Episode 60

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Christmastime is here. I woke this morning to the sound of bells. Christmas bells. Sleigh bells. I realized they were coming from somewhere up on the roof. I flopped out of bed and rolled to the window. It was ajar. I twisted the lid on the jar. Lets see how does that go, righty-tighty lefty-loosey? I stuck my head out the window. I stuck my torso out the window. Turning, I stretched my gaze towards the roof. Suddenly, a blob of snow slid down the roof and hit me in the face. And I paused and reflected on life and realized, snow is very cold. I lost my grip…on reality. And I drifted, I drifted for what seemed like years. I was spiraling, I was twisting. I was doing “the dance”. In this alternate dimension, the snow spiraled around me in colorful twists that looked like a mixture of black and white photographs and billions of nerds floating not down, but up. This vortex of color…(and lack of color)…spun me up and suddenly I wasn’t falling, I was floating. For a second I blacked out. And when I awoke two seconds later, I was laying on an ocean of floating cotton balls with crushed lilac petals. I touched my hair, ran my fingers through the silky streams, and I realized this was definitely a dream. Because I had hair. I let go and embraced the dream. Suddenly above me I saw a bright red blob quickly falling towards me. Suddenly terror built in me when I realized the blob was a very large fat Santa Claus and he was about to land on me. I made an awesome ninja move, springing on my hands, landing a ways back on my face. There was a splat as Santa landed. I thought he landed, but instead he pushed through the ocean of cotton balls and disappeared into the clouds beneath him. Suddenly I realized I had failed. I was destined to save Christmas. The Smith who saved Christmas. With a lunge I flung myself through the hole that Santa had left in the cotton balls. Now I was falling. But I had to reach Santa before it was too late. Terror again grasped at my heart. As I saw Santa about to be impaled on the rows of houses below, I realized I had failed. At that moment I woke up, and for a second, I had not failed. I had not, not saved Christmas. But only for a moment, because then I hit the floor. As I lay there, snowflakes drifted through the window and landed softly on my face.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 59

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. The president had sent me to Antarctica because he wanted to surprise me with an early Christmas present. It was so thoughtful of him. He’d bought me and Olympic sized pool. But he had to move my house to make room for it. He’s such a nice guy, the president. So of course, when he asked if he could use it, I told him he could. They had airlifted my house to Mexico. It was for my next mission. Observe how the poor people live. It’s amazing how many poor people you can fit in my big house. There wasn’t even enough room for me anymore. Did I mention how the president is such a nice guy? And I like the president, but I didn’t feel Mexico was for me. So I called my buddy superman, and he airlifted my house straight back to Kansas. Of course, I still wanted to be able to use the pool, so I asked him to plop it down on Mr. Jones’s old house. Have I mentioned how superman is a real swell guy too? Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, if I left out all the anti-freeze, I would have had one awesome ice rink during the winter.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 58

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. My house was gone. Flattened, as if by a tornado. And yet, there were no remains. It was as if it had vanished without a trace. It was a cold case. There I was the only survivor. I looked to my right; the Simpson’s house was still there. I looked to my left, that family guy’s house was still there. On the other side, the great American dad’s house was there. I looked behind my house; Chuck’s house was still there. Even that house, which was just called House, was still there. I pulled out my cell phone and called the E.R. “Call the justice league! I need some heroes!” They told me they weren’t quite in that genre of house hunting. I said, “come on, we can make a deal.” Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I had really missed watching TV when I was in Antarctica. Then up the street came the dog whisperer. As he came close, I said “Caesar, can you help me find my house?” He only replied “Shh! The dogs!” I was at a loss for words. He moved on down the street. Then a bus came rolling by. It was filled with the Sopranos. Then, from the other side of the street came that American Idol, Hannah Montana. Followed closely behind her was a marathon, it was the Amazing Race. When they passed me, I yelled out “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Then I realized, I was the Biggest Loser.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 57

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. Still. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever make it home. My new goal – get home, and get home in one piece. Not necessarily in that order. So obviously I decided to get to the URSTUPID (The United Railroad Station Transport Under Pacific Inter Dimensional), as fast as I could. Then I paused and reflected on life and realized, I would miss the cold. NOT. When I arrived back in Kansas, I was pleasantly surprised by the snow falling. DO NOT WANT!!! As I stumbled blindly through the snow, I was horrified to not be able to find my house. I wandered between my neighbor’s houses where it should have been, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. Then I fell. Alas, I fell. I fell through a thin layer of ice atop a swimming pool. An Olympic sized swimming pool. Then I screamed out “I NEED A HERO!” Then from the depths I saw a monster. We collided into a comatose, and then I found myself awake and alive…and swimming. There I was forsaken. My hero had not arrived. Sometimes I believe you should’ve when you could’ve. But then, it’s not me, it’s you. When superman arrived he was one day too late. When he tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation, I screamed, “Don’t wake me!” But then he screamed “Never surrender!” When the whole episode was over I said, “You are forgiven, Lucy.” And he just looked at me like I was an idiot. But then, if the boot fits…
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 56

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. So there I was in Antarctica…still. I was walking through the snow, through the cold, through the dark, through the night. And then I paused and reflected on life and I wondered, why, why, WHY is the world round? Then I paused and reflected on the world and realized the world was just like a marble – its small, and its round. Yeah. Then I looked up on through the haze and I was startled with what I saw. It was a lone penguin standing…alone. There he was silhouetted against the striking color of the colorless snow. I was surprised to see another shape moving swiftly towards the silhouetted penguin. I gasped as I saw it was another penguin. The second penguin handed something to the first penguin, and then scurried off the way it had come. I had stumbled upon a real find – a drug exchange. Quickly I flopped down in the snow to avoid being seen by the penguin. Its beady yellow eyes seemed to stare at me through the softly fallen snow. To avoid being seen I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was horrified to see penguin feet right in front of my face. Suddenly something dropped in front of my face. I flinched. It was penguin doo! And it was toilet paper the other penguin had handed him!
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.