time when I sat up, I stood up. Then I promptly fell out of my coffin. The room was silent. And then I heard a voice from the tomb, “I might still be able to get my money back for the beer.” Mr. McKnight worries too much about finances. The crowds left. And I went home. Alone. And I had a party! A living party. I borrowed my neighbor’s pool. It was little Timmy’s from across the street, one of those one foot deep, round blow up pools.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 50

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Africa. Somewhere in Africa. It’s hot here. I’m hot here. At least the natives think I’m hot…for a 52 year old balding white guy from America. I think its supposed to be a compliment. I was staying in a grass hut made of…grass. They had lots of interesting types of food, too. Like chicken-soup, made with goat. And pork broth, made with chicken. Every evening, the whole tribe gathered around the camp-fire and danced and sang songs, and sprinkled powder over me. It was some type of honorary new-comers thing. They kept on feeding me lots and lots of food. Lots of cornbread made of rice. Huge hunks of wild boar, made of domesticated pigs. I stuffed my face every night, and they continued to sprinkle white powder on me. One day they brought out a huge black pot, big enough to fit Elvis in it. As they danced around the pot, they poured water in it. Then they showed me a cool hut, in which there were several strikingly beautiful females who gave me a massage. After that, they invited me to come sit in an honorary place – above the great big black pot full of boiling hot water. I could tell it was reserved for very important people only. Then as I sat in my throne, I enjoyed watching a game of ball, played by the young children. I couldn’t quite grasp the purpose of this game, but it seemed they were aiming for this little round target, down to my right, which was connected to the bottom of my chair. One of the boys hit the target. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the boiling pot. Then I realized it was just a fun way of getting me into a Jacuzzi! Then, because the vents apparently weren’t working, they took two large wooden spoons and spun me around. I could have sat there for hours. In fact I did. It was very nice and warm. I couldn’t quite understand the looks on the faces of the natives, when I stood up and got out of the pot. Had they never seen a duct tape suit before? I had been wearing it underneath my clothes, which had boiled off. The natives all dropped on their hands and knees and started singing something in some strange language I couldn’t understand. As I walked towards the edge of the village, I raised my arms and said in a loud voice, “Thank you for the food and the Jacuzzi!” They all shuddered and ran. I never understand strange natives, except for the blond-haired one. In Fiji.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 49

Reflections of the life and times of Mr. Smith. I got a call from a friend of mine in Africa. Surprised I could hear him? You shouldn’t be. He has a very loud voice. I decided to change my normal ways and bought a ticket. Then I hopped on a plane. Normally I leave out that ticket buying part. Unfortunately, my plane crashed. I paused and reflected on life and realized, this seems to happen to me a lot. It must be something with me and plane rides. But then after all, a famous person once said, “What’s life without a plane crash?” Don’t ask me who said it; he must not be as famous as I thought. As is common with plane crashes, I survived. And fortunately, we crashed right in front of the runway in Africa, so I only had a little ways to walk. My friend had a car waiting for me, and I was driven to his house. But on the way, I was driven to insanity. The driver wouldn’t stop singing with the radio. I think he thought he was Elvis or something, he kept singing about a hunk of love. When I arrived at my friend’s house, I asked him why he called me. He said “Mr. Smith, I need your help. I need to decide, should I eat banana or mango with my lunch today?” I paused and reflected on banana and mango, and realized, I had flown half way across the world to answer this question. So I said “You should eat both.” He said thanks. But he didn’t offer me any. I guess I should have had him leave one of the choices for me.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 48

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Its game day. Someone gave me tickets to a Cardinals game. Not just any old game, it’s the game that’s today. Who are they playing? Who cares it’s the Cardinals!

I hopped in my car and I went far.
I slipped on a soap bar.
I got a sandwich, grilled. Char,
that is. On the way to the game, I picked up a dame.
I don’t know her name. I’m kinda lame.
When I got there, I took my chair.
A ball went fair. I couldn’t see for the glare.
The runner came home.
We weren’t under a dome.
I saw a man playing a trombone.
He wasn’t alone.
The Cardinals had scored.
But then rain poured.
In a delay I got bored.
I prayed to the Lord,
please let the Cardinals win!
I was poked by a pin.
That was a sin.
The game started again.
The Cardinals kept on winning.
Someone kept on sinning.
It was just the beginning
of the ninth inning.
Pujols hit it hard.
It went out of the yard.
It landed in the lap of a bard,
eating a can of lard.
The game was at an end.
I drove round the bend.
I was left to fend
for myself, because it’s the end.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 47

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I do my own designing. I designed my house, I design my clothes, I even designed my own boat once. Just the other day I decided to design my own tree house. Whenever you start designing a tree house, you have to start with the basics. The most important of these is the tree. So I read up on the internet on the strongest types of trees and decided that pine was the way to go. So I went to the store and bought some pine and planted it in my backyard.

