Episode 20

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I decided I was hungry. That meant I needed to get something to eat. I was hungry for some nuggets and a large sweet tea. So I went to Chick-fil-a. And then I pondered on sewing machines, and why they make that horrible noise. Why can’t they just be quiet? It reminds me of my dear mother. It makes me miss her so. Chick-fil-a and sewing machines go so hand in hand together. She would sew my clothes with a mouth full of crunchy waffle fries. Tiny pieces of breaded nuggets would fall on my clothes. I wondered why they always smelled like Chick-fil-a. But hey…I got all day. It’s time to play. Oh by the way, I love Chick-fil-a. Oh, and you too mom. Have you ever played guitar hero? The best song there is is “Chick-fil-a” by Tim Hawkins. (Look it up on YouTube.) It’s too bad I work at Subway.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 19

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was lying in peril, awaiting my doom – on the slopes of Mount Doom. Orcs all around me, trying to slay me. Aragorn on one side, Mace Windu on t’other. Up above a blue heron was flying to my rescue. On a cart with six wheels came Mario and Luigi – two Italian boys – and they smashed orcs left and right with their brand new Lego toys. But then I realized I was not helpless. I had my “orcs-away spray”. I pulled it out and started spraying. Like a skunk, it stunk, with an awful funk. And then came Michael Jordan, and he made a slam dunk. As I sprayed my spray on the head of an orc, it spun around and popped like a cork. I felt like a dork. The orcs were falling, they all started bawling. Suddenly I felt pity – pity, stayed my hand. And I yelled to my allies – stop! Stop! But it was too late – the orcs were all kilt around Aragorn’s waist. * The orcs were all dead. I sat on my head. I mourned their defeat. I don’t know why they were trying to kill me. I don’t know why I mourned them, that is. But then, with all those blood-thirsty men, strange cartoon characters and various birds, something was bound to happen. They would all turn on themselves, I knew it. Then in a heavenly chorus descended Chuck Norris. Then the Enterprise came out of the sky and squashed him flat. I was so happy; I hit his flat body with a bat. Then Aragorn charged at Mace Windu. And the blue heron dropped bombs on Mario and Luigi. Luigi whipped up a batch of spaghetti and launched meatballs into the sky. Again I yelled “Stop!” Again they did not listen. So I decided to employ my super power of the imagination shut-off button. And in a flash they all disappeared, leaving nothing but Gandalf’s beard.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. Then my mirror image disappeared.

*This means the orcs were all “killed” and then their skins were turned into an Scottish kilt, and Aragorn was wearing it.

Episode 18

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Yesterday I was walking down a mountain side. But this was not just any old mountain side. This was Mount Doom. I said MOUNT DOOM. But, I didn’t not know what mountain it was, until after this small story has ended. Anyway, I was walking down the mountain and I saw two short people with furry feet and big bushy heads. Thinking it was my two best friends, Matthew and Josh, I called out “George and Harry!” They didn’t turn around. So I called out “Matthew and Josh!” In a rare moment of insight, I called out “Frodo and Sam!” The fat one turned around and said “look, Mr. Frodo! It’s a weirdo running down the mountain side with lava behind him!” At that I turned around and nearly died from fright. In fact I nearly died from lava. I hastened down the mountain side at a tremendous clip. In front of me, Frodo and Sam collapsed on a rock jutting out. I tried to reach them but I was swept away by a pool of lava. By a river of lava. Lucky I was wearing my duck-tape suit, which lava cannot penetrate. The last thing I saw before my head struck a rock was an eagle soaring out of the sky and picking up Frodo and Sam. Something unusual in movies, it faded to white. Sometime later, I woke with a fright. It was very warm. It was out of the norm. I felt reborn. And I saw Aragorn. He walked towards me, battling Orcs left and right. They fell off his sword, cut clean in two. Mountains of orcs piled up all over the place. Then suddenly, I saw Mace. Windu, that is. He was coming from the other direction. His light saber glaring and a siren was blaring. And then, up above, I saw a blue heron. “Look out below!” Was the cry from the sky. White pellets came raining, smashing orcs on high. (It rhymes with sky.) Who would reach me first? Who would save me? Find out next time on…
The life and times of Mr. Smith.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 17

