Episode 43

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to clean my attic. The first step to cleaning the attic, is to get in the attic. This is rather difficult for my attic, being as the attic is disconnected from the house. I know this sounds strange, but there is literally a floor between us. You might call it, the attic’s attic. First, I had to find a ladder. I borrowed my neighbor’s. I don’t think he knew, but that’s okay. When I finally got the ladder into the house, I situated it under the trap door that leads to the first attic’s attic. I know this sounds strange, because it is.
This is my house:

These are my attics:

This is me, getting from my second floor through the tunnel that lead's to the attic's attic:

This is me in the attic's attic. Now I can go through the trap door into the regular attic.

So you see, it is very hard to move anything from the attic, because you have to go through the attic's attic, into the tunnel, and into the house. And it is very hard to move anything from the house into the attic, because you have to go through the tunnel, into the attic's attic, and into the attic. I never cleaned my attic. I got too tired of crawling through tunnels. Whoever designed this house was an idiot. Then I paused, and reflected on life and realized, I did my own designing. Thus ends this week's reflections. And then my mirror image disappeard.

[images copyright Mr.Smith 2009]

Episode 42

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Space…the final frontier. It has been a long time since I have been there. In fact I had never been there. This should change, thus sayeth the Lord. Mr. Smith, that is. After unpacking from my extensive trip, I set about to building a rocket. I went down to my basement, tinkered around with a few things, and finally, after about a month, finished it. A rocket. Unfortunately, it was only the scale model. Then I paused and realized, if it took me a month to make a model at a scale 1 to 100, it would take me a hundred months to create the real thing. So I decided, if I couldn’t go to space, I would send the next best thing – a picture of me. I carried my model rocket into my backyard. I stood it on its point. Then I looked at it and realized, there was definitely something wrong. I put it on its side. I placed the picture of myself in the capsule. I lit the fuse. I stepped back. The rocket exploded. I stepped even further back. I landed on my rear end, in the siding of my neighbor’s house. After I finally worked my way loose, I decided I would need a bigger rocket. So I made another one, at a scale of 1 to 101. After a month and a day of work, it was completed. I looked around in my photo albums for a better one of myself. I decided to send the one of me dressed as Elvis into space. I took my rocket out into my backyard, but I didn’t really have one anymore, it was just a crater. So I decided to launch it in my neighbor’s backyard. This time I placed the rocket with its point facing up. I lit a match. It lit the fuse. The fuse burned down. The rocket burned up. When I awoke, I saw its smoke trail leading up into the sky. It was a success. Or so I thought, until I heard on the radio, about a jumbo jet being hit by a rocket piloted by Elvis.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 41

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I, Mr. Smith, battered and bruised, black and bloody, I…needed to go home. Home is where the hurt is. I mean…the heart. There I was in Alaska. I knew I needed to go home. Wait…I already covered that. I started walking south. After I had been walking for what seemed like minutes (because it was) I bumped into something white and soft. It was the rear end of a polar bear! The camera zoomed out and I saw a humongous heard of polar bears blocking my path! And I pondered, why do polar bears travel in herds? In fact, I don’t think they do. Then I paused and reflected on life and how much these polar bears resembled sheep. I decided to brave the sheep and walk through. On the other side was portal to Kansas, otherwise known as a tornado. I took one step, then two, then three, then five. I skipped over four because there was some sheep doo. After I had waded through the sea of sheep, I looked back on the herd, I realized it was very small. Suddenly my hair stood on end and I was sucked up into the portal. The land around me went dark. When I opened my eyes again, I was back home, in Kansas. I looked down at my little dog and said, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Alaska anymore!” Then I realized, I didn’t have a dog. And its name wasn’t Toto. In front of me, I saw my house – nothing like the sweet smell of home. Then I gagged, and realized there was nothing sweet about it. The septic tank had exploded.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 40

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was, freezing my proverbial tail off. My whole life flashed before my eyes. Was this the end of Mr. Smith? I paused and reflected on life as I stared at rafters in the cold damp barn. And I wondered, do pigeons live in Alaska? And I saw on the rafters, a rare white Alaskan pigeon, known for its large amounts of excrement. It was as if I saw into the future – something wet and slimy was on my face. In slow motion I saw bird poop coming down from the rafters. I twisted to the side and rolled over into a pile of eggs. My vision had come true. Something slimy was indeed on my face. And the pigeon said “In yo face!” And I paused and reflected on the merits of talking to pigeons. I realized, pigeons don’t talk. Suddenly a middle aged woman jumped from the rafters and landed in front of me. She said “howdy, partner!” She stuck out her hand; “put it there, partner!”
“Are you a cowboy?” I asked.
“After failing to win the vice-president election, I decided to become an Alaskan cow-girl and herd polar bears.”
Then I paused and reflected on the merits of herding polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating polar bears. Then I paused and reflected on the merits of eating cows. Then I said, “I’m hungry ma’am. Do you have any slop around here?” She said “What’s that on your face?” And I said “Yo’ mama!” Then I paused, and reflected on the merits of yo’ mama jokes and realized, I was entirely out of line. Next thing I knew I was lying on my back in the cold snow. I paused and reflected on the merits of black eyes. And I realized, there are no merits. There may be a Boy Scout badge, though. Why, why had I insulted her mama? Polar bear might have actually tasted good.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 39

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning when I woke up and stared the ceiling and realized I had no idea where I was, I decided it was time to go home. I hopped on the nearest plane and we took off down the runway. Too bad I didn’t check to see where the nearest plane was going to. When we arrived at our destination, I was standing in the middle of a sea of snow. I turned around, but the airplane had already taken off without me. The wind whispered to me – “Smith, I am your father!” I cried a mournful wail “NOOOOOOOOO!” I was in Alaska. Cold wind whipped around my summer shorts and Hawaiian t-shirt. I shivered. My teeth chattered together. I shivered again. My teeth were almost as loud as the wind chimes hanging from a nearby warehouse. I started towards the shelter. My feet sunk deep into the snow. Every step seemed to turn my blood cold within me. Every step, my sandals kept getting lost in the snow. When finally I reached the warehouse door, I was pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked. I wandered in out of the snow and fell instantly to sleep on the ground.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.