That’s when I discovered, trees take a long time to grow. So I decided to go with a tree that was already grown. Unfortunately, my backyard has no trees. But my neighbor’s does. It sits right next to my fence. Sometimes the leaves fall into my backyard, which makes me rather angry, because it’s never enough to make a good leaf pile, just enough to tease you. So, that night, I snuck outside and moved my fence to the other side of the tree, thus extending my yard.So, with the most important piece in place, I commenced to designing my tree house. This is my tree house:

Unfortunately, I made a few minor math errors, and it ended up looking like this:

Oh well. If people complain, I can always move my fence back and say it’s on my neighbor’s property.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

[images copyright Mr. Smith 2009]

750ad7ec-642a-4d3b-9ebc-119b19300586

1.03.01

Episode 46

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. As I walked into the restaurant, a fancy dressed gentleman came up to me and said something I could not understand. I asked him to repeat himself. Again, he spoke something in that nasally tone I could not understand. I made signs with my hands, trying to communicate, trying to tell him I wanted a pet lobster. Apparently he thought I was choking, because he called 911. While he was busy I slipped into the back. There I was facing a glass case, full of lovely lobsters. I wanted one. I needed one. I had to have a lobster! Looking around I searched for a way of retrieving a lobster. Finally in the corner I spotted a step ladder. I leaned it up against the case. I ascended on high. As I reached down, to grab a lobster, I leaned farther and farther, and suddenly there was a loud noise, and in rushed a paramedic team. They slammed into my ladder and sent me flying. The world shifted into slow motion. I felt myself falling to what appeared to be my doom. I fell head first into the tank. As I sank to the bottom, the lobsters attacked me and bit into my flesh. I wanted to scream, but when I opened my mouth, only water and lobster claws rushed in. Suddenly a human hand reached down and pulled me out of the water. I had been saved by the paramedics who had been called to save a choking man, whom they never found.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 45

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to go to the pet store. I wanted to buy a pet. And I assumed the Pet Store was called the Pet Store because you buy pets there. Little did I know that the pet store I was going to was not your typical pet store. As I walked in the door a young lady walked up to me and asked “what have you got to sell?” Apparently this was the kind of pet store where you sell pets, not buy them. I didn’t have any pets on me, so I told her I’d come back later. I continued walking down the street in my search for a pet. I saw a goldfish swimming in a pool in a pothole in the road. The light shimmered as it glinted off the fish. Mesmerized, I stepped towards it. Suddenly a bus zoomed by. Its wheel hit the pothole and the fish was squashed flat. I shed a tear for that fish that day. Alas, it was not to be my pet. So I continued walking down the street. I passed by a fancy restaurant, I saw a display of many lovely looking lobsters. I decided to go see if I could buy a pet lobster.
Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 44

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I was especially hot. And I’m not talking about the weather. Okay, I guess I am. I decided to go to the pool. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered, what is “the pool”? Which pool is it? Should I go to my neighborhood pool? Go to my neighbor’s pool? Go to my pool in my dollhouse? I decided to go to the pool in my dollhouse. I know what you’re thinking. It is a little weird for a grown man to have a dollhouse. It was given to me by my dearly departed mother. Unfortunately, this pool was rather small. I stepped in one toe at a time. Then my big toe got stuck. Then I decided that I was still hot. So I went to my neighbor’s pool. I hopped over his fence and ran and dove down next to his bushes. I popped my head up and looked around. There was no one to be seen, so I jumped into the water. Unfortunately, there was no water to be seen. I forgot he was cleaning his pool. So there I was, stuck at the bottom of an empty pool. Let me give you his pool’s dimensions. Roughly 20 feet long, 15 feet wide and 20 feet deep. There is no shallow end. As I sat in the pool, I wondered, would I ever escape alive. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized I was not alone. I brought my rubber ducky!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 43

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to clean my attic. The first step to cleaning the attic, is to get in the attic. This is rather difficult for my attic, being as the attic is disconnected from the house. I know this sounds strange, but there is literally a floor between us. You might call it, the attic’s attic. First, I had to find a ladder. I borrowed my neighbor’s. I don’t think he knew, but that’s okay. When I finally got the ladder into the house, I situated it under the trap door that leads to the first attic’s attic. I know this sounds strange, because it is.
This is my house:

These are my attics:

This is me, getting from my second floor through the tunnel that lead's to the attic's attic:

This is me in the attic's attic. Now I can go through the trap door into the regular attic.

So you see, it is very hard to move anything from the attic, because you have to go through the attic's attic, into the tunnel, and into the house. And it is very hard to move anything from the house into the attic, because you have to go through the tunnel, into the attic's attic, and into the attic. I never cleaned my attic. I got too tired of crawling through tunnels. Whoever designed this house was an idiot. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, I did my own designing. Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeard.

