Episode 38

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The next day I was led upstairs by the same geeky looking boy. I sat on a couch and awaited my doom. After a lengthy interview by Miley’s father (and herself) they seemed to come to a conclusion about my sanity. They surmised, by looking at a recent psych ward record, no one would believe me if I told them she was bald. They let me loose that day. I never found out what happened to the old lady and young girl. I tried to go to the police, but they all seemed to be in love with Hannah Montana. No one would believe me, just as they said. Dejected, I turned my face towards the future and realized, I was better off forgetting the whole experience. And you should too. And that’s an order by Hannah Montana. After this incident (which we shall not mention again) I roamed the streets of Hollywood, observing people as they passed (gas that is.) People are the same here as they are in Kansas. Every third person or so seemed to be famous. At least they thought they were. They kept asking if I wanted their autograph. I said no, would you like mine? Finally I got wise and to the next person who asked me if I wanted their autograph, I said, “yes, on a check.” I made off with quite a sum of money. Thanks, Johnny Depp. I’m forever in your debt. Rather, you’re forever in my debt.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 37

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. When I awoke (I seem to do a lot of that) I was in what appeared to be a basement. Two other people were there with me. A young girl and an old lady. I asked them where I was. The girl explained through teary eyes, it was an asylum for those who found out Hannah Montana/Miley Stuarts secret. She was bald. “How long do I have to stay here?” I asked. The granny looked at me and said “when I found out, I was a still little girl.” I groaned in agony. In excruciating pain, I groaned. I was very hungry. I hollered out “JESSIE!” No one came. Then I hollered out “GEORGE! HARRY!” The old woman and the young girl looked at me and asked “what are you doing?” Then I paused, and reflected on life. And I sat, and wondered, what was I doing? At that point I suddenly saw a reason to live. I had to let the media know about Hannah/Miley’s bald head. I scanned my surroundings, searching for something, anything that could aid my escape. I was in a square room with no windows and only one visible door. A cot was in a corner with only one pillow. A poster of Hannah Montana adorned the wall to my right. The wall on the left had a picture of Miley Stuart. The two seemed to stare at me, their eyeballs twitching, moving, observing my every move. I stood up and screamed “I’ve got to get out of here!” Quick as a flash a bat swooped down from the ceiling and stole my hat. Suddenly I realized, I had no hat, and I was bald.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 36

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I found a cheap car in Las Vegas. I drove into California that same morning, still mourning my loss of a million dollars. After spending a few hours stuck in traffic, I finally realized my car was useless here. So next time I saw a speeding motor cycle heading down the center line of the highway, next to all our idling cars, I flung open my door at the last second. I called 911, but dialed 411 by accident. So I decided just to leave the poor dude lying in the street. His bike made much better time than my car. I arrived in LA in only a few minutes. Then I paused and I reflected on life, and I sat and pondered my situation. And I realized I had done it. I had arrived in California, and I had no idea why, or what to do next. My money was spent. My time was fleeting, flying away. My neighbor’s cat was scratching to get back in. As I sat on that park bench I had a revelation. The world shifted into slow motion and I saw golden locks of blond hair with the sunlight behind her head. It was…Hannah Montana. Ah, Hannah. Montana. Nebraska. Furniture Mart. Wal-Mart. Marty McFly. Fly Paper. Newspaper. Concert Ads. Hannah Montana….Nebraska. What was I thinking about? Ah yes, Hannah Montana. There she was, gliding down the side walk like a goddess. As if in slow motion, her high heel stuck between the cracks in the pavement. Slowly she fell. I could see bruised knees and skinned elbows in her near future. I lunged forward like Flash, like Hercules. I caught her. I was in love. She was in my arms. I closed my eyes. I sniffed in the fragrance of her hair. Her wig stuck to my nose. She screamed. She was bald as a baby’s bottom! But she reached into her bag and pulled out her brown wig and suddenly Hannah Montana was no more. I blinked for a second and she was gone, in her place was an average teenage girl name Miley Stuart. She hushed me and pulled me into the back of a limo. Then I paused and I reflected on life and I realized, she was one and the same – two girls – both bald. We screeched to a halt. After I got out of the limo, a short blond haired boy with a doofy smile shoved me into a chest. It was his dad’s chest.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared

