Episode 27

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk, down my stairs. It was a long journey. It took me many minutes. I kept pausing and reflecting on life. And I pondered why, why I ask you, why do I have thirteen steps in my house? I continued my walk. I went out the door. I stumbled down four more. Steps, that is. Then I paused and reflected on life and wondered why, why I ask you, do I have four more steps outside my door? I walked down the street. I looked for a seat. I yawned and sat down. On the only bench in town. As I sat there, I observed people as they passed. Gas, that is. One old lady stumbled past. She looked blind as the bat she carried over her shoulder. I stood to offer her a hand. She smashed mine with the bat. Then I spotted my girlfriend walking down the street. Good old Chelsea. I hollered out “Chelsea!” She snorted and walked the other way. She must have been having a bad day. I’ll have to send her flowers and chocolate. I’ll put them on her tombstone. She had a tombstone made for herself, when she tried to tell me she had died. I never did figure out why she told me she had died. I spent the rest of that day sitting on that bench observing people. And I paused and reflected on life and wondered why, why had I spent the whole way sitting on a park bench. Then I realized, if I was sitting, there was no weight on my feet. I wonder if I can float to the moon.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 26

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I drank so much water I felt like I had drunk a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I drank so much fish I grew gills. But then I paused and reflected on life and realized, there were no liver or fish in the water I had consumed. I knew then and there I had to get home. And I knew that home was home, on the range. Where the deer and the antel…never mind. I pulled out my superman watch, pushed a button, and waited. Soon I saw the incredible guy himself, flying towards me. He landed and a huge shockwave of sand sprayed around me. I said: “Thanks for getting here so fast, [name removed for privacy purposes.].” He replied: “Shh!My name’s Superman."
“Will you give a guy a ride?” I asked.
He said, “Sure, hop on my back!”
Away we zoomed up into the sky. Way, way high. We landed at home, next to the dome, on a bed of foam. I pulled out my comb, and I ran it through my hair. And he asked if I’d share. I said, “Of course, big bear.” And he said “Why are you talking like this?” And I said, “Because it’s fun.” He said, "I’d like some rum.” And away he flew. I stepped of the foam, and into some doo. My adventure had ended. I sure had some fun. But you know, next time I imagine a story like this, I’ll leave it at flying with Superman, and forget the whole Egypt bit.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 25

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Egypt. There I was, in Egypt. I was by the Sphinx. It stinks; I wanted to be by the airport. I began to walk, and as I walked, I reflected on heat. The sun is very hot. I tend to think I am very hot as well, but the ladies don’t seem to think so. I walked, and I walked, through the dry, dry desert. And I wished for some dessert. I really wished for some water. There was water nowhere to be found. Nowhere to be found was water. Water to be found. No water…water…maybe…a bath…or a waterfall. A waterfall, hey! There, up on the hill I saw…a port-a-potty. I rushed towards the john. I was almost there when suddenly…it was gone. I had heard of this happening before, my friend Mirage told me about it. It’s supposed to be called a mirage. Sighing, I turned and continued through the desert. No water, and no place to go to the bathroom. And then I paused and reflected on mirages. Then, up in the distance, I saw another. (a mirage that is) It was a puddle the size of a pond. The color of glass, with a consistency of…water, or I would hope. I ran, then I shifted into maximum overdrive, and I ran faster. I was afraid the pool would disappear if I didn’t make it fast enough. I got ready to dive into the water, when a shot rang out! I stiffened, and fell into the water. I pretended to play dead hoping that whoever had fired the shot would think I was kilt. But I forgot, I didn’t know how to swim. Suddenly, a bird fell out of the sky. It croaked: “I’ve been shot!” as it fell into the water. I had not been shot, the bird had. And then I realized, I was in the water. And I drank the whole puddle dry.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappear.