[images copyright Mr.Smith 2009]

Episode 42

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Space…the final frontier. It has been a long time since I have been there. In fact I had never been there. This should change, thus sayeth the Lord. Mr. Smith, that is. After unpacking from my extensive trip, I set about to building a rocket. I went down to my basement, tinkered around with a few things, and finally, after about a month, finished it. A rocket. Unfortunately, it was only the scale model. Then I paused and realized, if it took me a month to make a model at a scale 1 to 100, it would take me a hundred months to create the real thing. So I decided, if I couldn’t go to space, I would send the next best thing – a picture of me. I carried my model rocket into my backyard. I stood it on its point. Then I looked at it and realized, there was definitely something wrong. I put it on its side. I placed the picture of myself in the capsule. I lit the fuse. I stepped back. The rocket exploded. I stepped even further back. I landed on my rear end, in the siding of my neighbor’s house. After I finally worked my way loose, I decided I would need a bigger rocket. So I made another one, at a scale of 1 to 101. After a month and a day of work, it was completed. I looked around in my photo albums for a better one of myself. I decided to send the one of me dressed as Elvis into space. I took my rocket out into my backyard, but I didn’t really have one anymore, it was just a crater. So I decided to launch it in my neighbor’s backyard. This time I placed the rocket with its point facing up. I lit a match. It lit the fuse. The fuse burned down. The rocket burned up. When I awoke, I saw its smoke trail leading up into the sky. It was a success. Or so I thought, until I heard on the radio, about a jumbo jet being hit by a rocket piloted by Elvis.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 41

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I, Mr. Smith, battered and bruised, black and bloody, I…needed to go home. Home is where the hurt is. I mean…the heart. There I was in Alaska. I knew I needed to go home. Wait…I already covered that. I started walking south. After I had been walking for what seemed like minutes (because it was) I bumped into something white and soft. It was the rear end of a polar bear! The camera zoomed out and I saw a humongous heard of polar bears blocking my path! And I pondered, why do polar bears travel in herds? In fact, I don’t think they do. Then I paused and reflected on life and how much these polar bears resembled sheep. I decided to brave the sheep and walk through. On the other side was portal to Kansas, otherwise known as a tornado. I took one step, then two, then three, then five. I skipped over four because there was some sheep doo. After I had waded through the sea of sheep, I looked back on the herd, I realized it was very small. Suddenly my hair stood on end and I was sucked up into the portal. The land around me went dark. When I opened my eyes again, I was back home, in Kansas. I looked down at my little dog and said, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Alaska anymore!” Then I realized, I didn’t have a dog. And its name wasn’t Toto. In front of me, I saw my house – nothing like the sweet smell of home. Then I gagged, and realized there was nothing sweet about it. The septic tank had exploded.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 40

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was, freezing my proverbial tail off. My whole life flashed before my eyes. Was this the end of Mr. Smith? I paused and reflected on life as I stared at rafters in the cold damp barn. And I wondered, do pigeons live in Alaska? And I saw on the rafters, a rare white Alaskan pigeon, known for its large amounts of excrement. It was as if I saw into the future – something wet and slimy was on my face. In slow motion I saw bird poop coming down from the rafters. I twisted to the side and rolled over into a pile of eggs. My vision had come true. Something slimy was indeed on my face. And the pigeon said “In yo face!” And I paused and reflected on the merits of talking to pigeons. I realized, pigeons don’t talk. Suddenly a middle aged woman jumped from the rafters and landed in front of me. She said “howdy, partner!” She stuck out her hand; “put it there, partner!”
“Are you a cowboy?” I asked.
“After failing to win the vice-president election, I decided to become an Alaskan cow-girl and herd polar bears.”
Then I paused and reflected on the merits of herding polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating cows. Then I said, “I’m hungry ma’am. Do you have any slop around here?” She said “What’s that on your face?” And I said “Yo’ mama!” Then I paused, and reflected on the merits of yo’ mama jokes and realized, I was entirely out of line. Next thing I knew I was lying on my back in the cold snow. I paused and reflected on the merits of black eyes. And I realized, there are no merits. There may be a Boy Scout badge, though. Why, why had I insulted her mama? Polar bear might have actually tasted good.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 39

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning when I woke up and stared the ceiling and realized I had no idea where I was, I decided it was time to go home. I hopped on the nearest plane and we took off down the runway. Too bad I didn’t check to see where the nearest plane was going to. When we arrived at our destination, I was standing in the middle of a sea of snow. I turned around, but the airplane had already taken off without me. The wind whispered to me – “Smith, I am your father!” I cried a mournful wail “NOOOOOOOOO!” I was in Alaska. Cold wind whipped around my summer shorts and Hawaiian t-shirt. I shivered. My teeth chattered together. I shivered again. My teeth were almost as loud as the wind chimes hanging from a nearby warehouse. I started towards the shelter. My feet sunk deep into the snow. Every step seemed to turn my blood cold within me. Every step, my sandals kept getting lost in the snow. When finally I reached the warehouse door, I was pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked. I wandered in out of the snow and fell instantly to sleep on the ground.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 38