Episode 35

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My hospital room was rather drab and dull. All my nurses were pregnant. Even the male ones. They were seahorses. My doctor told me I was hallucinating. He was pregnant too. They admitted me to a psych ward. After a few days of sitting around, asking as many questions as I could, I finally settled on my mode of escape – the garbage truck. I sealed myself in a plastic bag, put a banana peel on my head, and sat in a pile of trash. At the garbage dump, I found an old used car. It started up with no problem. But it didn’t go anywhere. So using some spit, wires, and some peanut brittle, I rigged together a makeshift go-cart. I was driving at high speeds on the dirt path. Driving towards California again. No one could stop me. No pregnant nurse. No crazed doctor. Not even the garbage man, who raised an eyebrow and said “Another one!?” Once I got onto the highway, I headed towards Utah. Upon reaching the Grand Canyon, I looked in vain for Paul Bunyan and his big Blue Ox. And his big metal axe which carved the great Grand Canyon. I rented an Indian guide by the name of Jose and he led me down the center of the canyon. We followed it into Arizona. After travelling for days without a shower, I finally checked into a hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I bought a nice pair of clothes and threw the dirty psycho garments away. I paid Jose with a lottery ticket I bought. I found out later that he won a million dollars.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 34

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lost in the Rockies. I was stumbling along what seemed to be a path. Then I ran into a tree. Apparently it wasn’t a path. I paused and reflected on the bump on my forehead. And then I stood and wondered, should I go around the right side of the tree or the left side? Quickly I took a glance around the right side. Then on the left. My observations confirmed my suspicion – I would have to climb over the tree. It’s more fun that way. I shimmied up the tree and not a moment too soon. Snakes were snapping furiously at my heels. There I was stuck in a tree, swarms of snakes slithered around the slimy soil as I spat my saliva at the sappy sand. “Why did it have to be snakes?” I exclaimed. I started to climb higher. I spent the night in the tree. I only fell out once. Fortunately, I was not bitten by any snakes when I landed on the cold hard ground. When morning came the sun, piercing through the trees, startled the snakes, and they fled the scene. I started walking again through the woods. To deal with my boredom, I decided to turn left at every third tree. I think I started going in circles. Finally after what seemed like days, in fact it was. I stumbled across something that seemed slightly similar to a road. It was. Then something stumbled across me. It was a truck. When I awoke, I was in an ambulance and I was headed back to civilization.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 33

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I continued on my journey toward California. I was in the mountains of Colorado. My brakes were not working and my car was stalling after every hill. Danger lurked everywhere. On a 180 degree turn, I knew there was no hope. So I opened my sunroof, and pulled my parachute string. The car fell toward depths of the rocky terrain of the Rocky Mountains. My parachute had not opened. I was turning as I fell. I was falling like a fish out of water. Like a bird in the water. My cries for help were torn from my lips by the violent air. They descended on no man’s ear. With a jolt I landed on the top of a hot air balloon. I started to slide down towards the basket. The basket swayed beneath me, being tossed back and forth like a plaything by the wind. I saw a face staring up at me. It was unshaven with a graying beard. I managed to hit the basket. I clung to the side with all my strength. Suddenly, weak frail hands grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the basket. An old man sat there, panting. I said “thank you.” He just turned his head and he died. The poor man had overexerted himself, and I was left alone in a hot air balloon in the Colorado Rockies with not a clue how to handle one of those balloons. From my perch high in the sky I saw a fireball ascending on high. It came from what was left of my car (which was not at all.) My stomach growled. I was hungry. I needed my feet to be on firm ground again. Slowly the balloon sank lower, lower. The trees started brushing past the basket. Their needles poked my cheek. I reached out and grabbed the top of a pine tree, trying to stop the balloon from moving. Instead, the balloon kept moving and I stayed there. The tall tree started to bend. I sank to the ground, and as my feet touched, I let go of the tree. I saw it fling up into the sky, and smack into the balloon, popping it instantly. As the carnage rained down, I looked around and wondered, how far was I from civilization?
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 32

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. After I had been driving for what seemed like years (but obviously wasn’t) the ground beneath my tires started going up. Soon I was driving through the mountains of Colorado. The scenery was breathtaking. The lack of oxygen was too. My car stalled after every hill. Fortunately, it was right after I made it over the top so I just coasted down. Then my brakes stopped working. I had a hard time not flying off the corner of a cliff or two. Then I paused and reflected on life. And I pondered why, why do we not have parachutes in cars? I managed to stop at the next filling station. I asked a man behind the counter, “Do you have any parachutes?” And he said “go fish.” And I paused, and I wondered, what does fishing have to do with parachutes? He just stared at me. People seem to do that a lot. I quickly pulled out my compact mirror and checked my nostril hairs. I couldn’t find the problem, so I continued our conversation. At least I would have if he hadn’t already walked away. I followed him into the back of the store. We passed shelves upon shelves of canned goods and various other items. Everything was alphabetized in large crates. Finally we arrived in the aisle that said “airplane supplies.” He pulled a cardboard box about 6 feet by 4 off of a shelve 20 feet high. I commented “you have very long arms.” He just stared at me. He pulled out a parachute and handed it to me. I said “gee thanks, does it work?” He said “no comment.”
“That’s good enough for me.” I replied. We settled on a price after I did a lot of bargaining. He wanted to give it to me for only 25 dollars, but I told him it was worth much more than that to me. So I paid him 26. After I got my car started again, with my trusty parachute strapped to my back, I continued on my adventure.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 31