Episode 24

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. Last time, Mr. Smith was headed to Egypt when the plane was about to crash into the Sphinx. All the passengers left out of the rear exit. Mr. Smith was laying in the aisle trying to crawl to freedom: I had almost made it to the exit. My knees had buckled. I could not crawl with them very well. I was dragging myself along with my hands when suddenly I heard a cry. It was the pilot. He stepped on my head as he ran towards the exit. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto his ankle. He pulled me through and out the exit. I was saved. And then I looked down. Or up. I saw the ground rush to meet me. Or was I rushing to the ground? I pulled my parachute release string but didn’t have time. And then I paused and reflected on time. And realized, time was not very important, it’s what you do with your time. Thus expired Mr. Smith…Just kidding. Who would be writing this if I were dead? Well, I suppose George could, or Joe, but that's beside the point. Back to the story: I landed safely, after all, sand isn’t that hard. Okay, it hurt a lot. But I landed on top of my parachute. The pilot wasn’t so lucky. He landed on a pointy part of a pyramid. After a few painful moments, I stood up and admired the view. Egypt is a magnificent place. Now if only I had some water…I want to go home.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 23

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The time has come. Mr. Smith must leave. He must leave his house. He must leave his country. He must go…to Egypt.
It has been demanded by a poll on a website. The critics have spoken. Mr. Smith’s fans have decided. Mr. Smith will go to Egypt.
I hopped on a plane in the middle of a plain (which had a runway on it fortunately.) I was headed to Egypt. The plane reached its cruising altitude of some really big number which I didn’t wish to think about because I am terrified of heights. Suddenly a crackly voice came over the speaker. It was the pilot. It said, “This is your pilot talking! The captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign, so please, unfasten your seatbelts. We are about to encounter a giant floating Sphinx.” I looked out my window and saw to my horror the Sphinx hanging upside down from the sand. The Sand? We were upside down, I was upside down, the Sphinx was upside down, the plane was upside down! My dinner was upside down. I reached for my parachute and decided to smash out the window. But then I decided to use my head. It hurt a lot. I ran towards the emergency exit. I tripped on an old lady’s luggage strap that was sticking out in the aisle. They shouldn’t allow luggage straps on planes. I crawled towards the exit, but soon the other passengers were upon me. I was trampled as they ran towards the exit. Soon I was alone on the plane, and the Sphinx was about to get a new nose.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 22

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. The other day I was walking down the street, when I paused and realized, I often start my days by walking down the street. Sometimes I wake up, walking down the street. My friendly psychiatrist, Mr. Brown, said I probably sleepwalk. I said, I probably don’t. He didn’t say anything, so I continued talking. He still didn’t say anything, so I stopped talking. I left him after that. What good is a person who doesn’t talk? Back to where I was walking – I was walking down the street. The street was where I was walking. Yes, the street. And then I reached the corner of the street, and the garden gate. As I reached the garden gate, I spotted a cute little puppy, squatting over a bush. And I paused and reflected on life, and puppies, and bushes. I bent down and kissed the little puppy right on his dear little nose. Suddenly - to my great horror – I realized I had fulfilled the old adage. “Never kiss by the garden gate/Love is blind/But the neighbors ain’t.” I stood up, quick as a flash, kicked the dog into the bush and whistled down the street. I glanced from window to window, expecting to see a face. And there, there was a face. It didn’t belong to Mace. It definitely wasn’t Chase. (Daniels, that is.) Then I remembered something. Most of my neighbors were blind. In mind and soul. Plus they couldn’t see out of their eyes. Then I paused, and corrected my grammar and said “they don’t got good eyes.” Then I paused and reflected on life. And I lamented the poor dog I had kicked. I went back to that bush, but I couldn’t find the dog, only a lump of yellow smog.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.

Episode 21

Reflections from the life and times of Mr. Smith. I work at Subway. At least I used to. The boss got a little bit angry. I tried to make a foot long, but it was a foot short instead, which means there was nothing there. It wasn’t my fault the boss ordered a foot long at that particular time of the day. At least he still got chips and a coke. Then I paused and reflected on life. And chips; buffalo chips. And who would eat buffalo chips? Maybe buffalos. And then I paused and reflected on buffalos. They sure are hairy things. Just like Aragorn’s kilt. Unfortunately, my boss fired me. I was standing a little too close to the stove, apparently. My shirttail caught on fire. When I realized it was a light, I ran out the door and grabbed for a bud light. Pouring it all over my seat, I sat down to eat. When I burst into flames, a whole bunch of dames stopped and stared. One of them grabbed a fire extinguisher and said “here!” and I said, “Where?” Needless to say, they really fired me then. Alas, I have no job. My mother would not be proud of me. And then I paused, and reflected on life. And decided, I didn’t really need a job. And I began to sob.
Thus ends this week’s reflections. And then my mirror image disappeared.