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The next day I was led upstairs by the same geeky looking boy. I sat on a couch and awaited my doom. After a lengthy interview by Miley’s father (and herself) they seemed to come to a conclusion about my sanity. They surmised, by looking at a recent psych ward record, no one would believe me if I told them she was bald. They let me loose that day. I never found out what happened to the old lady and young girl. I tried to go to the police, but they all seemed to be in love with Hannah Montana. No one would believe me, just as they said. Dejected, I turned my face towards the future and realized, I was better off forgetting the whole experience. And you should too. And that’s an order by Hannah Montana. After this incident (which we shall not mention again) I roamed the streets of Hollywood, observing people as they passed (gas that is.) People are the same here as they are in Kansas. Every third person or so seemed to be famous. At least they thought they were. They kept asking if I wanted their autograph. I said no, would you like mine? Finally I got wise and to the next person who asked me if I wanted their autograph, I said, “yes, on a check.” I made off with quite a sum of money. Thanks, Johnny Depp. I’m forever in your debt. Rather, you’re forever in my debt.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 37

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. When I awoke (I seem to do a lot of that) I was in what appeared to be a basement. Two other people were there with me. A young girl and an old lady. I asked them where I was. The girl explained through teary eyes, it was an asylum for those who found out Hannah Montana/Miley Stuarts secret. She was bald. “How long do I have to stay here?” I asked. The granny looked at me and said “when I found out, I was a still little girl.” I groaned in agony. In excruciating pain, I groaned. I was very hungry. I hollered out “JESSIE!” No one came. Then I hollered out “GEORGE! HARRY!” The old woman and the young girl looked at me and asked “what are you doing?” Then I paused, and reflected on life. And I sat, and wondered, what was I doing? At that point I suddenly saw a reason to live. I had to let the media know about Hannah/Miley’s bald head. I scanned my surroundings, searching for something, anything that could aid my escape. I was in a square room with no windows and only one visible door. A cot was in a corner with only one pillow. A poster of Hannah Montana adorned the wall to my right. The wall on the left had a picture of Miley Stuart. The two seemed to stare at me, their eyeballs twitching, moving, observing my every move. I stood up and screamed “I’ve got to get out of here!” Quick as a flash a bat swooped down from the ceiling and stole my hat. Suddenly I realized, I had no hat, and I was bald.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 36

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I found a cheap car in Las Vegas. I drove into California that same morning, still mourning my loss of a million dollars. After spending a few hours stuck in traffic, I finally realized my car was useless here. So next time I saw a speeding motor cycle heading down the center line of the highway, next to all our idling cars, I flung open my door at the last second. I called 911, but dialed 411 by accident. So I decided just to leave the poor dude lying in the street. His bike made much better time than my car. I arrived in LA in only a few minutes. Then I paused and I reflected on life, and I sat and pondered my situation. And I realized I had done it. I had arrived in California, and I had no idea why, or what to do next. My money was spent. My time was fleeting, flying away. My neighbor’s cat was scratching to get back in. As I sat on that park bench I had a revelation. The world shifted into slow motion and I saw golden locks of blond hair with the sunlight behind her head. It was…Hannah Montana. Ah, Hannah. Montana. Nebraska. Furniture Mart. Wal-Mart. Marty McFly. Fly Paper. Newspaper. Concert Ads. Hannah Montana….Nebraska. What was I thinking about? Ah yes, Hannah Montana. There she was, gliding down the side walk like a goddess. As if in slow motion, her high heel stuck between the cracks in the pavement. Slowly she fell. I could see bruised knees and skinned elbows in her near future. I lunged forward like Flash, like Hercules. I caught her. I was in love. She was in my arms. I closed my eyes. I sniffed in the fragrance of her hair. Her wig stuck to my nose. She screamed. She was bald as a baby’s bottom! But she reached into her bag and pulled out her brown wig and suddenly Hannah Montana was no more. I blinked for a second and she was gone, in her place was an average teenage girl name Miley Stuart. She hushed me and pulled me into the back of a limo. Then I paused and I reflected on life and I realized, she was one and the same – two girls – both bald. We screeched to a halt. After I got out of the limo, a short blond haired boy with a doofy smile shoved me into a chest. It was his dad’s chest.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared

Episode 35

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My hospital room was rather drab and dull. All my nurses were pregnant. Even the male ones. They were seahorses. My doctor told me I was hallucinating. He was pregnant too. They admitted me to a psych ward. After a few days of sitting around, asking as many questions as I could, I finally settled on my mode of escape – the garbage truck. I sealed myself in a plastic bag, put a banana peel on my head, and sat in a pile of trash. At the garbage dump, I found an old used car. It started up with no problem. But it didn’t go anywhere. So using some spit, wires, and some peanut brittle, I rigged together a makeshift go-cart. I was driving at high speeds on the dirt path. Driving towards California again. No one could stop me. No pregnant nurse. No crazed doctor. Not even the garbage man, who raised an eyebrow and said “Another one!?” Once I got onto the highway, I headed towards Utah. Upon reaching the Grand Canyon, I looked in vain for Paul Bunyan and his big Blue Ox. And his big metal axe which carved the great Grand Canyon. I rented an Indian guide by the name of Jose and he led me down the center of the canyon. We followed it into Arizona. After travelling for days without a shower, I finally checked into a hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I bought a nice pair of clothes and threw the dirty psycho garments away. I paid Jose with a lottery ticket I bought. I found out later that he won a million dollars.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 34