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was at an abandoned farm house in the middle of Kansas. Or was it abandoned? The door had not opened. So I walked around to a window. I peered through the dim glass. My nose left a small smudge on it. I stepped back and kicked in the glass .My foot hurt. A lot. I heard a scream. And I ran into the house. There was an old lady, sitting next to the fireplace in a rocking chair, screaming her head off. I asked her what was wrong, but she just kept screaming. I tried to calm her down by patting her on the head. She screamed she wished she was dead. Finally I gave up and sat down. Surprisingly she stopped screaming. I asked her what was wrong, and she sobbed “I thought you were trying to rob me!” I explained how I was a traveler just looking for a place to spend the night. She said I could sleep in the barn. I apologized for the broken window. She said I could fix it in the morning. I stumbled out into the dark night. I followed a rope that was strung between the house and the barn. I laid down on what looked like a small bed. I think it was a feeding trough. In the morning, I woke to the smell of farm life. The old lady was standing around tossing chicken feed to the cows. I asked her what she was doing. She just stared at me. And I thought I was weird. She invited me in for breakfast. We had some fried chicken, boiled in elephant gizzards (whatever that is.) I nailed plywood over her broken window and gave her enough money to pay for a new one. After apologizing profusely, she told me to just leave. I got in my car, and I went far.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 30

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was travelling on the road in a car that can go far. In a jeep, beep beep beep. I was travelling down the interstate, in a state of boredom, in the state of Kansas. As I drove I counted cows, first on the right, then on the left. I stopped when I reached 10,000. And I paused and reflected on life, and realized, that is a lot of cows. After a while I noticed the cow’s routines were changing. Instead of just standing on four legs and chewing their cud, they were standing on two legs and spitting out mud. Then I paused, and reflected on life, and realized, these cows were actually farmers chewing tobacco. It was getting dark now. The sun was sinking behind the slimy horizon. It was slimy because of the spitting farmers. I decided I needed to stop for the night. So I started looking for a place to stay, when I spotted a barn full of hay. I asked if the chickens wanted to play. They said “no way!” So I continued to drive for a while. After a mile, I spotted a pile. Of hay bales. As I rounded the corner, I realized there was a farm house behind the bales. I drove off the parkway and parked on the driveway. I hopped out of my car and walked up to the house. After knocking on the door I awaited an answer. None was forthcoming. I shouted “Is anybody home?” And all I heard was a small “no!” I started to tremble. My knees shook and clashed. My teeth started to gnash. I reached for the door handle. Slowly I turned it. The door…didn’t open. And a ghost didn’t pop out at me. I was disappointed.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 29

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. To get to California first you must know where it is so I paused and looked at my trusty globe which I carry everywhere. After studying the globe for what seemed like hours, in fact it was hours, I discovered I don’t know how to read a globe. Instead I just followed my gut. It led me to the nearest Chick-fil- A. I walked into the restaurant and waltzed up to the counter. I got a bunch of strange looks for that. I talked to a girl behind the counter but she couldn’t tell me how to get to California. I sat and I paused and pondered my situation. Then I reflected on the merits of just picking any old direction and hitting the road. As I was pondering a manager came up to me. “You can’t sit there sir.” he said. I asked him why not, but he just stared at me. I guessed that he didn’t like that I was wearing my shoes. So I took them off. He still didn’t look happy, “Sir, please get off our front counter.” he said, with a stern expression on his face. I hopped right off the counter, then I paused and reflected on life and wondered, why is broccoli is green? Would more children eat it if it where red? Then I said, “Jason,” for that was what his name tag read “I am looking for California, can you tell me how to get there?” he just stared at me for a while, then said “Go west, old man.” I thanked him and left the building as it was. I was already in my car before I remembered that I had forgotten to remember to eat anything. Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 28

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Ah the time has come to travel again. I think I will go on a road trip. I started my trip by getting in my car and driving it out of my flower garden. It didn’t go very far. The car that is. It had no wheels, and was resting on four old cinder blocks. Then I paused and pondered, I sat and wondered, what had happened to my wheels? Then I remembered that this was an old car I had found for just a buck at a yard sale. I opened the door and hopped out of the car, trying not to crush any of my flowers. I went to my garage and got in my real car. After backing out of the garage I paused and reflected on life and I asked myself, why, why, did I not open the garage door before backing out? I started to drive down the street when I paused and reflected on life and I pondered where I was going to go on my road trip. When suddenly I knew California was the place for me. So I loaded up my truck and I moved to Beverley, hills that is. Ok so I didn’t move, but that’s how the song goes.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.