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today is Halloween. That strange holiday, celebrating strange costumes and greedy little children. The one time of year – not counting Christmas – where you can be very, very greedy. I have not decided what costume I should wear yet…any suggestions? I think I will go as the all duck-tape man, maybe wrap myself up like a mummy with duck-tape. But last time I did that I got an awful rash and I lost all my hair. A couple years ago one of my friends suggested I dress up as a globe, he said that I wouldn’t even need to use any padding. I’m not sure I like that idea. As I wandered through the streets looking at all the other children’s costumes, trying to decide what I liked, night had already fallen, and people were handing out candy to greedy little fat children. I felt compelled to write a poem. And here is my poem:

I rounded a corner and lo and behold,
I saw Old Saint Nick, trembling and old.
He stared and he glared and he grumbled at me.
He stared so long I charged him a fee.
He stopped in his tracks.
He started to scream.
The world around me shifted,
As if in a dream.
And poor old Saint Nick, he turned and he fell.
And he didn’t stop falling till he landed in hell.
The moral to this story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
I’m not sure why, but it sounds kind of neat.

Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 16

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I decided to fly to China. So I strapped on my wings and stuck out my tail and took off from the roof of my house. I landed shortly thereafter, and I paused and reflected on the sidewalk, right before it came up and smacked me in the face. And everything went black. When I awoke, I felt as if I were in heaven. For leaning over me, was that face…that one true love of mine…the blond native had returned. She was beautiful. I was speechless. She was a little wrinkled. I didn’t care. I had found her at last. The music rises. I was lying on a hospital bed, in the middle of the city. And somehow she had come from Fiji, all the way to see me, or so I had assumed. But then I paused and reflected on this, and realized, she didn’t seem to recognize me. Perhaps it was because I was covered in bandages. We will assume that was the reason. Apparently I had been revived by true love’s kiss. Or so I assumed. That would be the only way I was not dead right now. For I realized, I could not fly.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 15

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I went for a walk on top of my fence. I didn’t fall off once. I fell off twice. My dear mother would be proud of me (God rest her soul.) One of those times I fell off my neighbor’s pool. Which is rather disgusting since it hasn’t been cleaned since he died. And his cat takes frequent swims in it. And of course I do too, at midnight. I love seeing the moon reflect off the water right before I jump in. And it made me pause and reflect on life…on the moon. And I then imagined what kind of strange little green aliens live on the moon and why I am not one of them. For I am defiantly not humankind, and am not mankind, and am not monkeykind…but I am not alienkind either. What am I? I am a reflection. A reflection of stupidity, for I am swimming in this slime, this gunk. I quickly got out of the pool and got in the sand box, and played sand monster for the rest of the day. I had lots of fun.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 14

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I detaste water. In fact, I never did taste it. I live on coffee. Without coffee, I would be a slow, shallow reflection of a person who does not pause to reflect on anything. My house is full of coffee makers. I normally drink 51 cups a day. On an abnormal day I drink 68. If it were not for coffee, I would tend to be shallow, and I would tend to repeat myself. Did I mention that this is a reflection from the life and times of Mr. Smith? I would tend to be more random in my speech. Like I might be talking along about bootstraps, and how I like eating coleslaw with my hair ribbons on a hot winter day. But anyway, back to the coffee. Without coffee, I would be lost. Like a moth in a snowstorm. Like a centipede in a desert wind. Like a pin in a straw stack. Or even like a crouton on a salad. Like when my old neighbor Mr. Jones used to come over and say “you drink too much coffee, bub.” I would normally say something funny to the effect of “your house is ugly. So is your swimming pool.” He never thought it was funny, but it would always make me split my sides with laughter. Either that or I was bursting from too much coffee.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 13