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lost in the Rockies. I was stumbling along what seemed to be a path. Then I ran into a tree. Apparently it wasn’t a path. I paused and reflected on the bump on my forehead. And then I stood and wondered, should I go around the right side of the tree or the left side? Quickly I took a glance around the right side. Then on the left. My observations confirmed my suspicion – I would have to climb over the tree. It’s more fun that way. I shimmied up the tree and not a moment too soon. Snakes were snapping furiously at my heels. There I was stuck in a tree, swarms of snakes slithered around the slimy soil as I spat my saliva at the sappy sand. “Why did it have to be snakes?” I exclaimed. I started to climb higher. I spent the night in the tree. I only fell out once. Fortunately, I was not bitten by any snakes when I landed on the cold hard ground. When morning came the sun, piercing through the trees, startled the snakes, and they fled the scene. I started walking again through the woods. To deal with my boredom, I decided to turn left at every third tree. I think I started going in circles. Finally after what seemed like days, in fact it was. I stumbled across something that seemed slightly similar to a road. It was. Then something stumbled across me. It was a truck. When I awoke, I was in an ambulance and I was headed back to civilization.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 33

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I continued on my journey toward California. I was in the mountains of Colorado. My brakes were not working and my car was stalling after every hill. Danger lurked everywhere. On a 180 degree turn, I knew there was no hope. So I opened my sunroof, and pulled my parachute string. The car fell toward depths of the rocky terrain of the Rocky Mountains. My parachute had not opened. I was turning as I fell. I was falling like a fish out of water. Like a bird in the water. My cries for help were torn from my lips by the violent air. They descended on no man’s ear. With a jolt I landed on the top of a hot air balloon. I started to slide down towards the basket. The basket swayed beneath me, being tossed back and forth like a plaything by the wind. I saw a face staring up at me. It was unshaven with a graying beard. I managed to hit the basket. I clung to the side with all my strength. Suddenly, weak frail hands grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the basket. An old man sat there, panting. I said “thank you.” He just turned his head and he died. The poor man had overexerted himself, and I was left alone in a hot air balloon in the Colorado Rockies with not a clue how to handle one of those balloons. From my perch high in the sky I saw a fireball ascending on high. It came from what was left of my car (which was not at all.) My stomach growled. I was hungry. I needed my feet to be on firm ground again. Slowly the balloon sank lower, lower. The trees started brushing past the basket. Their needles poked my cheek. I reached out and grabbed the top of a pine tree, trying to stop the balloon from moving. Instead, the balloon kept moving and I stayed there. The tall tree started to bend. I sank to the ground, and as my feet touched, I let go of the tree. I saw it fling up into the sky, and smack into the balloon, popping it instantly. As the carnage rained down, I looked around and wondered, how far was I from civilization?
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 32

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I had been driving for what seemed like years (but obviously wasn’t) the ground beneath my tires started going up. Soon I was driving through the mountains of Colorado. The scenery was breathtaking. The lack of oxygen was too. My car stalled after every hill. Fortunately, it was right after I made it over the top so I just coasted down. Then my brakes stopped working. I had a hard time not flying off the corner of a cliff or two. Then I paused and reflected on life. And I pondered why, why do we not have parachutes in cars? I managed to stop at the next filling station. I asked a man behind the counter, “Do you have any parachutes?” And he said “go fish.” And I paused, and I wondered, what does fishing have to do with parachutes? He just stared at me. People seem to do that a lot. I quickly pulled out my compact mirror and checked my nostril hairs. I couldn’t find the problem, so I continued our conversation. At least I would have if he hadn’t already walked away. I followed him into the back of the store. We passed shelves upon shelves of canned goods and various other items. Everything was alphabetized in large crates. Finally we arrived in the aisle that said “airplane supplies.” He pulled a cardboard box about 6 feet by 4 off of a shelve 20 feet high. I commented “you have very long arms.” He just stared at me. He pulled out a parachute and handed it to me. I said “gee thanks, does it work?” He said “no comment.”
“That’s good enough for me.” I replied. We settled on a price after I did a lot of bargaining. He wanted to give it to me for only 25 dollars, but I told him it was worth much more than that to me. So I paid him 26. After I got my car started again, with my trusty parachute strapped to my back, I continued on my adventure.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 31

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was at an abandoned farm house in the middle of Kansas. Or was it abandoned? The door had not opened. So I walked around to a window. I peered through the dim glass. My nose left a small smudge on it. I stepped back and kicked in the glass .My foot hurt. A lot. I heard a scream. And I ran into the house. There was an old lady, sitting next to the fireplace in a rocking chair, screaming her head off. I asked her what was wrong, but she just kept screaming. I tried to calm her down by patting her on the head. She screamed she wished she was dead. Finally I gave up and sat down. Surprisingly she stopped screaming. I asked her what was wrong, and she sobbed “I thought you were trying to rob me!” I explained how I was a traveler just looking for a place to spend the night. She said I could sleep in the barn. I apologized for the broken window. She said I could fix it in the morning. I stumbled out into the dark night. I followed a rope that was strung between the house and the barn. I laid down on what looked like a small bed. I think it was a feeding trough. In the morning, I woke to the smell of farm life. The old lady was standing around tossing chicken feed to the cows. I asked her what she was doing. She just stared at me. And I thought I was weird. She invited me in for breakfast. We had some fried chicken, boiled in elephant gizzards (whatever that is.) I nailed plywood over her broken window and gave her enough money to pay for a new one. After apologizing profusely, she told me to just leave. I got in my car, and I went far.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 30

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was travelling on the road in a car that can go far. In a jeep, beep beep beep. I was travelling down the interstate, in a state of boredom, in the state of Kansas. As I drove I counted cows, first on the right, then on the left. I stopped when I reached 10,000. And I paused and reflected on life, and realized, that is a lot of cows. After a while I noticed the cow’s routines were changing. Instead of just standing on four legs and chewing their cud, they were standing on two legs and spitting out mud. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and realized, these cows were actually farmers chewing tobacco. It was getting dark now. The sun was sinking behind the slimy horizon. It was slimy because of the spitting farmers. I decided I needed to stop for the night. So I started looking for a place to stay, when I spotted a barn full of hay. I asked if the chickens wanted to play. They said “no way!” So I continued to drive for a while. After a mile, I spotted a pile. Of hay bales. As I rounded the corner, I realized there was a farm house behind the bales. I drove off the parkway and parked on the driveway. I hopped out of my car and walked up to the house. After knocking on the door I awaited an answer. None was forthcoming. I shouted “Is anybody home?” And all I heard was a small “no!” I started to tremble. My knees shook and clashed. My teeth started to gnash. I reached for the door handle. Slowly I turned it. The door…didn’t open. And a ghost didn’t pop out at me. I was disappointed.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 29

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. To get to California first you must know where it is so I paused and looked at my trusty globe which I carry everywhere. After studying the globe for what seemed like hours, in fact it was hours, I discovered I don’t know how to read a globe. Instead I just followed my gut. It led me to the nearest Chick-fil- A. I walked into the restaurant and waltzed up to the counter. I got a bunch of strange looks for that. I talked to a girl behind the counter but she couldn’t tell me how to get to California. I sat and I paused and pondered my situation. Then I reflected on the merits of just picking any old direction and hitting the road. As I was pondering a manager came up to me. “You can’t sit there sir.” he said. I asked him why not, but he just stared at me. I guessed that he didn’t like that I was wearing my shoes. So I took them off. He still didn’t look happy, “Sir, please get off our front counter.” he said, with a stern expression on his face. I hopped right off the counter, then I paused and reflected on life and wondered, why is broccoli is green? Would more children eat it if it where red? Then I said, “Jason,” for that was what his name tag read “I am looking for California, can you tell me how to get there?” he just stared at me for a while, then said “Go west, old man.” I thanked him and left the building as it was. I was already in my car before I remembered that I had forgotten to remember to eat anything. Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 28

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Ah the time has come to travel again. I think I will go on a road trip. I started my trip by getting in my car and driving it out of my flower garden. It didn’t go very far. The car that is. It had no wheels, and was resting on four old cinder blocks. Then I paused and pondered, I sat and wondered, what had happened to my wheels? Then I remembered that this was an old car I had found for just a buck at a yard sale. I opened the door and hopped out of the car, trying not to crush any of my flowers. I went to my garage and got in my real car. After backing out of the garage I paused and reflected on life and I asked myself, why, why, did I not open the garage door before backing out? I started to drive down the street when I paused and reflected on life and I pondered where I was going to go on my road trip. When suddenly I knew California was the place for me. So I loaded up my truck and I moved to Beverley, hills that is. Ok so I didn’t move, but that’s how the song goes.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 27

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk, down my stairs. It was a long journey. It took me many minutes. I kept pausing and reflecting on life. And I pondered why, why I ask you, why do I have thirteen steps in my house? I continued my walk. I went out the door. I stumbled down four more. Steps, that is. Then I paused and reflected on life and wondered why, why I ask you, do I have four more steps outside my door? I walked down the street. I looked for a seat. I yawned and sat down. On the only bench in town. As I sat there, I observed people as they passed. Gas, that is. One old lady stumbled past. She looked blind as the bat she carried over her shoulder. I stood to offer her a hand. She smashed mine with the bat. Then I spotted my girlfriend walking down the street. Good old Chelsea. I hollered out “Chelsea!” She snorted and walked the other way. She must have been having a bad day. I’ll have to send her flowers and chocolate. I’ll put them on her tombstone. She had a tombstone made for herself, when she tried to tell me she had died. I never did figure out why she told me she had died. I spent the rest of that day sitting on that bench observing people. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered why, why had I spent the whole way sitting on a park bench. Then I realized, if I was sitting, there was no weight on my feet. I wonder if I can float to the moon.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 26