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I went back to Starbucks. The only problem about drinking coffee in space, is that I imagine you might be burned rather easily. I paused and I reflected on this. And I went out and bought a burn-proof jump-suit. And a flame-thrower to go along with that, just because I’ve always wanted one. Suddenly I was inspired…no, never mind. So as I drove my rocket powered car to Starbucks, I barely was able to stop in time. I should have installed better breaks. But with the lab being temporarily…or, permanently out of commission, I don’t think that’s going to be an option. When I walked into Starbucks, I was sorely disappointed. No one there was floating around; no one was even in space. I decided to put that Starbucks in space. I grabbed a few plastic spoons, and I headed outside. There I commenced to dig. Once I had gone about a mile down below Starbucks (this only took about an hour being as I am very fast with plastic spoons) I quickly drove my rocket car down there, disassembled the engine, and connected it to the base of the building. I rigged up a remote control starter and quickly got out of there. As I was getting ready to press that little red button, I paused, and reflected. And realized, this might not be a very good idea. So I decided to call up the Starbucks and told them all to strap in. Up with the engine, up went the Starbucks, and out into space. I forgot to give it a way to come back. Oh well.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 12

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. This morning I decided to go to Starbucks. I heard it was an awesome place. I would assume Starbucks would have something to do with space. I would assume they would sell spacesuits and things of that sort. I paused, and I felt compelled to reflect on life, and realized, Starbucks is also called Starbucks coffee. And it might be rather fun to consume coffee in space. I jumped on my unicycle and rode down town. Upon pulling it up to Starbucks, I noticed there weren’t many spaceships around. I was rather disappointed. And I paused and reflected on life and the merits of having rocket propelled engines instead of gasoline. I decided to delay my Starbucks visit for the day, and went over to the lab to produce a car with a rocket engine. The boys at the lab – God rest their souls – were excited to see me again. Last time I was there I created a machine that gave you an instant haircut. (That was after my little hippie sprint.) The good news is, I succeeded in making my rocket propelled car. The bad news is it took two tries. Well…craters are kind of attractive. I think everyone should be making them. They go well with other things that can be seen in space like the Grand Canyon and the Great Wall of China. Good thing the lab is so far from my house.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 11

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Emotions…are so emotional. Why do we have emotions? I pause, and I wonder. Then I reflected. And I reflected some more. Then I felt compelled to become a hippie, and spread the loooooooove. So I grew my hair really long. This took only a few days, because I used hair tonic. That stuff works miracles. Then I bought some groovy clothes. And I went outside, ready to spread the love. But, mysteriously, everyone had disappeared for the day. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were hiding. Good thing I know better. They were all going to throw me a surprise birthday party. Everyone in town. I hope they know what I like. A big cake and lots of presents. I hope I get a motor scooter. On the day of my birthday, I walked in my house, expecting to be surprised. Fortunately, I wasn’t disappointed. My neighbor’s cat was dead, in my house. Fortunately that was not the only surprise that day. They did throw me a birthday party. Threw it in my window. Poor cake got glass in it. Maybe they don’t like me so much. Naw…I’m such a nice guy. I just love to spread the love.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 10

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The city is not for me. I visited it too many times. I long for the country. I long for freedom. So I went to the country. I went to freedom. I discovered the only thing about life on a farm that is free is my labor. Those nincompoops actually expect me to work for free and expect me to enjoy it. Life on the farm is not for me either. I must try life on the moon sometime. In fact, sitting is what I do best. After I got back to my home in the suburbs, I decided to paint my fence to match my house. Except, I would make white with orange polka dots. My neighbors got up in arms. I felt compelled to tear down my fence and move it back a foot. Suddenly I realized, my yard was smaller. Who would have thought it. I obviously wouldn’t of, or I wouldn’t have done it. My neighbors obviously did, for they made me do it. I decided…my roof was rather colorless. In fact…what is the purpose for a roof? I sat and pondered this for quite some time…reflecting on the reflections…the vibrations…as trucks passed me on the freeway. And I realized, the freeway is not a good place to sit and reflect. One could easily be killed. No wonder my neighbors suggested it. It makes me miss Mr. Jones. He was a good neighbor.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 9

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I watched the Lord of the Rings last night: back to back to back. No I think you misunderstand me…I watched the trilogy back to back to back. That’s nine movies. My brain feels quite warped. I feel much better. After the recent loss of my dear mother, watching movies is the only meaning in life. Then I paused, and reflected. How Gollum could survive being so skinny. He must be more like a stupid fat hobbit. As I was thinking these thoughts, I suddenly looked down and saw my feet again. The music swells in joyful harmony. And as the music swelled, so did the smell. And I decided I must wash my feet. But then I was pondering on the merits of cleaning one’s feet. After all, they will only get dirty again. I decided it was about time I went down town again. Ah the city. The hustle and bustle of the city. No, that is cliché. The bustle and the hustle. And then the bustle and the hustle of the quarterback, as the quarterback hustles toward the end zone. I believe I have gotten off the topic. Back to the city. I must get back…to the future. The past is such a drag. So is the present. When is my birthday?
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 8

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today I went to the super market. They had an aisle for fruits, an aisle for vegetables, an aisle for meats, and an aisle for DVDs. I would have to say the latter is my favorite. I bought an interesting movie today. It was called Mr. Smith. It was actually quite dull. As I was sitting at my dinner table, wondering where the food would come from, I recalled a special person. Not unlike that native on the beach. This special person’s name was Mrs. Smith…God rest her soul. I remember when she used to have a meal for me when I came home. She would do my laundry, generally pick up around the house. How I miss her. I loved you Mum. My mother was very good at putting the food on the table for me. She worked very hard every day…driving to Chick-Fil-A to buy some food. I ought to go to Chick-Fil-A. Nuggets eaten. Waffle potato fries thrown on the floor. Ah, the days when I was young. I remember them like yesterday. In fact, it was yesterday. I must get ready for the funeral now. I hope I remember where it is.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 7

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith: A reflection on life. Life. Okay, let’s move on to something else. I am feeling very philos…philosifi…philosofu…philosophical! Yes! I decided to go for a walk. But it was more like a ride. I was testing my new roller skates. They don’t work very well if a wheel falls off. Fact. The skin from my knees is on the sidewalk still. I must get some makeup to cover it up. I decided to go ask one of my friends for some makeup. This time I asked one of my male friends. He said to wear long pants. I said, the sidewalk can’t wear long pants. He’s not my friend anymore. I pondered this all afternoon. All evening. All night. All the net morning. All the next afternoon. All of the next night. I decided, it wasn’t worth all the pondering. I pondered pondering. Pondering itself is rather strange. But then I thought to myself, where would the world be without bellybuttons? But then I was compelled to realize, I am an idiot.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 6

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. There I was in Fiji, looking for that girl, I met on the beach, so many years ago. I must have only been about five years old. I waddled out across the sand, and I saw the ocean for the first time. And I saw her. The ocean paled in comparison. Her beauty was beyond description. It was so indescribable, I couldn’t describe it. By the way…what does indescribable mean? I pondered this, as I sat on the beach. Staring at the ocean. In Fiji. So far from home. Home…the thought of home made me pause and reflect. If home is where the heart is, my home is on the beach. Here in Fiji, with that girl. Alas, I fear she is no more. For I have looked upon this beach for too long. I have searched in vain. I must again make my home, away from my heart. (The music swells. I suddenly feel like an old romantic.) I hop on a plane and head home. The plane ride was long. Very long. Very, very long. So long I fell asleep. And then it felt very short. How strange.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 5