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I drank so much water I felt like I had drunk a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I drank so much fish I grew gills. But then I paused and reflected on life and realized, there were no liver or fish in the water I had consumed. I knew then and there I had to get home. And I knew that home was home, on the range. Where the deer and the antel…never mind. I pulled out my superman watch, pushed a button, and waited. Soon I saw the incredible guy himself, flying towards me. He landed and a huge shockwave of sand sprayed around me. I said: “Thanks for getting here so fast, [name removed for privacy purposes.].” He replied: “Shh!My name’s Superman."
“Will you give a guy a ride?” I asked.
He said, “Sure, hop on my back!”
Away we zoomed up into the sky. Way, way high. We landed at home, next to the dome, on a bed of foam. I pulled out my comb, and I ran it through my hair. And he asked if I’d share. I said, “Of course, big bear.” And he said “Why are you talking like this?” And I said, “Because it’s fun.” He said, "I’d like some rum.” And away he flew. I stepped of the foam, and into some doo. My adventure had ended. I sure had some fun. But you know, next time I imagine a story like this, I’ll leave it at flying with Superman, and forget the whole Egypt bit.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 25

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Egypt. There I was, in Egypt. I was by the Sphinx. It stinks; I wanted to be by the airport. I began to walk, and as I walked, I reflected on heat. The sun is very hot. I tend to think I am very hot as well, but the ladies don’t seem to think so. I walked, and I walked, through the dry, dry desert. And I wished for some dessert. I really wished for some water. There was water nowhere to be found. Nowhere to be found was water. Water to be found. No water…water…maybe…a bath…or a waterfall. A waterfall, hey! There, up on the hill I saw…a port-a-potty. I rushed towards the john. I was almost there when suddenly…it was gone. I had heard of this happening before, my friend Mirage told me about it. It’s supposed to be called a mirage. Sighing, I turned and continued through the desert. No water, and no place to go to the bathroom. And then I paused and reflected on mirages. Then, up in the distance, I saw another. (a mirage that is) It was a puddle the size of a pond. The color of glass, with a consistency of…water, or I would hope. I ran, then I shifted into maximum overdrive, and I ran faster. I was afraid the pool would disappear if I didn’t make it fast enough. I got ready to dive into the water, when a shot rang out! I stiffened, and fell into the water. I pretended to play dead hoping that whoever had fired the shot would think I was kilt. But I forgot, I didn’t know how to swim. Suddenly, a bird fell out of the sky. It croaked: “I’ve been shot!” as it fell into the water. I had not been shot, the bird had. And then I realized, I was in the water. And I drank the whole puddle dry.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappear.

Episode 24

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Last time, Mr. Smith was headed to Egypt when the plane was about to crash into the Sphinx. All the passengers left out of the rear exit. Mr. Smith was laying in the aisle trying to crawl to freedom: I had almost made it to the exit. My knees had buckled. I could not crawl with them very well. I was dragging myself along with my hands when suddenly I heard a cry. It was the pilot. He stepped on my head as he ran towards the exit. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto his ankle. He pulled me through and out the exit. I was saved. And then I looked down. Or up. I saw the ground rush to meet me. Or was I rushing to the ground? I pulled my parachute release string but didn’t have time. And then I paused and reflected on time. And realized, time was not very important, it’s what you do with your time. Thus expired Mr. Smith…Just kidding. Who would be writing this if I were dead? Well, I suppose George could, or Joe, but that's beside the point. Back to the story: I landed safely, after all, sand isn’t that hard. Okay, it hurt a lot. But I landed on top of my parachute. The pilot wasn’t so lucky. He landed on a pointy part of a pyramid. After a few painful moments, I stood up and admired the view. Egypt is a magnificent place. Now if only I had some water…I want to go home.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 23

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The time has come. Mr. Smith must leave. He must leave his house. He must leave his country. He must go…to Egypt.
It has been demanded by a poll on a website. The critics have spoken. Mr. Smith’s fans have decided. Mr. Smith will go to Egypt.
I hopped on a plane in the middle of a plain (which had a runway on it fortunately.) I was headed to Egypt. The plane reached its cruising altitude of some really big number which I didn’t wish to think about because I am terrified of heights. Suddenly a crackly voice came over the speaker. It was the pilot. It said, “This is your pilot talking! The captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign, so please, unfasten your seatbelts. We are about to encounter a giant floating Sphinx.” I looked out my window and saw to my horror the Sphinx hanging upside down from the sand. The Sand? We were upside down, I was upside down, the Sphinx was upside down, the plane was upside down! My dinner was upside down. I reached for my parachute and decided to smash out the window. But then I decided to use my head. It hurt a lot. I ran towards the emergency exit. I tripped on an old lady’s luggage strap that was sticking out in the aisle. They shouldn’t allow luggage straps on planes. I crawled towards the exit, but soon the other passengers were upon me. I was trampled as they ran towards the exit. Soon I was alone on the plane, and the Sphinx was about to get a new nose.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 22