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I was looking through my photo album today. I saw a picture I had not seen in years. It was tucked away behind another. It was of a girl I had once known. At least I assumed I knew her. If I didn’t, I wish I did. I recalled something as if it were a dream. I remembered a girl standing on a beach. She was a native…with blond hair. Maybe she wasn’t a native. There is only one way to find out. I must travel back to Fiji. Because its as far away as you can get before you start turning back. The plane ride was long. Very long. Very, very long. So long I fell asleep. And then it felt very short. How strange. Then I reflected on life. Sleep…sleep is good for you. I wondered why I had not seen it before. Without sleep I would be awake. We landed in Fiji. If you could call it landing. More like we crashed. I was searching for my luggage amongst the wreckage. When I realized, I hadn’t brought any luggage. It made me pause and reflect on how luggage is good for you. Without luggage you are but a bum. I guess I am a bum. I walked down the beach, searching for that native. But then something occurred to me. It had been thirty years. Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 4

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Star date 5267. Captain’s log, Captain Smith recording. Today I was watching my favorite series on TV, Star Trek. Suddenly I felt compelled to be beamed up. I whipped out my communicator (my wallet) and spoke to it: Beam me up, Scotty. A strange thing happened. Nothing. Except for, all my money fell out. My dog chewed up my money. I decided to go see how my neighbor’s cat was doing. And suddenly I realized, I’d forgotten to let it back in. I, Mr. Smith, felt compelled to see the world. To travel to strange places, and seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no bum has gone before. Then suddenly I realized, there are bums everywhere. I decided to just stick with going places where I have never gone before. Ah, life. Doesn’t it make you reflect? Life is so simple.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 3

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Earlier this morning, I went to a ball game. Ping pong. Never did like the sport. Too hard to watch. I got very mad when one of the ping pong balls hit my forehead. I felt compelled to get makeup to hide the awful scar. I didn’t know ping pong balls had razor blades in them. Did I mention my worst enemy was playing the game? As I went down town, I began to wonder, where does one buy makeup? I felt compelled to ask one of my friends…one of my female friends. She slammed the door in my face. I don’t know why. I told her she looked very beautiful when she had on her makeup. So I continued downtown. Passed by the police station. I felt it was wise not to linger there. (Refer to last entry.) The hardware store sounded like a good place to look. It wasn’t. Next I tried the ice cream parlor. Their ice cream was quite good. I felt compelled to have a second serving. Then a third. Then before I knew it, it was closing time. I looked down, and wondered, where did my feet go without me? And where did I get this bubba. I headed home, my forehead with an awful scar. My belly was rather large, but I felt very good. I slept well that night.
Thus ends the week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 2

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Today, randomness at its fullest. I was sitting down at my TV and I realized, there is nothing on TV. The music builds. I felt compelled to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. After I made the said sandwich, I commenced to eating it. I realized, peanut butter and jelly don’t taste very well together. So I added jalapeno peppers. Then I realized I don’t like jalapeno peppers. I felt compelled to spit it out. And so I did. I decided to go visit my neighbor, Mr. Jones. I hopped over his fence and went up to his patio, then took a bullet right through my hat, because he thought I was a burglar. I can assure you, I quickly set him straight. The police showed up later that afternoon. They asked a lot of questions. I didn’t give them any answers. They took me down town. I didn’t want to go. And then I realized what I had done was wrong. I felt I should make restitution. I felt compelled to break out of my cell. I did so with ease. After all, I am Mr. Smith. I went over to Mr. Jones house and made restitution. I let his cat out.
Thus ends this weeks’ reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 1

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Yesterday I was walking down the street when I saw a dog. It made me pause and reflect on life. And the music was building in my ears and I felt compelled to sit and write a symphony. Someday I feel I will known for this. Today I was walking down the other side of the street and I realized my house was very beautiful. It made me pause and reflect on life. Suddenly I had an impulse and I was compelled to go and hire a painter to paint my house orange. The painters have finished now. The next day, all my neighbors came out and complained about my orange house. They decided it was not in good taste and I should do something about it. So I went and got a can of white paint and gave it spots. Later I walked down the center of the street. I realized there actually is a lot of space between the cars and that little yellow line, fortunately. My toes are quite flat. Today I took a bus down town. It was quite fun seeing the sights. But then I noticed, there weren’t many sights to see.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.