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The other day I was walking down the street, when I paused and realized, I often start my days by walking down the street. Sometimes I wake up, walking down the street. My friendly psychiatrist, Mr. Brown, said I probably sleepwalk. I said, I probably don’t. He didn’t say anything, so I continued talking. He still didn’t say anything, so I stopped talking. I left him after that. What good is a person who doesn’t talk? Back to where I was walking – I was walking down the street. The street was where I was walking. Yes, the street. And then I reached the corner of the street, and the garden gate. As I reached the garden gate, I spotted a cute little puppy, squatting over a bush. And I paused and reflected on life, and puppies, and bushes. I bent down and kissed the little puppy right on his dear little nose. Suddenly - to my great horror – I realized I had fulfilled the old adage. “Never kiss by the garden gate/Love is blind/But the neighbors ain’t.” I stood up, quick as a flash, kicked the dog into the bush and whistled down the street. I glanced from window to window, expecting to see a face. And there, there was a face. It didn’t belong to Mace. It definitely wasn’t Chase. (Daniels, that is.) Then I remembered something. Most of my neighbors were blind. In mind and soul. Plus they couldn’t see out of their eyes. Then I paused, and corrected my grammar and said “they don’t got good eyes.” Then I paused and reflected on life. And I lamented the poor dog I had kicked. I went back to that bush, but I couldn’t find the dog, only a lump of yellow smog.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 21

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I work at Subway. At least I used to. The boss got a little bit angry. I tried to make a foot long, but it was a foot short instead, which means there was nothing there. It wasn’t my fault the boss ordered a foot long at that particular time of the day. At least he still got chips and a coke. Then I paused and reflected on life. And chips; buffalo chips. And who would eat buffalo chips? Maybe buffalos. And then I paused and reflected on buffalos. They sure are hairy things. Just like Aragorn’s kilt. Unfortunately, my boss fired me. I was standing a little too close to the stove, apparently. My shirttail caught on fire. When I realized it was a light, I ran out the door and grabbed for a bud light. Pouring it all over my seat, I sat down to eat. When I burst into flames, a whole bunch of dames stopped and stared. One of them grabbed a fire extinguisher and said “here!” and I said, “Where?” Needless to say, they really fired me then. Alas, I have no job. My mother would not be proud of me. And then I paused, and reflected on life. And decided, I didn’t really need a job. And I began to sob.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 20

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided I was hungry. That meant I needed to get something to eat. I was hungry for some nuggets and a large sweet tea. So I went to Chick-fil-a. And then I pondered on sewing machines, and why they make that horrible noise. Why can’t they just be quiet? It reminds me of my dear mother. It makes me miss her so. Chick-fil-a and sewing machines go so hand in hand together. She would sew my clothes with a mouth full of crunchy waffle fries. Tiny pieces of breaded nuggets would fall on my clothes. I wondered why they always smelled like Chick-fil-a. But hey…I got all day. It’s time to play. Oh by the way, I love Chick-fil-a. Oh, and you too mom. Have you ever played guitar hero? The best song there is is “Chick-fil-a” by Tim Hawkins. (Look it up on YouTube.) It’s too bad I work at Subway.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 19

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lying in peril, awaiting my doom – on the slopes of Mount Doom. Orcs all around me, trying to slay me. Aragorn on one side, Mace Windu on t’other. Up above a blue heron was flying to my rescue. On a cart with six wheels came Mario and Luigi – two Italian boys – and they smashed orcs left and right with their brand new Lego toys. But then I realized I was not helpless. I had my “orcs-away spray”. I pulled it out and started spraying. Like a skunk, it stunk, with an awful funk. And then came Michael Jordan, and he made a slam dunk. As I sprayed my spray on the head of an orc, it spun around and popped like a cork. I felt like a dork. The orcs were falling, they all started bawling. Suddenly I felt pity – pity, stayed my hand. And I yelled to my allies – stop! Stop! But it was too late – the orcs were all kilt around Aragorn’s waist. * The orcs were all dead. I sat on my head. I mourned their defeat. I don’t know why they were trying to kill me. I don’t know why I mourned them, that is. But then, with all those blood-thirsty men, strange cartoon characters and various birds, something was bound to happen. They would all turn on themselves, I knew it. Then in a heavenly chorus descended Chuck Norris. Then the Enterprise came out of the sky and squashed him flat. I was so happy; I hit his flat body with a bat. Then Aragorn charged at Mace Windu. And the blue heron dropped bombs on Mario and Luigi. Luigi whipped up a batch of spaghetti and launched meatballs into the sky. Again I yelled “Stop!” Again they did not listen. So I decided to employ my super power of the imagination shut-off button. And in a flash they all disappeared, leaving nothing but Gandalf’s beard.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. Then my mirror image disappeared.

*This means the orcs were all “killed” and then their skins were turned into an Scottish kilt, and Aragorn was wearing it.